In this emotionally charged episode of "Talk To Me Michele," host Michele unpacks a listener's heartbreaking story of losing a best friend to street violence. The episode explores the depths of grief, guilt, and the challenges of healing after such a tragic loss.
Michele reads a poignant letter from a listener in Memphis, Tennessee, whose friend was caught in the crossfire of a dangerous lifestyle. The episode emphasizes the unconditional love of friendship while acknowledging the limitations of what love can achieve.
Listeners are encouraged to navigate their guilt and grief, understanding that sometimes love, no matter how profound, cannot save a person from their own choices or circumstances. Michelle offers heartfelt advice on coping mechanisms, including therapy, grief support, and personal rituals to connect with lost loved ones.
This episode provides a safe space for listeners who are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, reminding them that they are not alone and encouraging them to embark on a journey of healing.
00:00:00 --> 00:00:19 Music.
00:00:23 --> 00:00:27 Hey, y'all. Welcome back to Talk To Me, Michelle, with that one L,
00:00:27 --> 00:00:31 where we keep it real, we laugh when we can, and cry when we need to,
00:00:31 --> 00:00:32 and always speak from the heart.
00:00:33 --> 00:00:39 Now, today's episode, it's a heavy one, but it's one of those conversations that need to be had.
00:00:40 --> 00:00:45 It's not easy. It really isn't. You know, some episodes are fun and full of
00:00:45 --> 00:00:47 jokes, but this one's full of truth.
00:00:47 --> 00:00:52 I'm going to be honest with y'all. This one touched me deep because when someone
00:00:52 --> 00:00:56 writes in this kind of pain, you just don't read it. You actually feel it.
00:00:56 --> 00:01:00 And if you ever love somebody who made choices that scared you,
00:01:00 --> 00:01:04 who always stayed in something you knew was dangerous, then you already know
00:01:04 --> 00:01:08 how hard it is to watch and how helpless it can make you feel.
00:01:08 --> 00:01:12 So I'm going to say this, give yourself some grace listening today.
00:01:13 --> 00:01:17 This might stir up some old feelings. It might even make you think of someone
00:01:17 --> 00:01:21 you lost or someone you're scared of losing. And that's okay.
00:01:21 --> 00:01:24 That's human. I got you. And we're going to get through this together.
00:01:25 --> 00:01:30 This episode was inspired from a letter from a listener who is from my hometown,
00:01:30 --> 00:01:36 Memphis, Tennessee, who lost her best friend in a way that should never happen. It was tragic.
00:01:36 --> 00:01:39 And it was tied to a life her friend wasn't even living.
00:01:39 --> 00:01:45 She just got caught in a crossfire. And when I tell y'all This letter hit hard. I mean it.
00:01:45 --> 00:01:48 So I want to take a moment to read it. And then we're going to talk through
00:01:48 --> 00:01:54 the pain, the guilt, and what healing even looks like when love didn't change the outcome.
00:01:56 --> 00:02:00 All right, let me go ahead and read this letter. And I want y'all to really sit with this.
00:02:01 --> 00:02:05 Don't just listen, feel it, okay? This is someone's real-life heartbreak.
00:02:05 --> 00:02:10 A best friend gone too soon. And a person who wrote me, she's searching for
00:02:10 --> 00:02:14 peace. And I hope I can kind of help her find just a little bit of it today.
00:02:14 --> 00:02:19 Dear Michelle, A few months ago, I lost my best friend in the most heartbreaking way.
00:02:19 --> 00:02:24 She was in a relationship with someone who was deeply involved in the streets, a known dealer.
00:02:24 --> 00:02:28 I tried to warn her. I voiced my concerns more than once.
00:02:28 --> 00:02:33 Not because I judged her, but because I loved her so much I wanted her to be safe.
00:02:33 --> 00:02:37 But she saw something in him I couldn't, and she stayed with him.
00:02:37 --> 00:02:40 She was caught in the crossfire of a life she didn't create,
00:02:40 --> 00:02:42 and ultimately, it cost her everything.
00:02:43 --> 00:02:47 She was murdered because of his choices, his lifestyle, and his enemies.
00:02:47 --> 00:02:52 I'm overwhelmed with grief. But more than that, I'm battling guilt,
00:02:52 --> 00:02:56 anger and confusion emotions that don't even seem to have a home.
00:02:57 --> 00:03:00 I keep asking myself could I have done more?
00:03:00 --> 00:03:06 Should I have pushed harder? I feel like I failed her and I don't know how to let go of that.
00:03:06 --> 00:03:11 I miss her every day and I'm struggling to understand how to heal how to forgive
00:03:11 --> 00:03:13 and how to live with this kind of loss.
00:03:14 --> 00:03:18 How do you grieve someone who died because of a choice you begged them not to make?
00:03:19 --> 00:03:23 How do you release the weight of guilt when love wasn't enough to save them?
00:03:24 --> 00:03:28 Any words of comfort, wisdom, or truth would mean more than I can say.
00:03:28 --> 00:03:30 Sincerely, still searching for peace.
00:03:31 --> 00:03:35 Okay, I wish I could give you a hug through this microphone.
00:03:35 --> 00:03:41 I mean, really, because you're carrying so much grief and guilt and you still
00:03:41 --> 00:03:45 have questions and a kind of heartbreak that most people don't even have the words for.
00:03:46 --> 00:03:51 But I'm going to need you to hear me out loud and clear on this. You didn't fail her.
00:03:51 --> 00:03:56 You did love her. You spoke up. You warned her. That's not failure. That's friendship.
00:03:56 --> 00:04:00 That's what real love looks like. But here's the hard truth.
00:04:00 --> 00:04:02 Love doesn't always come with superpowers.
00:04:03 --> 00:04:07 And sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you can't pull them out
00:04:07 --> 00:04:09 of something that they're not ready to leave.
00:04:09 --> 00:04:14 You did what you could, and that was enough. Those were her own choices.
00:04:14 --> 00:04:17 And what happened, that's not on you.
00:04:17 --> 00:04:22 That's a life that he was living, the people around him, and the consequences
00:04:22 --> 00:04:24 that came with that world, not you.
00:04:24 --> 00:04:26 And listen, grief is already heavy.
00:04:27 --> 00:04:31 Don't let guilt strap a brick to your back while you're trying to walk through it.
00:04:31 --> 00:04:35 That guilt you're holding, that's just your love looking for a place to land.
00:04:35 --> 00:04:37 But love doesn't mean carrying blame.
00:04:38 --> 00:04:43 Now look, I know we have all had the, if I just had one more time moment.
00:04:43 --> 00:04:49 And we could have said it in all caps on a billboard with a marching band with strobe lights.
00:04:49 --> 00:04:51 And if somebody's mind's already
00:04:51 --> 00:04:55 made up, they're going to do what they want to do. That's not on you.
00:04:56 --> 00:05:01 Yes, you should grieve her. Go ahead and cry, scream, get out your system. Journaling may help.
00:05:02 --> 00:05:07 Talk to her out loud if you need to, but don't punish yourself for what you couldn't control.
00:05:08 --> 00:05:11 Your friendship still mattered, and you honoring her like this,
00:05:11 --> 00:05:12 this is a beautiful thing.
00:05:13 --> 00:05:17 It's sacred, and it tells me that she was lucky to have you as a friend.
00:05:17 --> 00:05:21 And I know you're not alone in this, because so many of us have watched people
00:05:21 --> 00:05:25 we love fall into a life that broke them. So now we're going to open this up.
00:05:26 --> 00:05:30 Let's talk about it. What do you do when love wasn't enough to save somebody?
00:05:30 --> 00:05:33 How do you grieve them without drowning in guilt?
00:05:34 --> 00:05:40 Okay, first of all, guilt. That is the uninvited guest at every grief party.
00:05:40 --> 00:05:44 You didn't ask for her to come. She just showed up without no casserole,
00:05:44 --> 00:05:47 and she stays way too long.
00:05:47 --> 00:05:52 Guilt is that loud voice in your head whispering, if you only had done more.
00:05:52 --> 00:05:54 And then, you know, that voice is bold.
00:05:54 --> 00:05:56 But it ain't always honest.
00:05:57 --> 00:06:01 When someone we love dies, especially under circumstances we try to pull them
00:06:01 --> 00:06:03 out of, guilt slides right in.
00:06:03 --> 00:06:06 Like, hey, remember that time you could have said a little bit more?
00:06:06 --> 00:06:09 Or a time you could have said something a little bit louder?
00:06:09 --> 00:06:13 You should have dragged her out of that situation, even if she was kicking and screaming.
00:06:13 --> 00:06:17 But I'm going to tell you something. You did try. You showed up.
00:06:17 --> 00:06:19 And that's a lot more than most people do nowadays.
00:06:20 --> 00:06:24 You loved her out loud. That's not guilt worthy. That's rare.
00:06:25 --> 00:06:29 Now, here's where we got to check ourselves. There's a difference between feeling
00:06:29 --> 00:06:31 guilty and being responsible.
00:06:31 --> 00:06:36 You feel guilty because your heart is tender, because you're hurting,
00:06:36 --> 00:06:41 because you miss her so damn much that your mind is reaching for anything for it to make sense.
00:06:42 --> 00:06:45 But you are not responsible for the outcome of somebody else's choices.
00:06:46 --> 00:06:50 You're not responsible for someone else's grown decisions, especially when they're
00:06:50 --> 00:06:53 tied up in a world you didn't create and couldn't control.
00:06:53 --> 00:06:56 Now, this is a hard one to say out loud, but it is the truth.
00:06:57 --> 00:07:00 Love is not a life jacket. We want it to be, though.
00:07:01 --> 00:07:05 We want to believe that if we love them just enough, show them the danger enough,
00:07:06 --> 00:07:10 plead enough, we can pull them out of it. But love is not magic.
00:07:11 --> 00:07:14 You know, sometimes love says, please come with me.
00:07:15 --> 00:07:19 And they say, no, I'm staying. And that hurts. It does. It shatters you.
00:07:19 --> 00:07:21 But it doesn't mean that your love failed.
00:07:21 --> 00:07:26 It means your love was present. and sometimes, presence is all we got to give.
00:07:27 --> 00:07:31 If love could have saved everybody, the world would be empty of trauma,
00:07:31 --> 00:07:36 tragedy, and these damn hood love stories that we keep losing people to.
00:07:37 --> 00:07:41 Why some people stay even when they know better? And this one right here,
00:07:41 --> 00:07:44 I gotta be real, because love can have you walking through red flags like they're
00:07:44 --> 00:07:46 cute little carnival banners.
00:07:46 --> 00:07:50 You see the danger and the chaos and the mess and you're still holding on to
00:07:50 --> 00:07:54 it like, he's so good to me, he's real good. Like, is there a shift when he's good?
00:07:55 --> 00:07:59 Like, is there a shift I don't know about, like, Tuesday from 1 to 3 p.m.? Let me know.
00:07:59 --> 00:08:04 And it ain't always about being naive or silly. Sometimes it is trauma.
00:08:05 --> 00:08:11 Sometimes it's fear. And sometimes it's just hope, dressed up in a bad outfit.
00:08:11 --> 00:08:14 When you've both been through hell and back and you feel like you're healing
00:08:14 --> 00:08:21 each other, when y'all really swapping out wounds, that's trauma bonding. That's all that is.
00:08:21 --> 00:08:25 And then you get manipulated. You know, that's a full-time job on why they may
00:08:25 --> 00:08:29 not leave. They know exactly what to say when they try to leave.
00:08:29 --> 00:08:33 They pull the tears, the guilt trips, the promises, the baby come back speeches,
00:08:33 --> 00:08:35 and they sound like a whole R&B album.
00:08:36 --> 00:08:40 And financial dependency. You don't want to sleep on that because it's hard
00:08:40 --> 00:08:44 to walk away when the bills are paid, the lights are on, and the kids are fed,
00:08:44 --> 00:08:46 even if your peace is in pieces.
00:08:47 --> 00:08:52 And that ride-or-die fantasy, some of y'all were raised on that stick-beside-him gospel.
00:08:53 --> 00:08:58 Like, loyalty means suffering, and you don't have to die to prove that you're
00:08:58 --> 00:09:00 down, that I can change him spirit.
00:09:01 --> 00:09:07 Yeah, you're strong, okay? You got some superpowers that anybody is trying to master right about now.
00:09:08 --> 00:09:11 And you always stay just broken, exhausted behind it.
00:09:11 --> 00:09:17 And I told myself years ago, I do not want to take on any more DIY projects
00:09:17 --> 00:09:20 that are outside the craft department. That's just my advice.
00:09:20 --> 00:09:25 You are not the rehab center. You're not his mama. You cannot raise a man.
00:09:25 --> 00:09:27 Ask Kay Michelle, okay? She tried.
00:09:28 --> 00:09:31 Now, there's one thing people don't stay in toxic situations because they're
00:09:31 --> 00:09:34 dumb. That's lazy thinking.
00:09:34 --> 00:09:40 Sometimes they're just human, scared, hopeful, tired, or trauma-soaked,
00:09:40 --> 00:09:43 or stuck in a cycle they don't even know how to break.
00:09:43 --> 00:09:48 And even when they know better, knowing doesn't always mean you feel strong enough to do better.
00:09:49 --> 00:09:55 So before people start judging, we got to remember, sometimes love ain't the only emotion at play.
00:09:55 --> 00:10:01 Sometimes it's survival. or they're just familiar with it, or the fear of being alone.
00:10:01 --> 00:10:05 But the reality is, if love costs you your life, that's not love.
00:10:05 --> 00:10:08 That's a warning wrapped in a lesson.
00:10:08 --> 00:10:13 So how do we heal when it's not fair? This is the part where people expect a
00:10:13 --> 00:10:17 little motivational music to kick in and me to say something like, time heals all wounds.
00:10:17 --> 00:10:20 Nah, I'm going to be real. I'm not going to lie to y'all.
00:10:20 --> 00:10:27 Healing after this kind of loss is messy. It's slow. and some days it just flat out sucks.
00:10:28 --> 00:10:32 There is no five-step program for losing someone you love to something senseless.
00:10:32 --> 00:10:37 You don't just meditate and poof, you got peace. You just don't cry once and
00:10:37 --> 00:10:39 all of a sudden you have closure. That's not how it works.
00:10:40 --> 00:10:45 But here's what does help. Real stuff, not Instagram quotes.
00:10:45 --> 00:10:47 I'm gonna highly recommend therapy.
00:10:47 --> 00:10:49 You know, you gotta sit on somebody's couch and let it out.
00:10:50 --> 00:10:54 Get you a therapist who doesn't finch when you say I'm angry and I don't feel
00:10:54 --> 00:10:56 like forgiving anybody today.
00:10:56 --> 00:11:00 And you also can look into some grief support groups. You'd be surprised how
00:11:00 --> 00:11:04 healing it is to sit with people who are going through the same type of pain you are.
00:11:04 --> 00:11:08 Again, I mentioned journaling, talk to her out loud, and create a ritual.
00:11:09 --> 00:11:11 You know, you may want to light a candle, visit her favorite spot,
00:11:11 --> 00:11:17 wear a shirt that she liked, blast that one song y'all used to go crazy to in the car.
00:11:17 --> 00:11:22 It doesn't have to make sense to nobody else but you, but it can make you feel
00:11:22 --> 00:11:24 a little bit better and bring you closer to her as well.
00:11:24 --> 00:11:28 Now, the tricky part is the forgiveness. I struggle with forgiveness.
00:11:29 --> 00:11:29 I'm not going to even lie.
00:11:29 --> 00:11:33 And you may not be ready to forgive that man. And that's okay.
00:11:33 --> 00:11:36 You may not be even ready to forgive yourself.
00:11:37 --> 00:11:42 That's cool. But every time you speak her name, instead of going silent,
00:11:42 --> 00:11:46 every time you cry, instead of holding it in, every time you talk general prayer
00:11:46 --> 00:11:49 or scream into that pillow, that's a step toward healing.
00:11:50 --> 00:11:56 And one more thing before we go. We gotta let go of this fantasy that love comes with the cape.
00:11:56 --> 00:12:01 You could be Superwoman, Wonder Woman, Captain Save-A-Friend,
00:12:01 --> 00:12:06 and still not be able to pull somebody out of a fire that they won't leave.
00:12:06 --> 00:12:10 That doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. You did what you could.
00:12:10 --> 00:12:15 You loved her. And now your job is to love yourself enough to heal.
00:12:15 --> 00:12:20 Even when it's not fair, and it still hurts, and when you still have guilt whispering in the dark.
00:12:21 --> 00:12:25 Speak the truth back to it. You did not fail her. You just miss her.
00:12:25 --> 00:12:31 Look, I know I laid it down heavy today, but this conversation was definitely necessary.
00:12:31 --> 00:12:36 Because we were able to talk about grief, guilt, healing, and how love,
00:12:37 --> 00:12:40 as powerful as it is, it cannot always save somebody.
00:12:41 --> 00:12:45 So here's a brief recap in true grown folk fashion.
00:12:46 --> 00:12:51 Now, guilt is going to show up. And when grief doesn't know where to go,
00:12:51 --> 00:12:52 that's when guilt comes in.
00:12:52 --> 00:12:56 You are not responsible for somebody else's choices.
00:12:56 --> 00:13:01 And some people stay in mess not because they're weak, but because they're human.
00:13:01 --> 00:13:07 And the healing is not a cute process, not a quick process, but you will get there.
00:13:08 --> 00:13:11 And if nobody told you today, you're doing better than you think.
00:13:12 --> 00:13:15 Now if you enjoyed this episode or it touched something
00:13:15 --> 00:13:20 in your spirit support the podcast on buymeacoffee.com
00:13:20 --> 00:13:22 backslash talk to me michelle because you know this mic just don't
00:13:22 --> 00:13:28 run on prayers alone also shout out to the mbg podcast network the real mvps
00:13:28 --> 00:13:32 behind the scenes and if you got a letter you want me to read need some advice
00:13:32 --> 00:13:37 or just want to get off your chest send that right to me at talk to me michelle
00:13:37 --> 00:13:41 at gmail.com and that's with one l also any topic suggestions.
00:13:41 --> 00:13:45 I'm open to all of it. And yes, that's Michelle with one L. Don't play with me.
00:13:45 --> 00:13:49 Make sure you're following me on all social media at TalkToMeMichelle.
00:13:49 --> 00:13:51 I'm out here in these internet streets.
00:13:52 --> 00:13:55 So until next episode, everybody, I'm out. Peace.
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