In this compelling episode of "Talk to Me, Michele," we delve deep into the intricacies of modern relationships. Our letter of the week captures the heartache of feeling overshadowed by a partner's social life, sparking a conversation on setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing connection.
The discussion broadens as we critically examine toxic dynamics in relationships, using both personal experiences and high-profile examples to unmask the disguises of control and manipulation. We explore gaslighting, emotional dependency, and the dangers of isolation, offering listeners essential insights into recognizing and escaping these patterns.
Michele encourages listeners to reclaim their narratives and emphasizes the importance of safety, empowerment, and community support. She underscores the message that love should uplift, not diminish, your sense of self-worth. Tune in for real talk, empathy, and actionable advice.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:26 Music.
00:00:26 --> 00:00:29 Hey, hey, beautiful people. Welcome back to Talk to Me, Michelle.
00:00:30 --> 00:00:36 The space where we laugh, we cry, and we do call folks out. Respectfully. Kind of.
00:00:37 --> 00:00:41 Really depending on the day, okay? So I want you guys to listen up,
00:00:41 --> 00:00:45 and I hope you're sitting down for this one because today's letter of the week
00:00:45 --> 00:00:49 hit me right in the I deserve better section of my soul.
00:00:49 --> 00:00:53 And I'm going to call this one feeling like a housemate, not a partner.
00:00:56 --> 00:01:01 Dear Michelle, I feel a growing disconnect with my living girlfriend.
00:01:01 --> 00:01:05 She spends a lot of her free time with her girlfriends, which often feels like
00:01:05 --> 00:01:07 it takes a priority over us.
00:01:08 --> 00:01:14 Also, our home, which is mine, has become the regular hangout spot for her and
00:01:14 --> 00:01:19 her friends multiple times a week, making it feel less like our space.
00:01:19 --> 00:01:25 I value her friendships, but I miss us prioritizing our time together,
00:01:25 --> 00:01:28 and consistent gatherings at the home are disruptive.
00:01:28 --> 00:01:32 How can I address this without sounding controlling and still communicate my
00:01:32 --> 00:01:37 need for us to reconnect and for our home to feel more like ours again? Mmm.
00:01:38 --> 00:01:39 Well, my brother.
00:01:40 --> 00:01:44 I'm going to unpack this for you. Because you're feeling more like a landlord
00:01:44 --> 00:01:49 of a very popular all-female social club that happens to share your address.
00:01:49 --> 00:01:53 And your live-in partner is the social director.
00:01:53 --> 00:01:57 So I definitely get it. And you're not wrong for feeling like this.
00:01:57 --> 00:02:00 Your home should feel like a sanctuary for both of you guys,
00:02:00 --> 00:02:03 not Grand Central Station for her social life.
00:02:03 --> 00:02:08 And wanting to feel like a priority to your partner, that's not asking for the
00:02:08 --> 00:02:10 moon. That's relationship 101.
00:02:11 --> 00:02:15 Now you definitely need to have a grown-up conversation. And by grown-up,
00:02:15 --> 00:02:19 I mean the one where you use your big boy words to express how you feel without
00:02:19 --> 00:02:21 pointing fingers and making accusations.
00:02:22 --> 00:02:27 Try like, you know, hey, I've been feeling a bit like our time together has
00:02:27 --> 00:02:28 taken the back seat lately.
00:02:28 --> 00:02:34 And the constant get togethers at the house are making it hard for me to relax and for us to connect.
00:02:34 --> 00:02:39 So just pick a calm moment, not when her friends are in mid karaoke in your living room, okay?
00:02:40 --> 00:02:43 Use the I statements instead, because a lot of people, if you come at them differently,
00:02:44 --> 00:02:45 they take it personally.
00:02:45 --> 00:02:48 So just say I I feel this way
00:02:48 --> 00:02:51 it's better than you always do that now about
00:02:51 --> 00:02:56 the girlfriend gatherings it's not about banning them it's about boundaries
00:02:56 --> 00:03:02 maybe suggest a girl's night out at a different location sometimes and you better
00:03:02 --> 00:03:04 than me because I would have been like Martin you know how Martin used to put
00:03:04 --> 00:03:08 folks out of his house you know you don't have to go home but you got to get the hell up out of here,
00:03:09 --> 00:03:14 Or perhaps agree on a certain night or a week or two that are just for the two
00:03:14 --> 00:03:17 of you guys. And no guests are allowed zone, okay?
00:03:17 --> 00:03:21 It's about finding a balance where she gets her social time and you get your
00:03:21 --> 00:03:24 partner time. And your peaceful home back.
00:03:24 --> 00:03:28 I can't have chaos in my house. So I understand wholeheartedly what you're saying.
00:03:29 --> 00:03:33 Don't let this simmer. Little resentments are like slow leaks.
00:03:33 --> 00:03:36 Eventually the whole damn tire goes flat.
00:03:36 --> 00:03:41 Speak up, be honest, and remember. a healthy relationship involves both individuals
00:03:41 --> 00:03:43 feeling valued and heard.
00:03:45 --> 00:03:48 Now, today's episode is not your usual sassy rant.
00:03:48 --> 00:03:54 We're taking a real look at a serious topic, love, control, and being manipulated,
00:03:54 --> 00:03:57 when relationships actually turn toxic.
00:03:57 --> 00:04:02 And yes, we're touching on a very public and very messy allegation surrounding
00:04:02 --> 00:04:07 Sean Diddy Combs. Now, everything I say today is based on public reports,
00:04:07 --> 00:04:10 allegations, and real-life experiences.
00:04:10 --> 00:04:14 Mine, yours, and some that sound a little too familiar.
00:04:14 --> 00:04:19 So no, I'm not a judge. I'm not a lawyer. I am just a woman with a microphone
00:04:19 --> 00:04:21 and a whole lot of thoughts.
00:04:21 --> 00:04:26 That being said, if you've ever felt trapped, silenced, emotionally exhausted
00:04:26 --> 00:04:29 in a relationship, I want you to know one thing.
00:04:29 --> 00:04:32 Love should never make you feel small, scared, or stuck.
00:04:33 --> 00:04:37 Period. If you relate to anything in this episode, please reach out.
00:04:37 --> 00:04:40 There is help and you don't have to figure it out alone.
00:04:40 --> 00:04:47 The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE, 7233,
00:04:47 --> 00:04:51 or just text START to 88788.
00:04:52 --> 00:04:56 You deserve peace and you deserve better. Now let's get into it.
00:04:56 --> 00:05:00 So let's talk about something that looks real cute on the outside,
00:05:00 --> 00:05:03 but is right into the core in the middle.
00:05:03 --> 00:05:07 Not the Janet Jackson kind, that you can't breathe without me kind.
00:05:07 --> 00:05:10 The kind where you think you're in love.
00:05:10 --> 00:05:12 But really, are you really in love?
00:05:13 --> 00:05:16 You're just on a very well-decorated leash.
00:05:16 --> 00:05:22 Okay, sounds familiar? Now, let's be grown about it. We've all seen those relationships
00:05:22 --> 00:05:23 that look like a music video.
00:05:24 --> 00:05:29 Designer bags, yachts, champagne, and smiling Instagram posts.
00:05:30 --> 00:05:35 But behind that couple goes glow is usually a woman wondering if she's allowed
00:05:35 --> 00:05:39 to check her own phone or to wear that outfit that he doesn't like.
00:05:39 --> 00:05:43 Now, in the Diddy case, some of the allegations involve things like financial
00:05:43 --> 00:05:45 control, where a man pays for everything.
00:05:45 --> 00:05:49 But it's not out of love. It's out of leverage.
00:05:49 --> 00:05:55 He's not being generous. He's buying your silence. He's buying access.
00:05:56 --> 00:06:00 He's buying the right to say, you wouldn't have this without me.
00:06:00 --> 00:06:03 And the audacity, that's tax-free.
00:06:04 --> 00:06:08 Then there's the emotional dependency, where he breaks you down just enough
00:06:08 --> 00:06:12 to make sure you can't move without him. You forget how to say no.
00:06:12 --> 00:06:17 You start doubting yourself. You apologize for having boundaries like it's a crime.
00:06:18 --> 00:06:21 And to the outside world, you're lucky to have him.
00:06:21 --> 00:06:26 Child, if luck looks like walking on eggshells, count me out.
00:06:27 --> 00:06:28 And also there's isolation.
00:06:29 --> 00:06:33 And this one's sneaky because it doesn't always come with chains or locks.
00:06:33 --> 00:06:39 It's a disguise. Sometimes it's a disguise as, I don't like your friends. They're jealous.
00:06:39 --> 00:06:43 Your family don't understand us. You don't need to work. I got you.
00:06:43 --> 00:06:48 Until the day you realize you haven't seen a soul in weeks. You're crying in
00:06:48 --> 00:06:52 the closet because you posted a selfie he didn't approve of.
00:06:52 --> 00:06:57 And that is not love. That's possession with a little Gucci trim on it.
00:06:57 --> 00:07:03 And here's the part that really burns. These behaviors are often masked as protection.
00:07:03 --> 00:07:08 He's not controlling. He's just worried about you. And he's not isolating you.
00:07:08 --> 00:07:11 He's just looking out for your best interest.
00:07:11 --> 00:07:15 He doesn't want you to have your own money because he's the provider.
00:07:16 --> 00:07:21 Meanwhile, you're 37 years old asking, can you go to a brunch?
00:07:21 --> 00:07:26 Let me be crystal clear. if it feels like you need permission to be yourself
00:07:26 --> 00:07:32 you're not in love you're in a controlled environment and you can't grow in a damn cage.
00:07:33 --> 00:07:38 Ladies, emotional abuse doesn't come with bruises. It comes with confusion,
00:07:38 --> 00:07:44 anxiety, shame, that consistent sick feeling like you've done something wrong,
00:07:44 --> 00:07:45 even though you haven't.
00:07:46 --> 00:07:49 If any of this sounds familiar, I'm not here to judge you.
00:07:49 --> 00:07:54 I'm here to hold up the mirror, a gentle mirror, a loving mirror,
00:07:54 --> 00:07:57 but it's going to be a very firm look in the mirror.
00:07:57 --> 00:08:02 And this applies to me, too. I'm not chastising nobody because all these symptoms,
00:08:02 --> 00:08:04 I've experienced them myself.
00:08:05 --> 00:08:09 All right, now let's slide right into the part of toxic love that will have
00:08:09 --> 00:08:12 you question if two and two still equals four.
00:08:12 --> 00:08:18 Welcome to the Gaslight District. And spoiler alert, there are no streetlights here.
00:08:18 --> 00:08:22 Let's define it real quick for the folks in the back or maybe the women listening
00:08:22 --> 00:08:26 who have been gaslit so hard they don't even realize it's happening.
00:08:27 --> 00:08:31 Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own reality.
00:08:31 --> 00:08:36 You say, hey, that hurt me. And they respond with, you're too sensitive.
00:08:37 --> 00:08:40 That never happened. You always make things up.
00:08:40 --> 00:08:46 You're crazy. You know, the greatest hits of toxic men with fragile egos.
00:08:47 --> 00:08:52 Now, when it comes to the Diddy case, again, allegedly, allegedly,
00:08:52 --> 00:08:55 there are whispers of this kind of behavior.
00:08:56 --> 00:09:01 Publicly, it's black excellence, champagne toast, and take that,
00:09:01 --> 00:09:01 take that kind of energy.
00:09:02 --> 00:09:07 But behind closed doors, some reports say that there was a pattern of contradiction,
00:09:07 --> 00:09:13 like a man preaching empowerment, but allegedly stripping someone else of their power.
00:09:13 --> 00:09:18 And this is how gaslighting works. You start off confident, loud, and self-assured.
00:09:19 --> 00:09:22 And before you know it, you are whispering, second-guessing,
00:09:23 --> 00:09:25 apologizing for your own instincts.
00:09:26 --> 00:09:29 You're in the mirror like, wait, am I tripping?
00:09:30 --> 00:09:35 Did I really overreact? Maybe it was my fault. No, you weren't tripping.
00:09:35 --> 00:09:37 You just got played by a pro.
00:09:38 --> 00:09:41 Gaslighting doesn't just mess with your head. It wrecks your self-worth.
00:09:42 --> 00:09:47 You actually stop trusting yourself. You start thinking, maybe if I love them
00:09:47 --> 00:09:52 just a little bit harder, he'll go back to being the sweet guy he was in the beginning.
00:09:52 --> 00:09:58 And this is a spoiler alert. That sweet guy was probably the audition. That was it.
00:09:59 --> 00:10:02 Now that he got you, you are living with the real character.
00:10:02 --> 00:10:04 And he doesn't need a script to make you feel small.
00:10:05 --> 00:10:12 The worst part, it's not loud abuse. It's very subtle. It creeps in like a slow leak under the floor.
00:10:13 --> 00:10:18 And by the time you realize what's going on, your entire foundation is soaked in self-doubt.
00:10:18 --> 00:10:23 And for the women who feel stuck, I do get it. I get it. Because when someone
00:10:23 --> 00:10:26 breaks you mentally, they don't need to lock the door.
00:10:27 --> 00:10:32 You'll stay because you've been convinced that you can't leave or that nobody's
00:10:32 --> 00:10:35 going to believe you or that you're just lucky someone loves you at all.
00:10:36 --> 00:10:37 And I'm going to say this loud and
00:10:37 --> 00:10:41 clear. You're not crazy. you're not overreacting, and you're not alone.
00:10:41 --> 00:10:46 If someone is consistently rewriting your reality, it is time to pick up your
00:10:46 --> 00:10:48 pen and start your own damn story.
00:10:48 --> 00:10:52 And this time, you're the main character and the director.
00:10:53 --> 00:10:56 The gas lights are off. Flip the switch back on.
00:10:56 --> 00:11:00 So here we are at the part of the conversation where everybody and they mama
00:11:00 --> 00:11:02 turns into a relationship expert overnight.
00:11:03 --> 00:11:07 Okay, they're on social media saying stuff like, well, if it wasn't that bad,
00:11:07 --> 00:11:08 why didn't she just leave.
00:11:09 --> 00:11:13 And if ignorance was a currency, some of y'all would be billionaires.
00:11:14 --> 00:11:20 Okay, rolling money. But I'm gonna unpack this tired, lazy question about why didn't she leave.
00:11:21 --> 00:11:25 Because it isn't that simple. You don't just wake up and throw a toxic relationship
00:11:25 --> 00:11:27 into a carry-on bag and Uber yourself to freedom.
00:11:29 --> 00:11:32 Let's start with the first one, and it's a big one. Fear.
00:11:32 --> 00:11:36 Sometimes a woman knows if she leaves, it could escalate.
00:11:37 --> 00:11:41 There's threats, retaliation, and violence. And not just to her,
00:11:41 --> 00:11:44 but her family, her kids, her career.
00:11:44 --> 00:11:48 You think she's choosing to stay? No, she's choosing to survive.
00:11:49 --> 00:11:55 Then there's love, the emotional trickster. Because the abuse sometimes doesn't start on day one.
00:11:56 --> 00:12:00 It usually starts after he's bought you dinner, helped you move,
00:12:00 --> 00:12:04 met your mama, and whispered that nobody else will love you like he does.
00:12:04 --> 00:12:08 Which is technically true, because healthy love doesn't hurt like this.
00:12:08 --> 00:12:13 But when you're wrapped in a trauma bond, it's like drinking poison and hoping he'll die from it.
00:12:14 --> 00:12:16 Now add in the financial dependency.
00:12:17 --> 00:12:22 She might be living in a penthouse, but she can't buy a sandwich without asking.
00:12:22 --> 00:12:27 And maybe she's a stay-at-home mom. Or she could have gave up her dream to support his.
00:12:28 --> 00:12:32 And now, she can't even leave without borrowing money from the cousin that she
00:12:32 --> 00:12:33 ain't talked to since 2016.
00:12:34 --> 00:12:37 Let's not act like public judgment doesn't play a role.
00:12:38 --> 00:12:43 Everybody got an opinion, especially when it's a famous woman or a power couple.
00:12:43 --> 00:12:47 The same folks saying leave him are the first ones to say she clout chasing
00:12:47 --> 00:12:50 the minute she speaks up. So you can't win for losing.
00:12:51 --> 00:12:53 The reality is fame makes it
00:12:53 --> 00:12:57 worse. The more you are in the public spotlight, it just makes it worse.
00:12:58 --> 00:13:02 You're not just leaving a man, you're leaving an image, a brand, a lifestyle.
00:13:02 --> 00:13:08 You're risking becoming a meme. You know what I mean? A trending topic in the comment section.
00:13:09 --> 00:13:12 People are out here choosing silence not because they're weak,
00:13:12 --> 00:13:17 but because they know what happens when the world turns on you and you still got to heal in public.
00:13:17 --> 00:13:21 Let me keep it all the way real. Women don't stay because they're stupid.
00:13:21 --> 00:13:25 They stay because leaving is sometimes more dangerous than staying.
00:13:26 --> 00:13:30 Emotionally, financially, and physically. And the rest of us,
00:13:30 --> 00:13:34 we need to stop with the judgment and start offering support without the side eye.
00:13:34 --> 00:13:38 If you've been there, if you're there now, you gotta know this.
00:13:38 --> 00:13:43 There is no shame in surviving. And there is strength in leaving,
00:13:43 --> 00:13:45 but when it's safe and right for you.
00:13:48 --> 00:13:53 If you are still with me, congratulations. You just made it through a conversation
00:13:53 --> 00:13:57 that most folks avoid like a family group text during the holidays.
00:13:57 --> 00:14:02 But seriously, let me leave you with this. You are not broken. You are not stupid.
00:14:02 --> 00:14:07 You are not alone. Whether you're still in a toxic relationship or you just
00:14:07 --> 00:14:11 crawled out of one, dragging your piece and your edges behind you,
00:14:11 --> 00:14:13 you're here. You're healing and that matters.
00:14:14 --> 00:14:17 Let me give you a few affirmations to tuck into your emotional bra.
00:14:18 --> 00:14:21 I am worthy of a love that doesn't confuse or bruise me.
00:14:22 --> 00:14:26 My voice matters, even when someone else tries to silence it.
00:14:27 --> 00:14:30 Leaving isn't weakness, it's self-respecting emotion.
00:14:31 --> 00:14:35 I will not dim my light just to make someone else feel big in the dark.
00:14:36 --> 00:14:40 Now, for those of you all who need more than affirmations, and listen,
00:14:40 --> 00:14:41 there's no shame in that.
00:14:42 --> 00:14:48 Get some real help. So here are some real resources that don't play about your safety or your sanity.
00:14:48 --> 00:14:55 Again, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE-7233.
00:14:55 --> 00:15:01 Use therapy apps like BetterHelp, Talkspace, or even find free local mental
00:15:01 --> 00:15:04 health clinics. They are around you, so use them.
00:15:05 --> 00:15:09 Support groups that are in your city, your church. You can even go online and
00:15:09 --> 00:15:11 find some communities of survivors.
00:15:11 --> 00:15:15 You're never too strong or too smart to need help. Let that pride go.
00:15:15 --> 00:15:18 And remember this, love should never hurt.
00:15:18 --> 00:15:22 Love should never isolate and love should never make you question your own worth.
00:15:22 --> 00:15:25 If it does, it's not love.
00:15:25 --> 00:15:28 It's control wrapped in a pretty Instagram filter.
00:15:28 --> 00:15:32 Now, before I let you go and you forget everything I just said because TikTok
00:15:32 --> 00:15:35 distracted you, Make sure you subscribe to the podcast.
00:15:35 --> 00:15:40 You can email me your stories, advice or questions or just messy topics you
00:15:40 --> 00:15:44 want me to unpack at talktomemichelle at gmail.com.
00:15:44 --> 00:15:49 Also visit the MBG podcast network where we are continuing to spread black excellence
00:15:49 --> 00:15:55 and you can support this podcast at buymeacoffee.com backslash talktomemichelle
00:15:55 --> 00:15:58 because therapy and wine are very expensive.
00:15:58 --> 00:16:03 And follow me on all social media instagram facebook tiktok youtube talk to
00:16:03 --> 00:16:09 me michelle on everything so until next time keep your standards high your heels
00:16:09 --> 00:16:12 higher and your peace protected i'm out peace.
00:16:13 --> 00:16:26 Music.