In this episode of the "Talk To Me Michele" podcast, Michele delves into the intricacies of forgiveness, exploring its deeper meaning and personal significance. She candidly shares her struggles with holding grudges and the journey towards understanding forgiveness as a tool for personal liberation rather than for the benefit of those who have wronged us. Listeners are offered insightful perspectives, practical steps, and relatable stories that highlight the emotional and health benefits of truly letting go.
Michele busts common myths about forgiveness, emphasizing that it doesn’t require forgetting or allowing those who hurt us back into our lives. Instead, she portrays forgiveness as a means to regain mental freedom and joy, separating the act of forgiving from the notion of reconciliation. Tune in for an engaging discussion that encourages prioritizing personal peace, setting healthy boundaries, and the importance of forgiving on your own terms. This episode is a reminder that forgiveness is ultimately about reclaiming your space and energy for a healthier, happier life.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:04 We're talking about forgiveness today, what it is and why it's more about you
00:00:04 --> 00:00:09 than them and how to know if you've actually done it or are you just pretending.
00:00:17 --> 00:00:35 Music.
00:00:19 --> 00:00:24 Talk to me in the shadow On your streetlights on the corner,
00:00:27 --> 00:00:35 City vibes got a story Feel the beat, don't ignore me Welcome back in to the
00:00:35 --> 00:00:38 Talk To Me Michelle podcast where we sip the tea, tell the truth,
00:00:38 --> 00:00:41 and occasionally step on some toes, but with love.
00:00:42 --> 00:00:47 Well, most of the time. Today's episode is personal for me because we're talking
00:00:47 --> 00:00:51 about something I've wrestled with like it was a WWE championship night.
00:00:52 --> 00:00:57 Forgiveness. And listen, if there was no Olympic sport for holding grudges,
00:00:57 --> 00:00:59 baby, I'd have a gold medal.
00:00:59 --> 00:01:05 A Wheaties box deal, and a Netflix documentary. I have had my moments with people,
00:01:05 --> 00:01:10 friends, family, co-workers, where the relationship came to an end and I could
00:01:10 --> 00:01:13 not find it in my own heart to forgive them.
00:01:13 --> 00:01:18 Now, I'm naturally a little petty. I can admit that. So being unforgiving,
00:01:18 --> 00:01:21 well, that kind of comes with the territory.
00:01:21 --> 00:01:25 I've been known to remember things longer than I should. You know,
00:01:25 --> 00:01:28 like three years later in the shower, I'm still giving you that speech I should
00:01:28 --> 00:01:29 have gave to you on that day.
00:01:30 --> 00:01:34 But lately, I'm leaning to opening up more to the idea of forgiveness,
00:01:34 --> 00:01:40 how it might be more for me than it is for them, which is annoying because I don't like being wrong.
00:01:41 --> 00:01:43 But also, I don't like being stressed.
00:01:44 --> 00:01:46 Let me get something straight out the gate.
00:01:47 --> 00:01:52 Forgiveness is not some magical kumbaya fairy dust moment where you suddenly
00:01:52 --> 00:01:57 hold hands with the person who hurts you, Sing gospel. Bake banana bread together.
00:01:58 --> 00:02:00 No, it does not work like that.
00:02:00 --> 00:02:05 Forgiveness in the real world is basically saying I'm not going to let what
00:02:05 --> 00:02:07 you did to me rent space in my head anymore.
00:02:08 --> 00:02:11 Because the rent is too high and you were a terrible tenant.
00:02:11 --> 00:02:17 That's it. It's about you taking back your peace, your mental bandwidth, and your joy.
00:02:17 --> 00:02:20 Not about them suddenly becoming the lead in your happy ending.
00:02:21 --> 00:02:26 Now let's bust a few myths real quick. Myth number one, forgiving means forgetting.
00:02:27 --> 00:02:32 If that was true, I would have lost my memory back in the 1990s, okay?
00:02:33 --> 00:02:37 Forgetting isn't required. And honestly, remembering is what keeps you from
00:02:37 --> 00:02:39 letting them pull the same stunt twice.
00:02:40 --> 00:02:45 I can forgive you and still keep a mental PowerPoint presentation of what happened.
00:02:45 --> 00:02:50 Myth number two, if you forgive them, you have to let them back in your life.
00:02:51 --> 00:02:57 Absolutely not. Forgiveness is not an automatic re-entry pass. Think of it like this.
00:02:57 --> 00:03:02 I can take your picture off the most worn wall in my mental post office,
00:03:02 --> 00:03:05 but it doesn't mean you're invited to the Sunday dinner.
00:03:05 --> 00:03:10 Myth number three, you can't forgive and still have boundaries.
00:03:10 --> 00:03:14 Baby, boundaries are how you keep your peace after forgiving.
00:03:14 --> 00:03:19 That's like saying I'll clean my house, but leave the door wide open for raccoons to move in.
00:03:20 --> 00:03:25 Now, we are locking the doors, closing the blinds, and maybe even putting up a fence in the backyard.
00:03:26 --> 00:03:30 At the end of the day, forgiveness is your personal choice.
00:03:30 --> 00:03:35 At the end of the day, forgiveness is a personal choice. You don't owe it to anybody.
00:03:35 --> 00:03:41 And if you're not ready, that's fine. It's your timeline, your healing process, your rules.
00:03:41 --> 00:03:45 The key is when you decide to forgive, make sure you're doing it for you,
00:03:46 --> 00:03:47 not to make other people comfortable.
00:03:48 --> 00:03:50 Now, let's talk about the real tea.
00:03:50 --> 00:03:55 Why forgiveness benefits us more than it ever will benefit the person we're forgiving.
00:03:55 --> 00:03:58 First off, that emotional weight you're carrying is too heavy.
00:03:59 --> 00:04:04 Anger, resentment, bitterness, all of that is basically emotional spanks.
00:04:04 --> 00:04:08 You think it's holding you together, but it's really making it hard to breathe.
00:04:09 --> 00:04:13 You got to look at it. You're over here pacing the floor, replaying the betrayal
00:04:13 --> 00:04:15 like it's your favorite Netflix series.
00:04:15 --> 00:04:20 The other person is probably a brunch ordering mimosas, not thinking about you
00:04:20 --> 00:04:22 at all. Then there's a health side.
00:04:23 --> 00:04:27 Holding on to grudges is like keeping a toxic plant in your living room.
00:04:27 --> 00:04:29 It's slowly messing with your air quality.
00:04:30 --> 00:04:34 Forgiveness can reduce stress, help you sleep better, even lower your blood pressure.
00:04:34 --> 00:04:40 And yes, I'm talking to my fellow women of all certain age where the doctor
00:04:40 --> 00:04:43 already side-eyes us at the annual checkups.
00:04:43 --> 00:04:50 So try to forgive. It's not for them. But so your blood pressure cuff doesn't pop off mid-reading.
00:04:50 --> 00:04:53 Now the mental piece you get from forgiveness.
00:04:53 --> 00:04:59 Forgiveness is like decluttering your mind. You get rid of all the mess so there's
00:04:59 --> 00:05:05 room for joy, creativity, focus, and the energy to deal with people who actually deserve your time.
00:05:05 --> 00:05:08 Because I'm going to be honest, resentment is exhausting.
00:05:08 --> 00:05:13 I don't know about you, but my nap schedule is already precious.
00:05:13 --> 00:05:20 Let me give you a personal example. I once stayed mad at someone for two whole years. Two years.
00:05:20 --> 00:05:24 Every time I thought about them, I would get this knot in my stomach.
00:05:24 --> 00:05:29 My jaw would clench and my mood shot to hell, okay? I'd be fine one minute.
00:05:30 --> 00:05:35 Then one mental trip down petty lane and suddenly I'm side-eyeing my own plants.
00:05:35 --> 00:05:40 The worst part, they didn't even know I was still mad. They were living their
00:05:40 --> 00:05:46 life, posting vacation pictures, and here I am making my blood pressure do the cha-cha slide.
00:05:46 --> 00:05:51 It wasn't until I let it go, really let it go, then I realized how much space
00:05:51 --> 00:05:53 it was taking up in my brain.
00:05:53 --> 00:05:58 I had more energy, my mood lifted, and I could actually enjoy my coffee without
00:05:58 --> 00:06:01 an imaginary argument ruining it.
00:06:01 --> 00:06:04 So yeah, forgiveness is for you, always.
00:06:04 --> 00:06:09 Because nine times out of ten, they're fine. You're the one that's losing the sleep.
00:06:10 --> 00:06:14 So let's talk about how you know if you've actually forgiven somebody.
00:06:14 --> 00:06:17 Or you're just saying it because it sounds grown and evolved.
00:06:18 --> 00:06:21 So I got a few signs to let you know if you've truly forgiven.
00:06:22 --> 00:06:26 You can think about the person or the situation without a little gut punch feeling.
00:06:27 --> 00:06:32 You know, that drop in your stomach like you just saw your ex walk in with somebody cuter than you.
00:06:32 --> 00:06:38 If that's gone, that's a good sign. You're not mentally replaying revenge scenarios anymore.
00:06:39 --> 00:06:43 You're not in the shower plotting their downfall like you're a Marvel villain.
00:06:43 --> 00:06:46 And the big one, you can wish them well.
00:06:46 --> 00:06:50 Or at the very least, not wish them a trip in public and spill hot coffee down
00:06:50 --> 00:06:52 their shirt. Now that's growth.
00:06:52 --> 00:06:55 Now here's how you know you have not forgiven.
00:06:56 --> 00:06:59 You bring it up every chance you get. If somebody says past assault,
00:07:00 --> 00:07:04 you're like, speaking of assault, remember when Cheryl threw salt on my name back in 2018?
00:07:04 --> 00:07:08 Yeah, you still mad. Just thinking about them makes you clench your jaw,
00:07:09 --> 00:07:12 roll your eyes, or write a whole Facebook stash that ends with,
00:07:12 --> 00:07:15 if you think this is about you, it probably is.
00:07:16 --> 00:07:20 Now, let me give you a real life test moment from my own petty archives.
00:07:21 --> 00:07:26 There was someone, and no, I'm not naming names because I'm classy, who did me wrong.
00:07:27 --> 00:07:31 I told myself that I had forgiven them. But once I saw them in a grocery store
00:07:31 --> 00:07:37 one day, yo, I swear I decked behind the produce section like I was a CIA operative.
00:07:37 --> 00:07:41 My heart rate was up, my palms were sweating, and I was ready to abandon my
00:07:41 --> 00:07:44 cart and all my coupons just to avoid them.
00:07:44 --> 00:07:47 And that's when I knew, nope, I'm still mad.
00:07:48 --> 00:07:53 Now, on the flip side, I knew I had finally forgiven a different person when
00:07:53 --> 00:07:54 I bumped into them months later.
00:07:55 --> 00:07:58 I could actually smile and say hello to them, keep it moving,
00:07:58 --> 00:08:02 and genuinely mean it when I wish them well in my head.
00:08:02 --> 00:08:06 And I didn't have to go home and call three people to decompress.
00:08:06 --> 00:08:11 That's when you know you've let it go. So if you're still feeling that heat
00:08:11 --> 00:08:15 in your chest when you think about them, got some work to do. And that's okay.
00:08:16 --> 00:08:17 Just be honest about where you're
00:08:17 --> 00:08:22 at. Fake forgiveness is just holding the grudge while wearing a mask.
00:08:22 --> 00:08:28 Now, there are practical steps working toward forgiveness because everyone loves
00:08:28 --> 00:08:34 to tell you, just forgive and move on like it's that simple as switching from regular to decaf.
00:08:34 --> 00:08:39 Not necessarily. Forgiveness is a process and sometimes it can be a messy one.
00:08:39 --> 00:08:42 The first step is to acknowledge the hurt.
00:08:42 --> 00:08:47 Don't skip straight to I forgive you, because if you feel pressure to be the bigger person.
00:08:48 --> 00:08:51 Now, I don't know who started this rumor that being the bigger person means
00:08:51 --> 00:08:55 letting people walk all over you. But I like to meet them in a parking lot.
00:08:56 --> 00:09:00 Sit with your feelings first. You can't heal what you won't admit is broken.
00:09:01 --> 00:09:05 The second step is to separate the act from the person when possible.
00:09:05 --> 00:09:09 This is a very tricky one because sometimes people are in their behavior.
00:09:09 --> 00:09:13 But in some cases, the person made a bad choice.
00:09:13 --> 00:09:18 And that choice doesn't have to define them forever. An example could be a friend
00:09:18 --> 00:09:23 of yours forgetting your birthday once is different from your friend stealing your man.
00:09:23 --> 00:09:29 Okay, two different scenarios. Both are wrong, but one might get a cupcake redemption.
00:09:29 --> 00:09:33 The third step is to write it out. And this is my favorite one because you get
00:09:33 --> 00:09:37 a chance to write a letter to them telling them exactly how you feel.
00:09:38 --> 00:09:42 And in that letter, you can be raw. You can be petty. Be real.
00:09:43 --> 00:09:47 Just don't send it to them. You want to burn it, rip it up, throw it in the ocean.
00:09:47 --> 00:09:52 Whatever feels dramatic enough for you. This is your release without giving
00:09:52 --> 00:09:53 them the satisfaction of your words.
00:09:54 --> 00:09:57 The fourth step, therapy, journaling, or meditation.
00:09:58 --> 00:10:01 And sometimes we need professional help to get through it. And no,
00:10:01 --> 00:10:04 that's not a weakness. That's wisdom.
00:10:04 --> 00:10:08 A therapist can help you unpack the baggage without judging the fact that you've
00:10:08 --> 00:10:11 been side-eyeing this person for the last three years straight.
00:10:12 --> 00:10:17 The fifth step is to focus on your own healing, not their apology. And this is a huge one.
00:10:18 --> 00:10:22 Stop waiting for them to make it right before you move on. You might never get
00:10:22 --> 00:10:23 the apology you deserve.
00:10:24 --> 00:10:30 And if you put your peace on hold until you do, you're basically giving them control over your joy.
00:10:30 --> 00:10:34 And baby, we are not handing out that kind of power anymore.
00:10:35 --> 00:10:41 The bottom line, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not a free pass for them.
00:10:41 --> 00:10:46 You don't have to invite them back into your life. You don't have to like them again.
00:10:46 --> 00:10:48 And you sure don't have to pretend like it never happened.
00:10:49 --> 00:10:54 You're simply choosing not to let the hurt be the main character in your story anymore.
00:10:54 --> 00:11:00 The bottom line, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not a free pass for them.
00:11:00 --> 00:11:05 You don't have to invite them back into your life, and you don't have to like them again.
00:11:05 --> 00:11:09 And you sure don't have to pretend like it never happened. You are simply choosing
00:11:09 --> 00:11:13 not to let the hurt be the main character in your story anymore.
00:11:13 --> 00:11:18 At the end of the day, your peace is priceless and they can't afford it.
00:11:18 --> 00:11:23 All right, y'all. If you take nothing else from today's episode, hear me on this.
00:11:23 --> 00:11:28 Forgiveness is your peace, not their comfort. You're not doing them a favor.
00:11:28 --> 00:11:29 You're doing yourself one.
00:11:30 --> 00:11:34 It's like finally taking out the trash. The garbage doesn't care.
00:11:34 --> 00:11:37 But your house sure smells a lot better and
00:11:37 --> 00:11:41 please stop thinking you have to rush forgiveness there's
00:11:41 --> 00:11:46 no forgiveness deadline i don't think god's up there with a clipboard like okay
00:11:46 --> 00:11:54 friday 5 p.m you better let that go no take your time heal at your own pace
00:11:54 --> 00:11:59 just don't unpack and live in resentment forever the rent is too high and the
00:11:59 --> 00:12:00 neighbors are too messy.
00:12:01 --> 00:12:08 Now here's my mic drop moment. Forgiving you doesn't mean you get a front row seat in my life again.
00:12:08 --> 00:12:10 It just means I'm no longer holding the ticket.
00:12:11 --> 00:12:15 You can go sit in the balcony with the other folks I've wished well from afar.
00:12:16 --> 00:12:19 And I want to hear from you guys. What's your forgiveness story?
00:12:19 --> 00:12:24 When did you know you actually let something go? And when did you realize you
00:12:24 --> 00:12:25 were still holding on to it.
00:12:25 --> 00:12:29 So send me an email or DM me on social media or leave a comment.
00:12:29 --> 00:12:33 I'll read a few on a future episode because I know I'm not the only one who's
00:12:33 --> 00:12:36 had to forgive without a group hug and a happy ending.
00:12:37 --> 00:12:41 Before I go, make sure you go order your copy of my grown woman coloring book,
00:12:41 --> 00:12:44 Color Me Unbothered, available right now on Amazon.
00:12:45 --> 00:12:48 It's all about peace, personality, and a little bit of petty.
00:12:48 --> 00:12:50 And yes, it's a book for me.
00:12:51 --> 00:12:53 Follow me on social media so you don't miss an episode and if
00:12:53 --> 00:12:57 you love what you're hearing you can support the podcast over
00:12:57 --> 00:12:59 at buymeacoffee.com backslash talk to me
00:12:59 --> 00:13:02 michelle your support keeps the tea hot the
00:13:02 --> 00:13:08 conversation is real and the petty classy so take care of your peace guard your
00:13:08 --> 00:13:11 energy and don't let anybody back into your life just because they said sorry
00:13:11 --> 00:13:16 with a sad eyes all right my good people take care of your peace guard your
00:13:16 --> 00:13:21 energy and don't let anybody back into your life just because they said sorry with sad eyes.
00:13:21 --> 00:13:26 You are the gatekeeper of your peace, so keep the gates locked if you have to.
00:13:26 --> 00:13:30 So until next episode, everybody, I'm out. Peace.
00:13:33 --> 00:13:45 Music.