Ep 381: Transforming Conflict into Connection

[00:00:01] Liquor Talk, another episode starts now. Welcome, everyone, welcome everybody to another edition of the Liquor Talk Podcast. Shout out to everybody that's joining us on our podcast, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or you're watching this on YouTube or on TikTok. Today, I have a guest coming to me from New Jersey. She is a relationships coach. Thank you to our friends at PodMatch for providing us this guest. It's Latina Brame today. How are you doing, Valerie? I'm awesome. How are you doing?

[00:00:28] I'm doing great. I'm sorry for the wait. We've been trying to get our schedules just been crashing, you know, so but hey, we here right now. We here. So I definitely appreciate you. Yeah, yeah, likewise. Yeah, so so talk to us a little about what you do. Tell us about how your tell us your story about how you became a coach and what exactly did you do for the people?

[00:00:51] Yeah, thanks so much. So at this point, I've been coaching for over 20 years. So I can kind of throw any relationship question at me. I have an answer. You know, started out actually working with couples. But and usually when couples come to me, they are in recurring conflict or they're not having the intimacy that they want. But then and so I for I did tons of training.

[00:01:18] So I started working with couples specializing in couples actually after I did the emotionally focused therapy training. But because that's what it's focused on. But then, of course, people started coming to me saying, well, I'm in a relationship, but my husband doesn't want to participate. So I guess that means I can't. But I'm like, no, wait a minute. If you change that inspires him to change. So then I started a new niche for women in relationship where their husbands or boyfriends are not really pulling their own weight or they're not giving me the

[00:01:48] attention and affection they did in the beginning. And that was my second niche. And then, of course, the singles came to me and was like, what about me? So I actually wrote a book for singles called The Commitment Roadmap, because a lot of singles get stuck in situationships and, you know, or are dating people that are unavailable or they feel like they have to settle because they haven't really found the love that they're looking for. And so it's all about really knowing your values and your

[00:02:14] vision and how to not give your heart away too quickly to someone that hasn't earned it. And having the confidence and strategy to date strategically. And so that's what my book is about and how I help singles. And then, of course, you know, I've been doing this for so long that I've coached people through relationships and breakups and healing. And I really do love healing anxious

[00:02:39] attachment because it's not a pathology. It's something that 20% of the population has where we feel like even if we get love, we don't really feel secure in it. And we're always worrying that the person that we love doesn't like us back and we need constant reassurance and we can't really feel secure. And so now I also specialize in healing that. So there's, I guess I have four niches at

[00:03:04] this point because I've been doing it for so long, but it really is just really fulfilling. It's the most fulfilling thing that I can, the most fulfilling part of my day when, you know, I sit down with a client and I can help them experience the love that they deserve and desire. So what made, what happened in your life that got you to the point where you want to start helping others to find that love or to find that passion for love and sustain relationships?

[00:03:34] Yeah. Thank you. You know, relationships are always my biggest struggle in my twenties. I was lucky enough to grow up in a good, you know, with a good education and I was good at everything I tried except relationships. So that was like always my biggest sticking point. And it's because my dad, even though he was very loving, he showed his love through acts of service, he and I argued constantly.

[00:04:02] And so my skills in communication were all about criticizing and making people wrong and putting pressure on them because that's what I learned. And so obviously that didn't work out too well. And I kept kind of beating my head against the wall. Like why do my relationships start out with a lot of passion? But then we're just constantly fighting or, or, you know, like, like two ships in a night avoiding each other, you know, cause I actually hated conflict, but I didn't know any other ways of

[00:04:30] addressing things. So I would sweep conflict under the rug. And then when it like reached a certain point, then I'd say something and then we'd be arguing. And so that was kind of like wash, rinse, repeat in my twenties. So it, uh, I was obsessed. I read every relationship book. I can get my hands on. And, um, at that point I didn't start coaching until I was 25. I actually started out as

[00:04:54] a health coach, but because, cause I didn't really can, I was raised also on a very healthy diet. And I went to the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in 2003. Um, but, uh, when I started coaching people on their health, it was because relationships were my passion that it wound up, it wound up that, um, I specialized in, um, helping people to stop emotional eating and have healthier habits that

[00:05:23] the reason why I was able to stop them having help, uh, like support them and having healthier habits is because I improved their relationships and then they were feeling better. So then they naturally gravitated towards doing the things that were healthy. And it was when I'd worked with a business coach after a couple of years that I realized like, wait a minute, people come to me for health, but I actually helped them the most with their relationships. Then I, um, I mean, I was also

[00:05:49] struggling my own relationship. So I really dedicated myself to studying with the world's expert teachers like John Gottman and Sue Johnson. And, uh, I went to the relationship coaching Institute and I learned all the right skills and then I applied them in the trenches in my own relationships. So, um, you know, but not before I got married to my first husband, which is a reason why I wrote my book too, because I didn't really know how to clarify my vision and

[00:06:18] values before I got married to my first husband. And because of that, it wasn't until we were married that the incompatibilities came out. Oh, wow. So yeah. Um, and we really did work on it. Um, that's actually when I learned nonviolent communication and how to, it was actually really sweet. Cause this was before like the apps, the iPhone apps were popular. Um, cause we, uh, we got

[00:06:44] divorced in 2013. So I know the iPhone came out in 2008, but now there's all these nonviolent communication apps, but back then, um, they weren't as popular. So I hung a sheet of feelings and needs on my wall and we'd be like arguing. And then I'd take a timeout and I'd be like, wait a minute, hold on. I need to go translate my judgments into feelings and needs. And then I would calm down. And then, then I would say, you know, okay, I'm feeling, um, confused or I'm feeling uncomfortable

[00:07:12] or I'm feeling scared or I'm feeling angry, but I'd be able to say that in a, in a calm way, how are you feeling? What are you needing? And then we'd work it out. And so, um, I actually feel like if we weren't married, I might not have stuck with it. Like we worked with a lot of relationship coaches. We actually worked with two coaches and two therapists over the course of two years to clarify that we wanted different things. And it was also, you know, a big part of my philosophy

[00:07:40] when I work with couples that we need to get to the point where you feel like you're on the same team and you're no longer arguing because then, and only then do you know who the other person, how they're showing up, if it's really them or if it's them when they're upset, you know, because then when they're upset is not the potential, right? So you have to get to the point where you feel like you're on the same team and then, and only then can you tell if you want

[00:08:04] the same thing. So I went through that whole process and, you know, met my current husband in 2015 and now I'm happy and happily married, but you know, it was, um, kind of a long journey to get there. And then, but the amazing thing is that since I really applied all those things in my own relationship that I really walked my talk and, you know, I get good results with my clients. You know, I haven't heard that from any of the coaches I've had on previously because a lot of

[00:08:31] them, they don't, they really didn't get to them. Some did, but then some didn't, you know, but I'm glad to hear you say that. Sometimes you had to walk your own talk before you go out and coach people because it's like, I know a lot of people out here, they will go out here and try to steer you in the right direction. But it's like, but when you look at their life, you're like, why am I, why are they doing this? But now, which is why me as a single man, I'm chill on the relationship advice, you know what I'm saying? Cause I'm going to tell you straight from what I see,

[00:08:58] you know, I'm going to tell you what's going on based on what I see, not how I'm feeling at the moment, you know? So, but sometimes, so sometimes people have to kill the messenger thing when it comes to coaches and stuff. So take me through that process. At what point were you, your first husband were like, okay, this person's not working. Let's try this person. Yeah. Um, well, I mean, and we weren't like dating other people until we got separated. Um,

[00:09:22] but you know, it was more like, it was, um, how should I put it? Cause the, the incompatibilities were subtle. We actually wanted different things out of marriage. Um, you know, I really wanted to settle down and to have stability and to focus on, um, you know, if, if we had a kid, I would want to really focus on, um, taking time out of my career. And, you know, at, at the point I could have done

[00:09:52] coaching, but I was, um, really wanting to make changes in my life. And he wanted more, he was an artist and he wanted to travel and he wanted to not really to settle down for a while. And he wanted to have a different lifestyle than I wanted to have, you know, so, um, that was it in a nutshell. And then it was just incompatibilities in terms of masculine, feminine energy. Like I really wanted to be the, the feminine partner. And he also kind of didn't want to be the masculine energy partner.

[00:10:21] And, um, he wanted to be more of a free spirit and, you know, it, um, I really care about him and care about what he wants. And actually like when we separated and he met somebody else who was a better fit for him, that's when he realized that, um, you know, he was grateful that we went through it because our personalities just didn't really match. Like I'm more, I'm not a type A by any,

[00:10:49] any means, but I'm, um, you know, I'm a coach. I'm very much about integrity. And so is he, in fact, I mean, it was something that I felt like my own integrity, I questioned my own integrity after, um, cause you know, I, I didn't really know myself when we got married and I learned a lot about myself and that I wanted to be more of the feminine energy partner and have him be more of

[00:11:15] the masculine energy partner throughout our relationship. But I, so I questioned my own integrity. I had to do a lot of repair with my own integrity. Um, and you know, my, like, like I gave my word to him and then, you know, then we made other decisions, you know, so I had to do a deep dive and a deeper pair with that. Um, so, you know, but we, we have different definitions of integrity. Like it was just, yeah, we really had to work all of that out with, with

[00:11:41] coaches and therapists to like actually figure out that we wanted different things. Cause it wasn't, it's not like one of those surface things. Yeah. It just comes out over time and sometimes the right people can pull it out. So, so it sounds like to me, you guys didn't really do a lot of spending time on each other. I mean, really getting to know one another because, because it sounds like, cause if I feel like if y'all would have questioned, really asked the tough questions in the beginning, maybe you could have prevented marriage or what do you think?

[00:12:12] Well, honestly, I think if I'd asked the tough questions in the beginning, um, and, and we did, like we asked each other a lot of deep questions, but you know, not about masculine feminine energy and the, the long-term lifestyle that we wanted to have. Um, which obviously is very important now. Like that was one of the first things that I talked about with my current husband when we met, um, just, it just so happened that we talked about it. Not that I was like, Hey, we didn't talk

[00:12:40] about this, you know, but it would just, it sort of came up in the conversation. Um, but yeah. And that's the thing is that I didn't know what questions to ask, which is why my book has a lot of the questions in it because it's just, you know, I didn't really know how to ask the questions about legacy and about, you know, like, uh, how to, um, articulate my values on a deep level and what

[00:13:09] do they actually mean to me and what does his actually mean to him? And what does it look like when he's embodying them? And what does it look like when I'm embodying mine? And, you know, how can we really support each other in our purpose and what we're creating in life? Like we did talk about that, but I think what came to me when we were married is that my purpose kind of deepened and shifted. Um, cause I, I was always a coach. I was a coach at that time. We even coached together.

[00:13:37] Um, we, we, we did some, uh, cause some of my clients wanted a couple to coach them. And, uh, he was very present and caring. You know, I, I, I don't actually call him my husband instead of my ex cause we're still on good terms. Obviously he even wrote an endorsement on my website that you can read on my about page. Um, but I'm not to the husband that that takes a lot

[00:14:04] of encouragement to do that. Cause I know a lot of people when they, they get, they get done with the ex it's to hell with them. They're not doing nothing. They're trying not to think about them. They don't block them on all social medias. They don't give a damn about what's going on in their life. But to see here, you got good terms with your husband. Uh, I gotta say kudos to you, but I know there are other people out there who have, you know, good on good terms, but you don't hear about them often. Right. And it's not always possible. I mean, you know, if there's like,

[00:14:32] you know, infidelity going on, or if there's, you know, um, any lying going on, or if they're, if the, if they're a narcissist or whatever, like I can understand why you wouldn't want to be on good terms. I don't think that everybody needs to be. Uh, but actually my current husband is also on good terms with his ex and you know, so that's the kind of people that we are. That's wonderful. That's definitely wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, this is liquor talk. The more you drink, the better we sound

[00:15:00] shout out to our friends at pod match for providing this guest to us and shout everybody that's watching this on Apple podcast, Spotify, our radio, and to the people on Tik TOK. Um, that's going to comment. That's may see this later. Tell us, could you be friends with an ex? Let yes or no. And tell us, are you on good terms with your ex? Uh, let us know. And we will definitely get your comments. I will definitely get your shout outs out. Uh, Valerie real, real icebreaker for you. What's your favorite drink? So what's your favorite thing to drink? Um, when you're at a

[00:15:28] bar on a date night with your husband? Well, honestly, I really like, um, a good Chardonnay if I'm, if I'm drinking. Cause you know, it's not like a big liquor person. I prefer wine. Hey, wine still counts to it. I know plenty of people that still do good things on the wine, you know, you know, so it is what it is. Um, I thought I went to a, um, winery a few days ago. They taste, sipped on some Chardonnay. I was like, okay, I see what the people talking about.

[00:15:54] I see what this is so good that people made a song about this back in the day, you know? Um, so yeah, I definitely can, I definitely can dig it as well. So now I ask you a question about successful women, because I know a lot of successful women who are single and they just, excuse me, some of them, it feels like they're hell bent on being single, but why do some women are successful, uh, fault? Um, how am I trying to say this? Um, why do some women fail at finding

[00:16:21] love because successful women that is because to help us men understand what they'd be going through. So that way we can show up for them. So that way they could be with us. Yeah. Well, thank you. Um, and I do think it has a lot to do with masculine feminine energy. So I want to talk about that. Cause this is something that I learned when I was already married to my ex-husband that was kind of sad for me to learn because I realized that I had spent my

[00:16:49] whole life in my masculine energy and I didn't know how to get out of it. So I, it's just, it was a big journey for me. And so what I want to say is that these are energies that have nothing to do with gender, with sexual orientation. Um, and you know, because same sex couples, uh, usually have a masculine energy partner and a feminine energy partner, cause it's just

[00:17:12] what creates passion. So, uh, masculine energy is the energy that gets rewarded in the work world. So if women are successful in today's world, we have to be in our masculine energy. So those are qualities like, um, analyzing, solving problems, um, competitiveness, um, you know, having clear goals

[00:17:38] and strategizing how to accomplish them, um, and providing and, um, being more left brain and, and figuring things out, you know, um, and choosing the direction. So obviously that's what it takes to succeed. And, you know, in today's world, and there's nothing wrong with that. But what I noticed with a lot of successful women, myself included, is that we don't know how to

[00:18:06] switch into our feminine energy. And so feminine energy are things like, and men have feminine energy too, when you're being creative, um, you know, or, uh, relaxing and receiving, you know, it's necessary for us to both of both. Uh, but feminine energy is more receiving it's sharing positive feelings, being able to feel positive feelings, and also to have compassion for unpleasant feelings,

[00:18:34] to be able to have empathy and compassion and those soft skills, to be attuned to myself and to you, to collaborate rather than control and compete, to be able to follow, but not blindly following. It's kind of like a partner dance where the masculine partner is leading the feminine partner, but she's not just passively following. It's a collaboration. In a good partner dance,

[00:18:58] the leader is kind of sensing what the capabilities of the follower are and leading her in a way that feels pleasurable to both of them. And then the follower is bringing all of her energy and all of her enjoyment and, you know, kind of like attuning to the fault, to the leader and following, but it's not like you're being passive, right? You're being very active when you're following, you're just not choosing the

[00:19:26] direction. Um, and it's also really following our intuition and, um, opening our heart to whatever's happening, you know, having that, like having that sense of empathy and compassion, like I mentioned. And so it's just hard for most women to make the shift because we're used to just being in our heads analyzing and we're used to like, you know, going to a museum and looking at, okay, where was this

[00:19:56] painting painted and what's the story behind it? And not just like taking it in as, you know, or a beautiful piece of music, just letting it wash over you or, or being in our right brain, creative self. It's just not as encouraged, especially if we're successful, that we really have to focus on being successful. And then when we have time off, it's hard to get our minds to stop. And if we do

[00:20:21] through like, let's say meditation, the kind of meditation that we're taught in the West is not, it's very masculine. It's like, you know, focus on your breathing and, you know, let your thoughts pass you by, which is a very masculine form of spiritual practice. Whereas something like dance is more of a feminine form. And so it's what I notice with feminine women is just that we need the

[00:20:47] man to take the lead in order to feel like we can relax into it. You know, if he's like, I'm picking you up at eight and I'll choose the restaurant. For example, that creates us as feminine women being able to relax and receive, but it's not guaranteed that we'll know how to do that. So my advice for feminine women, for feminine energy women, if you want to be the more feminine energy partner is to take

[00:21:14] transition time between when you get off of work and you're going out to do something like, you know, cause I know we spend a lot of time putting on our makeup and picking a nice outfit, which are very feminine things to do. It's like adorning ourselves with beauty is also very feminine, of course. But then also to tap into the feminine energy, like walk around listening to sensual music and sway

[00:21:39] your hips, but not necessarily in a sexy way, not like sexy isn't feminine, but you know, it's, it's, we want to be sensual. It's feminine energy is sensual. It's being in our senses, you know, smelling nice essential oils or, or beautiful flowers or, or touching soft textures. Or going for a walk in nature, you know, even if you have a backyard, like sitting out there,

[00:22:06] I like to sit in my backyard and just spend five minutes listening to the sound of the birds and the crickets and taking in the view of the plants and feeling the sunshine on my skin. And it's just really important to be able to shift gears because otherwise we're going to go on the date and still be in masculine mode and be like, okay, so what do you tell me about yourself? And do you want kids? And you know, like,

[00:22:36] No, it sounds like to me that people need to stop going on dates right after work. Cause I've experienced that a lot with people who want to go on date and I could tell that they just got off from work. I'm like, man, you probably need five, 10, 20 minutes to decompress. Don't take out the bullshit that happened at your job on me. Cause now you're going to bring in that energy and then it's going to throw everything off, you know, especially if you had a terrible day at your job, you know, you need to take those months to decompress. And I'll say as far as we need to do the same thing.

[00:23:05] Right. No, exactly. I think it's important for men too. And men can be more feminine energy. Women can be more masculine energy that there's nothing wrong with that. I've actually met successful couples where the man is, let's say an artist or a musician, and he wants to be more in the flow and the woman has a more corporate job and she likes to be more analytical. And that's not a problem if it works for them, if they both want the same thing. So that's my point. I don't think

[00:23:31] it has to be, um, according to gender, but, um, at the same time, I do think it's important. And this is something I didn't talk about my ex-husband before we got married, that I really wanted to be more in my feminine energy, but then he didn't want to be more in his masculine energy. So then I couldn't, because you need at least it's in order to have a successful long-term relationship, you need to be intentional about those things. Who's not, of course you can switch off. It's

[00:24:00] funny. It's like tonight, um, my husband has actually been working really hard this week. And so, um, I'm going to give him a massage and he can receive and, um, you know, we're going to like watch a movie together and like, I'm going to make him popcorn and he can receive, you know, so it's, it's not, um, cause receiving is feminine. I mean, it's a feminine energy thing

[00:24:25] to do, but that doesn't mean that he's the feminine partner in the relationship. He's actually really holding down the fort and holding the structure. And I'm the feminine energy partner in general. So once in a while, he's like, I just want to receive tonight. And that's great. You know, we can work that out. But I think it's important that couples talk about this. And I mean, it's a little bit weird to talk about masculine, feminine energy, if you don't know those things,

[00:24:51] but you can say who wants to be the one that makes the plans and makes the structure and who wants to be the one that collaborates and enhances it. You know? Of course, of course, because even as the leader, every once in a while, you need a break, you know, cause you know, it's like driving on a road trip. You're not about to drive all 14 or 15 hours by yourself. If there's someone else in the car, no, sometimes you got to defer to somebody else. You got to know what those times are to take a break. And, you know, and if you have a partner, that's one, allow you to take a break.

[00:25:21] That's the one you stay with because a lot of times us people will be with the wrong, wrong partner who don't allow you to take the breaks and stuff. Right. No, exactly. And yeah, that wouldn't be fair. It would not be fair. And so why do you think in leading to that? Why do you think so many people in this generation can be selfish at times? Cause I could tell just by hearing people talk about it, they're like, Oh, my man can't do this. So my woman can't do this. Like, don't y'all understand that life happens and shit happens in life?

[00:25:51] No, totally. I mean, honestly, I think that people are just repeating the patterns that they inherited. I know that I did in my twenties. Like I was in my twenties, I was very, um, like I would sweep conflict under the rug and then I would pick fights because I didn't know how to get my knees and so you could have thought that I was a really argumentative person, but that wasn't my nature. It was just what I learned. So, I mean, I think people are like that cause that's what was modeled

[00:26:17] for them, you know, from their parents or caretakers or friends or teachers or whatever. Yeah, I know. It's like, I feel like when you get to being an adult, there are some things you have to unlearn or you won't be successful in relationships because what your mom and your dad did in their relationships is not necessarily going to work for you. And I think people need to realize that what, what your friends are doing may not work for you. Sometimes you guys do what works for you and sometimes it takes unlearning these behaviors.

[00:26:46] No, exactly. And learning new ones, which is why when I coach people, I mean, coaching is actually the art of asking good questions, but I do a lot of education too, especially about secure attachment. Um, you know, because it really, there's behaviors from secure attachment that are divided into being a safe haven for each other and a secure base. So the secure base is what you're

[00:27:11] referring to where you help each other out. You really ask each other what kind of support you need. Um, you know, you're, what are you creating in your life and how can I support your dreams and how can I, you know, support your goals and, um, you know, it's, it's trusting that you have each other's backs and that it's not just one person pulling all the weight of the other. And you actually talk about what it is that you're creating together and who wants to play what role and you collaborate.

[00:27:40] Um, but you know, I didn't learn those skills growing up either. My parents just kind of fit into the gender roles that society gave them. And they, I mean, they might've talked about it behind closed doors, but it seemed like they were just kind of surrendered to, all right, the man's the breadwinner and the woman just like serves him when he gets home and, you know, caters to his preferences. And then he takes care of her in the ways that she needs it. You know,

[00:28:07] it's yes, that works for them, but I need something a little bit more, um, robust and, and, and deep and, and co-created. And I knew that I needed to be with somebody. Um, and, you know, my ex-husband's also smart. I don't want to knock him, but my current husband, our minds are just more compatible. And we talk about these things in depth and we really hash them out and like, okay,

[00:28:34] here's why I want this. And here's why you want this. And he can, I have a very, um, I have a flow chart actually for that. I teach to couples in terms of how to resolve conflict. And it requires you to be connected to your own feelings and desires first, because if you're not, and you're just blaming the other person and you don't know what you want, then, you know,

[00:28:57] it needs to start there. But then it's about really being curious about the needs and the values and the feelings and the dreams of the other person, knowing that underneath every conflict is a desire. And that if you go deep enough with what both people desire, there's always a win-win. And so, and if there's not, then, you know, it's not about forcing it. It's really about

[00:29:26] using the argument as deeper clarity in terms of, well, do we want different things? You know, if so, then we really need to determine that, right? Like, like I did with my ex-husband, but with my current husband, there's really, there hasn't, yes, of course we do argue because every couple argues, but when we do get into conflict, we use my tools. It's kind of like, it's funny because he talks about, um, people ask him, what's it like to be married to a relationship coach? And

[00:29:54] then, um, he says, well, it's kind of like driving in a car with a mechanic in the passenger seat, because if something breaks down, then she knows how to fix it. So he's willing to use all my tools. And, you know, like whenever we argue, we always come out feeling closer afterwards, but, you know, not like that. That is wonderful. Unfortunately, I wish I could have said that because most times we argue and it feels like it's the beginning of the end in the relationship, you know, and it's like,

[00:30:23] and looking back at it, I should have, I'll take accountability. I should have done more, you know, but I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up. You know, that person is on to better things, but staying with conflict, how do people turn conflict into intimacy? Yeah, exactly. Um, I mean, and I define intimacy as emotional intimacy in this case, but, you know,

[00:30:44] I mean, you could have good, um, you know, like makeup sex if that's also how you define it. Um, I mean, I know I'm like really turned on when we repair, but not like I need that to get turned on. Um, but so here I'm defining it as emotional intimacy. So what that means is that I really know how to ask the deeper questions about what you want, because conflict is an opportunity to

[00:31:13] discover more deeply about what you each want. Although usually it devolves into criticizing the other person and talking about what you don't want. So that's why when I have the flow chart that I mentioned, it's, it always has to start with before I'm even telling my husband anything that I want to be different. I need to be aware of like, I'm not just giving him a demand to change something,

[00:31:39] right? That is sure to start an argument because then he'll feel burdened and say no, and I don't want to do that. And then we'll be arguing. So it's not about him changing something. It's about a desire that I have. Um, you know, so for example, um, it's been a while since we had an argument, but, um, the last one we had, I think, you know, and it's funny, I gave this in the last

[00:32:03] interview, but, um, that I did, but like he took forever, like we have this, um, kind of complicated water filter and he knows how to change it. And I don't. Um, and so sorry, I had my phone on do not disturb, but still a call went through anyway. Um, yeah, Apple fix that shit. Apple fix that shit Apple, but go ahead. I know it's weird. It was on WhatsApp, but whatever. Um, here we are. Um,

[00:32:33] but so, um, we have a, and I could learn how to change the water filter, but it's sort of like, then I'd have to get the manual out and figure it out. And he knows how to do it. So he said he would do it like a month ago. And so I was like, you know, I don't want to nag him to do it. I see the legitimate reason why he's not doing it. He's busy making a pivot in his business. Like that's more important, of course. Um, but at the same time, the water was starting to taste like tap water,

[00:33:00] you know? So I'm like, all right. So it's not about nagging him to change. It's about talking about what it provides for me and, you know, saying like, um, you know, and being collaborative, you know, validating why he hasn't been doing it. Cause there's always a good reason why someone's doing the thing they're doing. Um, and if not, then the whole art of nonviolent

[00:33:25] communication is the premise that everything we do is to meet a need, even if it's a tragic need. Um, this was actually legitimate. I mean, if he's working on pivoting his business, then that provides the need of security and stability and purpose and functionality. And you know what I mean? Like that's more important than changing the water filter, but it's about really getting down to what is the experience that he's wanting to have and what's the experience I'm wanting to have.

[00:33:53] So the experience that I was wanting to have is also functionality, but you know, with like, I'm really sensitive to the chemicals in water. Cause I'm, I have very sensitive digestion. So it was like, if the water filter wasn't changed and I can taste that there's still chlorine in it, I can feel that, you know, it's not a big deal, right? If it's like for a month, but I'm not supposed

[00:34:20] to be drinking tap water with my sensitive microbiome, et cetera. So it's really about my health. And so I can approach him and say like, look, I, I understand the legitimate reason why you're not, why you haven't done it. You know, I get that pivoting your business is more important. And I really want to heal my digestion. And part of that is having high quality water to drink. And so let's collaborate. If you don't have time to do it, I could take time and learn the manual.

[00:34:50] Is that what you want? Or how do you want me to relate to this? Or do you want me to take something off your plate so that you have time to do it? You know, what would be the ideal solution here so that that's how you avoid having an argument. But if you're already in an argument, then you can take a time out kind of like I talked about with my ex-husband and I still do this with my current husband, but now there's apps for the phone. So, you know, there's an app for the iPhone called

[00:35:17] iGrock, which is kind of a silly name, but it's just like a list of feelings and needs. And so we take a time out and I look and I'm like, well, I'm feeling impatient and it's because I care about my health and healing my digestion. And you're feeling overwhelmed with work and, you know, you need more ease and focus in order to accomplish that. You know, how can we have both?

[00:35:43] So it's like there's always a because strategies conflict, right? Like I want it done now and he wants it done later. That's the strategy. Then we're going to argue about it. But the experience that we want to have underneath doesn't need to conflict because there's a way where I can have, you know, healthy drinking water and he can have the focus that he needs on his business and we can work out, all right, should I learn how to change the water filter or should I take

[00:36:11] something else off his plate? So he has more time, you know, we can find a win-win solution with that. I understand that that's not a very complicated example, but I like to give a simple example to teach the paradigm. And of course, feel free to like, give me a question about a more complicated argument. No, no, that's actually good. That's a good way to break things down. Because sometimes the biggest arguments, they start over something small and then snowballs into the bigger things. And

[00:36:36] the longer you let things slide and instead of calling it out, then that's when the big argument happens. So if you guys can nip the bud on the small things and come together to figure out how we can help each other, then, um, and do some trading off and do some, um, you know, accepting some things, do some compromising. That's how you, that's how you handle it, you know? Right, right. Exactly. But you know, you can apply this to a lot more complicated issues. It just takes longer.

[00:37:03] Yeah, it does. And sometimes with the complicated issues, it starts over something small, just like you said, um, like some small is changing the water filter or taking out the trash or something, some small shit, you know? And then it's like the longer you don't let it slide, I feel like that's when they get, then the big arguments come and then it's just snowballs. Right. No, totally. That was the biggest mistake I made in my twenties was, you know, not bringing things up in the beginning. And then by the time I brought it up,

[00:37:33] I was really upset about it. And then of course I didn't have the skills to not let it turn into an argument and then he would feel criticized. And then for me, it's like, I can tell right there, this is the beginning of the end of the relationship right here. It's like, because I just let things slide and stuff, calling it out and stuff, checking people and putting in their place. Because you know, one thing I've learned about, um, sometimes in a masculine energy, sometimes you will have that woman that may try you just to see what your reaction is going to be.

[00:38:02] And most women, they don't want a man that they just walk all over or they're not going to check them. So I wish I would have known that when I was younger because now it's like, no, no way we ain't, we ain't letting this shit slide. Yeah, no, exactly. Um, we definitely, you know, and I don't like to, um, you know, to pigeonhole with gender because everyone's different, but you know, I, I will say that, yes, assuming that the woman is the feminine partner, we want a man who knows how to

[00:38:31] speak his mind and to stand up for what he wants. Otherwise we won't respect him. But of course you need to know how to do that in a way that's not confrontational. Of course. That's the one thing we always got to learn. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Liquor Talk. The more you drink, the better we sound. Shout out to everybody that's tuned in on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, uh, whatever podcast platform you're on, or if you're just watching on YouTube or on TikTok, shout out to everybody that's tuned in. That's from everywhere that's

[00:39:01] tuned in to Liquor Talk. Thank you for everybody that's tuned in with us as we push in towards 400 episodes. We got to deal with the single people now. So, um, how do single people break the cycle of attracting unavailable partners and finally getting that person you deserve? And what, and what red flags need to be going off in our minds if we see a person who has given off these signs, uh, even though sometimes they might be good, but they're the red flags are lighting up

[00:39:29] like a Christmas tree. Oh my God. I know it. It's such a good and nuanced question. And that is what I wrote a book about. Um, so, you know, it's, uh, over 200 pages of that answer, but in, in a nutshell, um, basically we want to just follow chemistry and do what feels good. But all chemistry means is that

[00:39:55] either it feels familiar so that it's going to turn into whatever you saw your parents doing. So if you liked how your parents' marriage was, then you can follow chemistry. Um, but it's like, we tend to get attracted to people that it's all unconscious that if we have like fireworks or really strong chemistry, not that you shouldn't be attracted to them. Of course you need to be attracted to them.

[00:40:23] But like, if you pick a scale of one to 10 and they're like a nine or a 10, then automatically that means that they're going to trigger you the way that your parents triggered you. It's just, it's all unconscious. Um, and, or it could mean that you'll have healthy babies if you have great chemistry, but I mean, you can't like, you know, that shore that, that, that was all you needed like a few hundred years ago, but you know, now we as humans have evolved a lot since then. Um,

[00:40:54] not biologically though. That's, you know, this is all like our biology hasn't evolved, but our psychology has, you know, that's the problem. Um, so it's really about being strategic, but not being interrogational. Right. So that's the art because you don't want to, you know, so it's really important because what creates compatibility in the longterm is shared values.

[00:41:21] And, um, also a shared kind of lifestyle that you're agreeing that you want to live together, but lifestyle comes out of values. So, and these were the deep conversations I didn't have with my ex-husband to really clarify that we wanted different things. So for example, values, um, the values that I share with my current husband are, um, you know, things like we actually started

[00:41:48] out with a focus of healing and embodiment because we both have a lot of like physical trauma in our bodies. He's got birth trauma and I have hypermobile joints. Um, and that we would use our relationship as a container for healing, um, and like healing emotionally, healing physically, you know, I mean, we're both like functional, but you know, like we have sleep issues and like, um, you know, we're,

[00:42:16] we're, we're, we're both like kind of like stuck in sympathetic nervous system arousal from, from time to time. Um, and that like, we would really use our relationship as a healing partnership. And when, when I met him, I really wanted to own my value because I, my coaching practice at the time in 2015 wasn't as sustainable as I wanted it to be. And before I wrote my book and launched my

[00:42:42] podcast, like then I was able to get momentum in my business, but, um, I was really wanting to own my value and he was really wanting to heal particular things in his self. Um, you know, I don't, I don't want to speak for him, but we actually like after three months of dating, we created, um, a agreement of, you know, cause he asked me to be exclusive. And so here's the other thing. I don't really

[00:43:08] recommend that people become exclusive just because it feels good and you want to have sex. Um, cause that's the reason why a lot of people become exclusive is cause it feels good and you don't, you want to have sex and you don't want to get STDs. And so you don't want them to be sleeping with other people. And, you know, like that's important, but that's not the reason to become exclusive because you'll probably wind up in a situationship if you haven't really had these deeper

[00:43:33] conversations about values and vision. And so we created, uh, he did, um, uh, a Google document about like, well, here's what we're doing and here's our values and here's our vision. And, you know, I mean, I'm not saying that everybody needs to do that. I mean, that's what we did, but, um, the kind of conversations to have, um, I actually, when I coach singles, I broke it down into the kind of conversations to have on a first date and a second date, cause you don't want to show up

[00:44:02] on a first date and ask like, well, what do you want? You know, like in a, in a interrogational way, but you can ask questions like, so do you believe in, in true love? Do you believe that people can meet and stay married for the rest of their lives? You know, I'm not asking what you want with me cause you don't know me, but what are your beliefs? You know what I mean? Like learning how to ask these deeper questions or like, who is your biggest influence growing up? Tells you a lot

[00:44:32] about their character and their values, you know? So it's like, or what is life teaching you lately shows whether or not you have a growth mindset. So it's like learning how to ask these deeper questions to tell what their values are, to tell if you're going to be compatible in the longterm, rather than just like, I mean, it's important, like I said, to have fun and to follow chemistry

[00:44:55] somewhat. But it's about balancing that with like knowing how to determine if you could be compatible in the longterm. Right. Right. That's all wonderful right now. All wonderful keys right there that people should know about, because the one thing you got to stop, I had to learn this the hard way too, because I learned that you could ask somebody what they want out of a person and then you'll realize that they're just going to pretend to be that person. And then time's going to, it's going to come where the real

[00:45:24] them is going to show themselves once they get comfortable. So you got to learn that and not ask those kinds of questions because somebody could easily just pretend, you know, for a few months. So tell me, I'm not now, I probably should have asked you this at the beginning. It slipped my mind. Tell me about your podcast, Soul Shaking Love. Yes. No, I mean, I'd love to. I didn't really talk about red flags though. So I don't know if you want me to before I get to that. Oh yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Talk about the red flags and then we'll get back to your podcast.

[00:45:51] Yeah. Cause I mean, it's one thing to ask the questions, but it's another thing to know what to look for. So, cause I think that it's really important if you keep attracting people that are either on a, have an avoidant attachment style, so they're not available for commitment or if they're emotionally unavailable, you know, and God forbid they'd be a narcissist or someone who's

[00:46:14] highly emotionally unavailable, but cause narcissists can pretend to be. So it's important to know what to look for. And so first of all, do they respect your boundaries? If you say your boundaries, do they try to push them? Cause that's a huge red flag. Um, and if they are consistently like, notice how they talk about, if they complain about their ex or they complain about the people in

[00:46:43] their life or notice how they treat, like if you're out at the restaurant, notice how they treat the waitstaff. Um, these are all like, cause like the way they talk about other people and the way they treat other people are the way they're going to treat you when they are more comfortable. So that that's huge. Um, and also it's important to know if they're emotionally available by starting

[00:47:08] out, sharing your unpleasant feelings in a small way, that's not about them. Cause you know, in the first few dates, you don't really want to complain about something they're doing unless it's like egregious, right? In which case you shouldn't be dating them, but, um, you know, cause there's no room for complaining. It's more like talking about, well, you know, it's learning the art of the yes and like, yes, I would love to go to the beach today, but actually I'm tired. So I would prefer

[00:47:37] to not have to drive so far or cause you pick me up or I would prefer to go somewhere local or, you know, like it's, of course it's good to state your preferences and desires always. But, um, the way I teach to test whether someone's emotionally available is to share an unpleasant feeling about like, Oh, you know, I had a conversation with a friend today and she was,

[00:48:01] I feel really sad because her mom isn't doing well. And I gave her a lot of emotional support and I feel really concerned for her. And, you know, I'm just really tender hearted about that. And just to notice how they respond. Of course, of course. Now, what do you tell the people who are always attracting people who, who have been done wrong in previous relationships? And they spend most of the time talking about venting to you about what the ex-boyfriend did or what the ex-girlfriend

[00:48:31] did. And it's like, and you're wondering why do you, why do you keep attracting these hurt people, you know, instead of attracting people who are more along your wavelength, is there something you have to fix within yourself and what you tell those people? Well, yeah, absolutely. And, um, what I like to say is, first of all, how do you respond to that? Because it's about you having

[00:48:56] healthy boundaries in terms of not thinking that you need to fix that person. Um, and, but I mean, I wouldn't be attracted to someone who's complaining or I would ask, you know, Hey, that sounds really tough that your ex kept cheating on you or, or whatever. I'm not saying that's your fault at all. You know, um, of course that's completely their fault and on them. And, um, but what red

[00:49:22] flags might you have missed in them that you didn't know that about their character? Right. So it's always asking questions to get them to see if they can take responsibility. Um, cause if they can, then it's not as much of a red flag, but if they can, and they're just blaming the person, then that's a huge red flag. And, you know, that shows they can't take responsibility. But if you keep on finding yourself attracted to those people, those kinds of people, then it is about doing the

[00:49:48] inner work inside yourself. So what I had to do in order to become emotionally available, cause I wasn't, I had more of an avoidant attachment style in my twenties. Um, I would, that's why I saw conflict under the rug. Um, was learning how, and I actually, when I first started, I would have to set alarms to pay attention to my feelings because it's, we attract people that treat us the way that we treat ourselves. And so if I'm attracting unavailable, emotionally

[00:50:18] unavailable people, it's actually cause I'm emotionally unavailable to myself, but I might not know that because we're only taught two ways of being with feelings, either suppressing them or just like expressing them, but not necessarily being with them with empathy and compassion for ourselves and asking ourselves, what is it that I need in order to feel better and learning how to sit with my feelings with compassion and hear the message in them. And that's what it really means. Like what

[00:50:48] action do I need to take differently? Or what do I need to say in a harmonious way to this person? Um, not just like vending or complaining, like really focusing on what I do want. And so it's only when I learned those skills within myself that I started attracting more emotionally available people because it's, we're also attracted to people that treat us the way we

[00:51:12] treat ourselves. So if we're attracting a lot of people that are complaining, then it's just a mirror to look at, well, what in me is attracted to that? Or do they remind me like, was my dad always complaining growing up? And do they then need to do some grieving work around that? Because we tend to attract people that mirror the things that we think we deserve based on what we told her, like what was

[00:51:39] modeled to us. And so it is when I work with people, I help them do a deep dive in terms of like, what do you find attractive about that? Or do you think that that's how all men are? Cause that's what was modeled to you. Um, or how all women are. Cause I also work with men. Um, and so it's looking at our beliefs and our patterns and what skills do we need to have in order to overcome them both within ourselves and what do we need to look for in the other person? So, you know, that's kind of

[00:52:08] how I address that, but that's real. That's so real. I feel like everybody definitely needs to do the self-work out there. Now, some of it is who is harder to coach the men or the women? Who's harder to coach? Oh, you know, I mean, I think that like, I really do like working with both men and women there. They just have usually different. And like I said, I don't like to stereotype with genders because like I've been coaching for so long that a lot of times,

[00:52:35] you know, men, my stereotypes about men are false and women are false. But in general, um, men are easier to get to be solution focused. They're usually like, tell me what to do and I'll do it. Um, you know, or they want to understand things and once they understand what to do, and then they want to kind of spell that for them, you know, then they sort of feel like they got what they needed. But the hard part is to get them to slow down and feel their feelings

[00:53:03] and identify their feelings and talk about that, you know, and, and get this distinction with it. Cause it's a really, it, it's hard to express your feelings as a man because, um, a, you know, you're not taught to do that, but it's learning. Like there's a difference between, and this is a skill for both men and women, but there's a difference between victim vulnerability versus

[00:53:27] empowered vulnerability and like victim vulnerability is talking about like, Oh, I'm scared and I don't know what to do, you know, or, you know, and that's more acceptable in the feminine energy partner than the masculine energy partner, because the masculine energy partner is the leader. And so, um, it takes more work to get to a solution focused place. If like you're scared or angry or sad or

[00:53:55] upset, um, empowered vulnerability is like, well, I feel scared, but I'm sure that I'll work it out, but I need support in working it out. You know, can you help me, you know, or like, let's work it out together. Let's brainstorm solutions. Like you're still vulnerable, but you're solution focused. So that's like the complicated art to teach to men, because if you're with a feminine energy woman, she's going to want you to be solution focused, but still vulnerable, which is like, it's hard. I want to acknowledge that that's hard. So I kind of help men.

[00:54:24] It is hard. I'm glad you see that. I'm glad you see what us men go through, you know? Oh no, totally. It's, it's, my heart really goes out to men because it's, it's actually easier for women to be vulnerable in a relationship. Now, if their partner is emotionally available and if they know how to be comfortable being vulnerable, which is complicated in and of itself, but with men,

[00:54:50] there's this additional layer about having to still be seen as strong while you're vulnerable. Because vulnerability takes a lot of courage, but it needs to be said in a way that doesn't scare the feminine partner. Yeah, it definitely shouldn't be because then you'll have the women complaining about, oh, why this man got a podcast? Oh, he talking about his feelings. And you have those low vibrational women who act like men can't express themselves. And I tell my fellas this all the time that,

[00:55:20] hey, we need to express ourselves now then to, because I don't want to hear about you on the news. You done took your life, you know? No, exactly. And I mean, you know, that's, it's keeping it real, right? It's like, I feel like it's important to own how challenging it is. So, I mean, that, that's the challenging part about coaching men is really teaching that. But I, I, I think I know how to teach it. It's just, you know, it's not as easy as teaching women to be vulnerable. It's just around their blocks

[00:55:48] to being vulnerable, you know, that there's, that they see it as weak. And of course, the distinction around the victim vulnerability is also important because men don't like women that are complaining all the time. And it's about, you know, I mean, nobody likes anyone that's complaining all the time, but it's, um, women need to learn how to express their desires in a way that's not complaining or making the man wrong, you know? So it's not like it's not complicated, but men need to learn

[00:56:15] that too. But then they also have to learn how to express it with strength. Uh, you know, that's the, that's the challenge. Um, so, I mean, I could give examples of, you know, we have time, but, um, but so women are, um, you know, most of my clients are actually women and it's, you know, probably cause I'm a woman and my, you know, so that comes out in my marketing, but, but I always

[00:56:39] have, uh, a few men. Um, so, I mean, it's, it's easier to coach women in terms of how to express their feelings because women are socialized to be able to communicate about their feelings, but it's challenging for women raised in, uh, you know, patriarchal culture to have them really

[00:57:03] fully embody their feminine energy and not like chase after the man or pursue the man, but still be generous and giving and present that, that challenge is harder for women. Um, you know, it's easier for men to empower them to lead because you're sort of empowered in our culture, but it's harder for women to teach the art of how to collaborate rather than lead, not try to like

[00:57:30] take the lead and, um, you know, always be initiating. And cause there's nothing wrong with a woman initiating and calling the man and, you know, asking him out, like none of that is wrong. But the thing is that masculine energy men only really value what they work for. And so if a woman wants a man who's going to be committed, it's not like he's not going to be

[00:57:58] committed if she's pursuing him, but there's no way of knowing if he would be unless he's the one who's taking the initiative, you know? So it's sort of like teaching the art of letting the man lead and letting and collaborating, not just blindly following. Um, which is, it's hard in our culture to teach that to women because especially if a woman is in her late thirties and she wants a family

[00:58:23] and, you know, it's hard for her to not come with this strong pursuing energy. And, um, there's nothing wrong, like I said, with having pursuing energy, but if you do, there's no way of knowing if the man is going to want to step up and initiate. And if that's what the woman wants, then she has to let him, you know? So it's kind of like, but, but not, not like wait by the phone or whatever for the,

[00:58:50] like actually live your life and date multiple people consensually, like, and not become exclusive until you've determined that the person shares your values and vision. Like that's the art for feminine energy woman who just want to kind of, they have a lot of, uh, a really giving loving heart and they just want to, they, they fall in love and they just want to be in a committed relationship, but it's,

[00:59:18] there's an art to telling if the man wants what you want, you know? And, um, and in, in a marriage, the harder part for the woman is learning how to not tell him what to do and make him wrong, but learning how to like really collaborate and share your feelings instead. Cause nobody's really taught how to do that in our culture. Yeah. Nobody is. Nobody has taught how to do any of that. You know, it was just, and one thing I've learned over there is you got to unlearn some things,

[00:59:48] you know, you got to unlearn some bad habits. You got to unlearn some things. You guys definitely sit down, take time with yourself and learn the bad habits. So you, that way you don't keep getting the same results. So what is something you would like to tell the people in relationships that anybody that's listening says, what's something you want to tell people who are in relationships? Yes. Well, first of all, I mean, I'll, I'll just, I'll answer your question about the podcast of it's,

[01:00:12] it's called soul shaking love and, uh, it's available on all of the podcast platforms as well. Um, it's mostly me interviewing other people, but it's based on the premise that, um, in order to create a soul shaking partnership, that, that really means that you're connected to yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in order to really connect deeply with another

[01:00:37] person. So I interview not just relationship experts, but people about healing, um, physical health, um, emotional health, spirituality, um, and, uh, really teaching the skills for how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and another. So anyway, I just wanted to answer your question about that. Um, but, um, but yeah, so just advice for people in relationships. It, I mean, was there

[01:01:04] a particular focus or just like how to, um, Oh, just for anybody, whether in a relationship where they're married, like just in general that you see commonly with all of them, you know, when we talk to them? Yeah, no, exactly. Um, I think that we're not really taught how to create secure attachment. So my advice is to really focus on these two categories of the secure base and the safe haven,

[01:01:31] because most fights are not what they seem to be about on the surface. It's because we don't feel prioritized. We don't feel, um, like when we do express our feelings or desires that the other person deeply listens, you know, it's like, if we don't feel prioritized or heard or deeply listened to, then our attachment system in our brain feels like we're not important. And then we're, we're

[01:01:59] going to get more triggered about something else. Right. And kind of, but it's actually about that we don't feel respected or connected. Um, so it's, it's really learning how to, um, make the other person feel and for you to feel securely, um, emotionally connected. And so what that means is, um, so a secure base is that you're regularly asking questions around what are you

[01:02:28] creating? What are your dreams? How can I support you? You know, and touching base on it and making time me talk about that because if we don't feel supported with what it is that we're moving towards in our life, then, you know, sexual energy is creative energy where we're not really going to feel passionate about this other person. If we don't feel like we have the finger on the pulse of what's alive for them and making time to have those deeper conversations. Um, and then there's

[01:02:57] what I haven't talked about as much, which is, so that's the secure pace. Then there's the safe haven, which is how we respond to each other's feelings and desires, um, or complaints, or, you know, if the other person's picking a fight, it's like to recognize that there's a, uh, a desire that they have. Like I said earlier, how do you respond when the person's upset? How do you respond when they're complaining? How do you respond when they want something? Do you really make the time to say, even if you don't have

[01:03:25] time now, we'll talk about that later and sit down and talk about it with them so that, you know, if they're sharing something that they're struggling with, how do you want me to be with that? You know, do you want advice? Do you just want empathy? Your feelings are important, you know, come here and let me hold you and let me help you to work it out, you know, like, or I just really care and you don't want me to solve the problem. You just want me to listen and sit with you and tell you that I care. You know, it's really learning the art of how the other person wants to be responded

[01:03:55] to when they're sharing something unpleasant. That makes us feel really deeply like it's us against the world kind of feeling, you know? Yes, of course, of course, definitely us against the world. That's, that's how it should be in relationships. You shouldn't be with a partner. You gotta come home, you deal with the world, you fight and you shouldn't have to come home to a partner that's fighting with you and you gotta come home to a partner that's on your side and on your

[01:04:21] team. Next up, what is some advice you want to give to the people who are single out there? Because it's tough out here for singles. It really is. Yeah, no, it is. And gosh, it's so many people. Like I said, I think the biggest thing that I mean, I mean, there's there's several issues that singles face. One of them is that we just follow chemistry rather than dating strategically. So that's

[01:04:49] the first thing I mentioned. The other thing is, I think it's important to not just focus on meeting people online. Because it's just the online, the apps and all of that, it's like the lowest common denominator. And it can be kind of like a slog. And so depending on where you live, if you want to

[01:05:14] meet somebody who has compatible values, because it's really hard to tell that on the apps. First of all, if you're on the apps, I think it's really important that you write a profile that speaks on a deeper level about, you know, not you don't want to be too serious, but you want to talk about your values on your profile. You know, so I might say that, you know, I love I'm I'm very personal

[01:05:41] growth oriented. And I love my favorite thing to do is having deep conversations, you know. And I might talk about like, I helped a girlfriend out with a problem she had last week and how good it felt or whatever. You know, it's like you want to and then when you're messaging somebody in their profile, you want to ask those deeper questions. Like what's life teaching you lately? Or, you know,

[01:06:05] hey, I saw this picture and it looked like you were in, you know, like what, what like you were hiking on a mountain and like, what is your favorite thing about hiking? And do you find it exhilarating? And, you know, here's an and also answer the same question like that this was my favorite place to hike. And here's how it felt. Start talking about your feelings, start talking about your values

[01:06:32] right from the get go, but in a fun way, because I feel like most people just want to have, you know, like fun conversations on the apps. And of course, it is all about witty banter and, you know, like telling, like having having fun. But at the same time, that's you want to move it to meeting in person as soon as possible to into talking on the phone as soon as possible. Because the one thing about

[01:07:01] the apps is that if you have a deep conversation over text, a lot of chemistry is actually based on smell. And you could have this deep conversation on the app and then meet them in person. And there's no, even if you're physically. Yeah, I've definitely experienced that. I've definitely experienced that being on the app talking for days, texting, talking for days, called, then meeting in person. It's like, what the hell are we doing? You know, so I definitely agree with all of that, you know,

[01:07:28] because I got them got to move the conversation from the apps to the phone as soon as possible. You know, don't sit around waste time, especially if you're being intentional. Yeah, no, exactly. But, you know, like, it's there's an art to that. Like, I feel like we need to have a few deep questions first to tell if they're even worth a phone call, but then say, like, this is really wonderful. And texting is so two dimensional, a phone call would feel great.

[01:07:56] What do you think? You know, if you're the feminine energy partner. But I would say social networking is the I've actually never met any of the people that I've been in long term relationships with through an app. I've always met people in person. Now, of course, I have the advantage of living near New York City, which, you know, it's easy to find events in New York City with people that share your values. Like I met my current husband through the authentic relating community,

[01:08:25] where everybody wants to have deep conversations about their feelings. You know, but what I would say is like, what are your values? What are you know, and when I work with people, and also in my book, I have a list of values and an exercise that I give about how does it look and feel when you're expressing those values? And, you know, and how would you know that another person is, you know, what are you looking for? And so if you clarify that,

[01:08:53] then the next question to ask is where does that kind of person hang out? You know, what I recommend is like take a adult education class or do volunteer work or, you know, go to events, like a conference or, you know, a, if you're spiritual, go to a church or synagogue or meditation

[01:09:21] group, and, you know, try to volunteer there so that you meet more people. You know, it's the way that I met my husband was actually at a house party by one of the leaders of the authentic relating community because I went to their events regularly and I became friends with the organizers. And then

[01:09:43] the organizer happened to be also recently just met my current husband and invited him. So also like going to things like dinner parties, because that's a place where you would have deep conversations with people, hopefully. And it's not necessarily the other distinction that I want to bring to social

[01:10:08] networking is you're not necessarily looking to meet someone at that event who's going to be your, you know, future spouse. That's more of a hunting mentality versus a farming mentality or gardening mentality. Um, cause gardening is about like tilling the soil, watering, putting in consistent effort. You're not

[01:10:32] expecting to plant a seed and harvest a vegetable the next day. Um, so it's, but hunting, you're expecting to go out and, you know, find something that day. Right. So that's, that's not the right analogy to bring to meeting people in person. It's really about social networking is about going to a dinner party, seeing who you connect with as a friend and making plans with that person. And then saying to that

[01:10:58] person, like, you know, when you go out to lunch with them and you get to know them, it's like, what's something that's most important to you in your life right now? Well, I'm single and I'm looking for somebody, um, for my life partner, you know, do you know anyone that might be compatible for me? Right. It's, or like, who, where do you think I should go to look? Right. It's just about gathering information and meeting people through people. And then eventually the person, you know,

[01:11:27] that you're friends with might want to go out with you if they're also single or they might know somebody, you know? So it's, it's not necessarily thinking that it's a loss if you don't meet somebody that night, but it's like that, um, idiom that your net work is your net worth. Um, it also applies

[01:11:50] to relationships that your network is, you know, your social net worth, you know, that the more people, you know, that share your values, the more you're likely to meet somebody through them and meeting somebody through a friend, they're kind of pre-screened rather than going through the apps, you know? That's true. That is so true. So be open to, um, meet people in person, not on the apps, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right here. And if you don't get nothing else from this podcast,

[01:12:20] hope y'all get that. Um, but Valerie, I want to thank you for blessing the liquor talk with your presence. Thank you for coming on. If you ever need a podcast guest, just holler at your boy. I'm in Florida, but I'm just a DM away. Yeah. Well, let's talk about it. All right. We will. Um, thank you to the listeners out there for listening to this podcast and thank you to everybody for tuning in as well. Thank you to our friends at Podmatch for providing us this guest and plenty

[01:12:44] of other guests, other guests as well. And if you want to find your guests, join Podmatch and that's how fast we get your own podcast until next episode. Peace y'all.