Join Michele in this candid episode of "Talk to Me, Michele," where she dives deep into the complexities of friendships and loyalty. With her signature sass and soul, Michele tackles the challenging topic of people flipping the script and playing victim when you finally speak your truth. Listen as she reads a heartfelt letter from a listener grappling with the suspicion of a friend's secret life and offers her thoughtful perspective.
Michele further opens up about her personal experiences with emotional investment, loyalty, and disappointment, sharing valuable insights into identifying 'energy vampires' and the importance of setting emotional boundaries. This episode serves as a powerful reminder to protect your peace and recognize your worth, as Michele encourages listeners to prioritize self-care and authentic connections in a world full of mixed signals and emotional yang games.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:25 Music.
00:00:25 --> 00:00:30 Hey, hey, it's your girl, Michelle. Welcome in and back to another episode of
00:00:30 --> 00:00:33 Talk to Me, Michelle, the place where we keep it all the way real,
00:00:33 --> 00:00:36 a little sass, a little soul, and a whole lot of sense.
00:00:37 --> 00:00:42 Now, before I get into today's topic about people flipping the script and playing
00:00:42 --> 00:00:46 victim, when you finally speak your truth, I got to read something for you guys.
00:00:47 --> 00:00:51 And this week's Dear Michelle letter hit me right in the feels and a little
00:00:51 --> 00:00:55 bit in the neck. So buckle up because this is going to be a roller coaster of
00:00:55 --> 00:00:58 a friendship where we got secrets, a woman trying to mind her business,
00:00:59 --> 00:01:01 but also caring too damn much.
00:01:05 --> 00:01:10 Dear Michelle, I am a longtime listener and always appreciate your insightful advice.
00:01:10 --> 00:01:14 So I'm hoping you can offer some perspective on a situation I'm finding myself
00:01:14 --> 00:01:17 in with a close male friend of mine. Let's call him Mark.
00:01:17 --> 00:01:23 Mark and I have been friends for about five years. We met through work and have become quite close.
00:01:23 --> 00:01:28 We talk regularly, hang out occasionally, and generally have a supportive friendship.
00:01:28 --> 00:01:32 However, lately I've started to suspect he might be living a double life or
00:01:32 --> 00:01:36 at least not being entirely honest about a significant part of who he is.
00:01:37 --> 00:01:41 I've never seen Mark with a woman, ever. He talks about work,
00:01:41 --> 00:01:46 his hobbies, and general life things, but romantic relationships are never mentioned.
00:01:46 --> 00:01:51 When the topic has come up indirectly in group settings, he's always very vague
00:01:51 --> 00:01:52 or quickly changes the subject.
00:01:53 --> 00:01:58 More recently, there have been a few little things that have made me wonder even more.
00:01:58 --> 00:02:02 I once saw a message pop up on his phone that seemed to be from another man
00:02:02 --> 00:02:04 using quite affectionate language.
00:02:04 --> 00:02:09 When I jokingly asked who it was, he got very flustered and said it was just a colleague.
00:02:09 --> 00:02:15 Another time, I noticed he was following several prominent LGBTQ and figures
00:02:15 --> 00:02:22 on social media, which itself isn't unusual, but coupled with everything else, it made me think.
00:02:22 --> 00:02:26 The biggest red flag, though, was a few months ago. Some mutual friends and
00:02:26 --> 00:02:29 I were chatting and someone made a comment about Mark being gay.
00:02:29 --> 00:02:34 He was present and immediately shut down, quite forcefully, saying something
00:02:34 --> 00:02:35 along the lines of, That's ridiculous.
00:02:36 --> 00:02:39 Don't be stupid. it, it felt like an over-exaggeration.
00:02:40 --> 00:02:44 Michelle, I care about Mark a lot. I want him to be happy and authentic.
00:02:44 --> 00:02:50 I can't shake the feeling that he might be gay, but isn't ready or able to open up about it.
00:02:50 --> 00:02:55 I am not trying to out him, and I respect his privacy, but it's hard to ignore these signs.
00:02:55 --> 00:02:59 My question is, what do I do? Do I say anything?
00:02:59 --> 00:03:05 Do I just let it be? I worry about him if he's feeling like he has to hide part of himself.
00:03:05 --> 00:03:09 At the same time, I don't want to push him or make him uncomfortable.".
00:03:09 --> 00:03:13 First off, thank you for trusting me with this. I mean, it's a lot.
00:03:14 --> 00:03:18 It really is. Now, I want you to understand this is not about playing detective
00:03:18 --> 00:03:19 in your friend's personal life.
00:03:19 --> 00:03:23 But I also understand being close to someone and feeling like something's off.
00:03:24 --> 00:03:27 You're not trying to out anybody. I hear that, okay?
00:03:27 --> 00:03:31 But you're trying to love your friend without pretending like there isn't an
00:03:31 --> 00:03:33 elephant in the room doing backflips.
00:03:33 --> 00:03:38 So if Mark is gay or just deeply private, that's his truth to tell.
00:03:39 --> 00:03:43 When and if he's ready. But is it okay for you to feel so conflicted,
00:03:43 --> 00:03:47 especially when someone you care about is so guarded and shutting down over
00:03:47 --> 00:03:49 and over again? That's hard to watch.
00:03:50 --> 00:03:54 But real friendship. This has to feel like a safe space on both sides.
00:03:55 --> 00:03:57 You don't need to ask Mark what team he plays for.
00:03:58 --> 00:04:03 What you can do is remind him in your actions and your words that whoever he
00:04:03 --> 00:04:09 is, however he lives, he's got you. No judgment, no pressure, just love.
00:04:09 --> 00:04:14 So look, let your friend be. When he's ready to, you know, make any public announcements,
00:04:14 --> 00:04:17 I'm sure you will be in the room when the announcement is made.
00:04:18 --> 00:04:22 So don't be concerning yourself with stuff that he's really not ready to bring to the table.
00:04:22 --> 00:04:26 So that's going to be my advice on that letter. If you guys have a situation
00:04:26 --> 00:04:32 you want me to address or a topic suggestion, drop me those emails at talktomemichelle at gmail.com.
00:04:33 --> 00:04:37 Now, speaking of people we care about, Let me tell y'all something that happened to me recently.
00:04:38 --> 00:04:43 I found out that someone I swore was in my corner wasn't even in the damn stadium.
00:04:43 --> 00:04:48 I thought they had my back. Turns out they barely saw me at all.
00:04:48 --> 00:04:53 And when I found this out, it really hurt me. But it taught me something as well.
00:04:53 --> 00:04:58 Sometimes we love folks harder than they ever plan to love us.
00:04:58 --> 00:05:02 So today's episode is all about loyalty, disappointment, emotional investment,
00:05:02 --> 00:05:08 and that painful but freeing clarity that comes when you realize you've been
00:05:08 --> 00:05:11 giving your all to somebody who didn't even deserve a text back.
00:05:12 --> 00:05:16 I'm going to talk about energy vampires, people who flip the script to dodge
00:05:16 --> 00:05:18 accountability, and why.
00:05:18 --> 00:05:22 When you're going through hell, some of these ride-or-dies vanish faster than
00:05:22 --> 00:05:24 support for decent education in America.
00:05:24 --> 00:05:28 Now, let me tell you about this moment I recently had that just snatched my
00:05:28 --> 00:05:32 soul out of nowhere. And it really hit me with a sense of reality.
00:05:33 --> 00:05:34 And listen, this ain't even tea.
00:05:35 --> 00:05:38 This is just a whole buffet of truth, okay?
00:05:38 --> 00:05:41 So I was going through a very, very stressful situation.
00:05:42 --> 00:05:45 And I'm not talking about the, oh, I broke a nail kind of stress.
00:05:45 --> 00:05:49 I'm talking about the kind of stress that shows up in your body before your
00:05:49 --> 00:05:50 mouth even knows what to say.
00:05:51 --> 00:05:56 I mean, my stomach was doing backflips. My head was pounding. I couldn't sleep.
00:05:56 --> 00:06:00 It was rough. And I'll share more details with y'all at another time.
00:06:00 --> 00:06:02 But just know it was heavy.
00:06:02 --> 00:06:06 Now, there was someone in the loop. They were not in the sidelines.
00:06:06 --> 00:06:09 They were not sitting on the bench. They were in the damn game.
00:06:09 --> 00:06:11 They knew what was going on.
00:06:11 --> 00:06:14 So when things finally came to a head, my little season finale,
00:06:15 --> 00:06:18 so to speak, you would think they would check in to see how I was holding up.
00:06:19 --> 00:06:22 Crickets. Ghosted like rent was due.
00:06:23 --> 00:06:28 So I did what grown folks should be able to do. I reached out and told them I was hurt.
00:06:28 --> 00:06:32 Not yelling, not throwing shade, just expressing myself like a whole adult.
00:06:32 --> 00:06:34 And do you know what this person said to me?
00:06:34 --> 00:06:37 Well, I saw your Facebook post and figured you were good.
00:06:38 --> 00:06:43 Excuse me? So that means you would rather get updates about me from Facebook.
00:06:44 --> 00:06:48 Facebook. Instead of picking up the phone like a person who actually cares.
00:06:48 --> 00:06:54 So my healing journey has come with a status update now okay that's what we're
00:06:54 --> 00:06:59 doing and that's how we're doing things in society and it's sad like people
00:06:59 --> 00:07:02 don't personally check on you anymore they look to see what you're posting instead.
00:07:03 --> 00:07:08 And just when you think it can't get any worse, here comes flipping the script.
00:07:09 --> 00:07:12 Suddenly, I'm the villain. I'm too sensitive, too controlling.
00:07:13 --> 00:07:16 I was irritated, blah, blah, blah. What?
00:07:17 --> 00:07:21 So you mean to tell me you dropped the ball and now I'm the problem because
00:07:21 --> 00:07:23 I had the nerve to notice?
00:07:23 --> 00:07:28 And let me be real honest. It took everything in me not to respond with,
00:07:28 --> 00:07:30 let me talk to you like I don't know you.
00:07:30 --> 00:07:33 It really did because the disrespect was real.
00:07:33 --> 00:07:36 And that's when it really hit me, clear as day.
00:07:37 --> 00:07:42 This person does not care at all. And that's also when it clicked that I have
00:07:42 --> 00:07:44 them up on a pedestal they never earned.
00:07:45 --> 00:07:49 I made them a VIP in my life when they barely qualified for general admission.
00:07:50 --> 00:07:52 We confuse proximity with loyalty.
00:07:53 --> 00:07:56 Just because someone's close by doesn't mean they're close to you.
00:07:56 --> 00:08:00 And that hurts. But it's also freeing because once you know the truth,
00:08:01 --> 00:08:02 You stop begging people to show up
00:08:02 --> 00:08:06 who were never planning to in the first place. And let me just say this.
00:08:07 --> 00:08:11 Expressing your emotions does not make you too much. It makes you real.
00:08:11 --> 00:08:15 But folks who lack accountability will always label your honesty as an attack.
00:08:16 --> 00:08:20 Especially when they don't want to put in the work to be a better person.
00:08:20 --> 00:08:24 Now I'm going to get to these energy vampires. And y'all know what I'm talking about.
00:08:24 --> 00:08:28 These are the folks that don't suck blood. But they will suck the life out of your spirit.
00:08:29 --> 00:08:33 You ever hang up the phone and leave a conversation with somebody and feel exhausted?
00:08:33 --> 00:08:37 Like you just ran a dozen emotional laps?
00:08:37 --> 00:08:41 That's the energy vampire I'm talking about. And guess what?
00:08:41 --> 00:08:45 They usually don't even realize how draining they are. And what's even worse,
00:08:45 --> 00:08:48 they do. And they just don't care.
00:08:48 --> 00:08:53 Energy vampires are people who take and take and take. But when it's your turn
00:08:53 --> 00:08:56 to need a little love, a little support, a little damn text back,
00:08:56 --> 00:09:01 they vanish. They're emotionally overdrawn and still swiping like they got credit.
00:09:02 --> 00:09:06 And Lord help you if you were ever trying to speak up about how you really feel.
00:09:06 --> 00:09:10 Because that's when the drama comes in. The flip the script.
00:09:10 --> 00:09:17 They will rewrite the whole movie. You could say I felt abandoned when you didn't check on me.
00:09:17 --> 00:09:20 And suddenly as well, you don't understand how busy I've been.
00:09:21 --> 00:09:24 My job, my dog, the mercury and the retrograde.
00:09:25 --> 00:09:29 Like y'all stop with damn excuses. We are grown. Pick up the phone.
00:09:30 --> 00:09:31 And let's not forget about the gaslighting.
00:09:32 --> 00:09:37 That's their favorite hobby. You're just trying to say, hey, what you did hurt me.
00:09:37 --> 00:09:41 And they respond with, you're too sensitive. You always want to argue.
00:09:41 --> 00:09:43 Or you're just looking for something to be mad about.
00:09:43 --> 00:09:45 Like, no, I'm looking for some accountability.
00:09:46 --> 00:09:49 Do you even have that in your DNA?
00:09:49 --> 00:09:54 And listen, when you are at your lowest, you can't expect much from people.
00:09:54 --> 00:10:00 Because people will hit the Houdini, poof, gone act. And it's always when you need them the most.
00:10:01 --> 00:10:05 They're like a training bra for Dolly Parton, pretty much. There's no damn support.
00:10:05 --> 00:10:10 You can be there for them through breakups, job losses, medical issues,
00:10:10 --> 00:10:14 flat tires, emotional spirals, and a busted eyelash.
00:10:14 --> 00:10:16 And they'll have amnesia when it's your turn.
00:10:17 --> 00:10:19 You'll be out here emotionally bleeding, and they'll be like,
00:10:20 --> 00:10:21 well, I didn't know it was that serious.
00:10:22 --> 00:10:28 It's my life. This is my life, not a Netflix series you can pause and come back to later.
00:10:29 --> 00:10:33 But the worst part is, you keep hoping they'll show up differently.
00:10:34 --> 00:10:37 You remember the good times, you remember the laughs, you try to give grace.
00:10:37 --> 00:10:40 But at some point, grace turns into enabling.
00:10:40 --> 00:10:43 And that's when you've got to pull the plug on the energy socket they're draining.
00:10:44 --> 00:10:47 And I'm going to tell you something real. People who love you don't disappear
00:10:47 --> 00:10:48 on you when things get heavy.
00:10:49 --> 00:10:53 They lean in, they check in, they show up. If someone's presence in your life
00:10:53 --> 00:11:00 leaves you feeling unseen, unheard, or unimportant, it's time to let them run
00:11:00 --> 00:11:02 in the wild. Just let them go.
00:11:03 --> 00:11:05 Now, I want to talk about loyalty real quick because a lot of people like to
00:11:05 --> 00:11:10 put emphasis on loyalty because some of y'all are out here riding for folks
00:11:10 --> 00:11:13 who wouldn't even walk for you, let alone crawl.
00:11:14 --> 00:11:19 I used to think loyalty was a badge of honor. Like, look at me being a good friend, a ride or die.
00:11:20 --> 00:11:24 But sometimes you ride so hard for folks, you don't realize the car's only got
00:11:24 --> 00:11:26 your name on the insurance.
00:11:27 --> 00:11:31 And they're over there with their feet on the dashboard, not putting no gas
00:11:31 --> 00:11:36 in the tank, not even saying thank you for the ride, just riding you into emotional bankruptcy.
00:11:37 --> 00:11:41 There comes a point where you got to admit, some of these people you're loyal
00:11:41 --> 00:11:43 to don't even like you like that.
00:11:43 --> 00:11:48 And I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but you can't chase clarity and hold
00:11:48 --> 00:11:50 on to delusion at the same time.
00:11:50 --> 00:11:55 I've been there, you know, vulnerable, open, giving people my raw self-thinking.
00:11:55 --> 00:11:59 We were building something real, right? Where did I get in return?
00:12:00 --> 00:12:03 Ego, silence, sometimes even straight up sabotage.
00:12:04 --> 00:12:08 Like, how do you go from being my safe space to being the one passing out the
00:12:08 --> 00:12:10 emotional paper cuts on my back?
00:12:10 --> 00:12:14 But here's how you know when you are over-investing in the wrong people.
00:12:15 --> 00:12:17 First of all, you're always the first one reaching out.
00:12:18 --> 00:12:22 Always reaching out. And you also keep over-explaining yourself.
00:12:23 --> 00:12:27 Explaining basic respect to grown adults, that's a lost cause.
00:12:27 --> 00:12:30 If they don't know by now, they will never get it.
00:12:30 --> 00:12:35 You leave conversations feeling drained, confused, or like you just got gaslit
00:12:35 --> 00:12:37 by somebody who can't even spell accountability.
00:12:38 --> 00:12:43 And worst of all, you're ignoring your own peace, trying to maintain a connection
00:12:43 --> 00:12:49 that God, the universe, and your therapist have been telling you to let go. Let it go, please.
00:12:50 --> 00:12:52 Sometimes your loyalty ain't even loyalty. It's just fear.
00:12:53 --> 00:12:58 Fear of being alone and fear of change and fear of letting go of the history.
00:12:58 --> 00:13:02 But memories don't make relationships. Effort does.
00:13:02 --> 00:13:07 I had to learn this the hard way. Stop being loyal to people who are only loyal
00:13:07 --> 00:13:09 to their own convenience.
00:13:09 --> 00:13:14 If your love language is showing up and theirs is showing out, that's not matching.
00:13:14 --> 00:13:17 That's a mismatch made in hell, okay?
00:13:18 --> 00:13:23 You are not required to keep proving your worth to people who keep showing you they don't value it.
00:13:24 --> 00:13:29 That ain't loyalty. That's spiritual self-harm. And we ain't doing that no more.
00:13:30 --> 00:13:35 Listen, I'm at that beautiful point in life where I don't lose sleep over cutting ties. I lose stress.
00:13:36 --> 00:13:40 I don't ghost folks. I just fade in the black like the credits on a movie I
00:13:40 --> 00:13:42 am no longer starring in.
00:13:42 --> 00:13:46 Now, if someone does too much, you know what I mean, the disrespectful,
00:13:46 --> 00:13:51 drama-filled, lying-for-no-reason type of energy, that's the block ministry
00:13:51 --> 00:13:53 situation, okay? The blockity-block button.
00:13:53 --> 00:13:59 You have been removed from the chat, the group chat, my chat, the Wi-Fi, everything.
00:14:00 --> 00:14:04 You don't even get buffering privileges at this point. But for the drifters,
00:14:04 --> 00:14:09 the flaky, shady, passive-aggressive ones, I grant them a courtside seat.
00:14:09 --> 00:14:14 Watch all you want to. You can lurk, leer, refresh your screen,
00:14:14 --> 00:14:17 try to read between the lines of my peace-filled posts.
00:14:17 --> 00:14:22 I ain't got time to post about you, okay? I'm too busy living life without you.
00:14:23 --> 00:14:27 And I love when the guilty conscience starts kicking in. And you guys know the one.
00:14:27 --> 00:14:33 What is the post about me? Yo, if the shoe fits, then lace it up and moonwalk in it.
00:14:33 --> 00:14:37 Hell, add sparkly socks to it while you're at it. It's not bitterness.
00:14:37 --> 00:14:39 I don't carry grudges. I carry lessons.
00:14:40 --> 00:14:42 It's self-preservation, plain and simple.
00:14:43 --> 00:14:47 I've tried being proactive. I've tried having conversations,
00:14:47 --> 00:14:49 setting boundaries, being grown.
00:14:49 --> 00:14:52 But some folks don't want growth. They want access.
00:14:52 --> 00:14:57 They want you to be soft and available and apologizing to them for something
00:14:57 --> 00:15:00 you didn't do. And that era is over.
00:15:01 --> 00:15:03 Here's the thing. People will
00:15:03 --> 00:15:07 test you. They will dip their toe in your piece like it's a kiddie pool.
00:15:08 --> 00:15:11 And when you point to the sign that says no lifeguard on duty,
00:15:11 --> 00:15:15 enter at your own risk, they still act surprised when they start drowning in their own bullshit.
00:15:16 --> 00:15:19 This is your reminder to rebuild your boundaries like you're protecting Beyonce's
00:15:19 --> 00:15:23 rehearsal space. OK, it's strictly invite only.
00:15:23 --> 00:15:26 Your energy is not for discount distribution.
00:15:26 --> 00:15:31 Stop over-explaining and stop apologizing for having standards and start saying,
00:15:31 --> 00:15:33 that's not going to work for me no more. Period.
00:15:34 --> 00:15:38 Cutting ties isn't cruel. It's necessary. And the peace you feel,
00:15:38 --> 00:15:43 it's better than any closure you were ever waiting on. And let me tell you something.
00:15:44 --> 00:15:48 Healing ain't always wrapped up in a cozy blanket with soft music playing in the background.
00:15:48 --> 00:15:50 Sometimes healing shows up
00:15:50 --> 00:15:55 with messy hair, a side eye, and a voice that says, this is not working.
00:15:56 --> 00:15:59 It's time to let it go. And it is hurtful. It really is.
00:15:59 --> 00:16:04 Because realizing someone you were loyal to, who you thought had your back,
00:16:04 --> 00:16:08 didn't have your name in the emergency contact list of their life.
00:16:08 --> 00:16:13 That's a gut punch. But you also have to realize that healing requires truth.
00:16:13 --> 00:16:17 And the truth ain't always cute. But it's always necessary.
00:16:18 --> 00:16:21 Now, a quick recap for the folks in the back with selective hearing.
00:16:22 --> 00:16:25 Loyalty without reposity. It's a liability.
00:16:25 --> 00:16:30 People who drain you and disappear when you're in a crisis are energy vampires.
00:16:30 --> 00:16:31 So go ahead and grab the garlic.
00:16:33 --> 00:16:38 Flipping the script instead of owning their mess. Gaslighters are not grown folks.
00:16:38 --> 00:16:44 You're not crazy for wanting basic decency. You're not too sensitive for expecting follow through.
00:16:44 --> 00:16:48 And you're not mean for finally saying enough is enough.
00:16:49 --> 00:16:54 It's okay to outgrow people. Yes, even the ones you shared fries and family secrets with.
00:16:54 --> 00:16:58 It's okay to protect your peace like it's your last good edge control.
00:16:58 --> 00:17:02 And it's absolutely okay to stop watering fake plants.
00:17:03 --> 00:17:06 Ain't nothing blooming there, but your frustration.
00:17:07 --> 00:17:12 Growth ain't always graceful, but it's powerful. And every time you choose you,
00:17:12 --> 00:17:14 you are choosing peace, power, and progress.
00:17:15 --> 00:17:20 So I hope that you guys take this lesson to heart. And as I'm recording this,
00:17:20 --> 00:17:23 the person I was referring to is texting me right now.
00:17:28 --> 00:17:31 Oh my God. Oh, my God.
00:17:32 --> 00:17:35 I'm not going to do a follow-up on this one because this is it.
00:17:35 --> 00:17:39 But I hope you guys had some good laughs, got some gems out this episode.
00:17:39 --> 00:17:44 So if you have not subscribed, please do so right now. Forward me to a friend.
00:17:45 --> 00:17:49 Leave me a glorious podcast review wherever you listen to your podcast.
00:17:49 --> 00:17:55 And make sure you check out the MBG Podcast Network, continuing to spread black excellence.
00:17:55 --> 00:18:00 And if you want to support this podcast please visit buymeacoffee.com backslash
00:18:00 --> 00:18:05 talktomemichelle this is where we get the support the content keeps coming and
00:18:05 --> 00:18:09 I really really appreciate it okay make sure you follow me on all social media
00:18:09 --> 00:18:15 at talktomemichelle so until next episode I will see you guys next time peace,
00:18:23 --> 00:18:25 Talk to me in the show.
00:18:27 --> 00:18:35 Music.