In this eye-opening episode of Talk to Me Michele, we’re joined by Dr. Candace Eliane to tackle a lesser-known yet impactful topic: chaos addiction. What drives some people toward lives filled with constant drama, stress, and unrest? Dr. Eliane sheds light on the psychological patterns behind chaos addiction, how it subtly creeps into our lives, and why some of us feel an intense pull toward disorder. Together, we explore the signs of chaos addiction, the toll it takes on our mental and emotional health and strategies for breaking the cycle. Join us for an empowering conversation on reclaiming peace and finding balance amidst life’s challenges.
[00:00:09] Talk To Me Michele.
[00:00:27] Welcome back to another episode of Talk To Me Michele.
[00:00:31] Today we're diving into a deep topic that affects so many people without even realizing it.
[00:00:37] And it's chaos addiction.
[00:00:41] You might ask, what is chaos addiction?
[00:00:45] Well, it's a pattern where people feel driven towards disorder, drama or unrest in their lives.
[00:00:51] And sometimes they're not even aware they're doing it.
[00:00:54] And it's to fill a certain void or void, uncomfortable feelings.
[00:00:59] To explore this powerful topic, I had to bring in Dr. Candace Elaine.
[00:01:03] And Dr. Candace is a very, very blunt spoken doctor.
[00:01:10] She gets right to it. That's why I love her to death.
[00:01:14] But Dr. Elaine brings her expertise and insight to help us understand why some of us are drawn to chaos.
[00:01:20] And how we break free from it.
[00:01:22] So let's get comfortable and prepare for a revealing conversation.
[00:01:30] Before we dig deep into this chaos, would you mind giving the people a little background?
[00:01:37] Okay. A background on chaos addiction?
[00:01:40] Oh, on yourself.
[00:01:42] Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
[00:01:44] Hey everyone. First, I gotta say thank you.
[00:01:47] Thank you so much, Michele, for having me here.
[00:01:49] And the background is everything.
[00:01:51] You look beautiful.
[00:01:53] So you look beautiful in the background.
[00:01:54] It's everything.
[00:01:55] So a little bit about me.
[00:01:56] I am Dr. Candace Elaine.
[00:01:57] And y'all have heard me say that a hundred times.
[00:01:59] If you go to my page, I said, because I'm a firm believer.
[00:02:02] You can't call my name if you don't know my name.
[00:02:04] So I am Dr. Candace Elaine.
[00:02:05] I am a clinical psychologist and a naturopathic doctor.
[00:02:09] Meaning, meaning integrative.
[00:02:12] When I say integrative, I am holistic.
[00:02:14] However, sometimes you do need Western medicine and you need to go to the hospital.
[00:02:20] So I'm not the doctor that you come to if you got a gunshot.
[00:02:23] No, go to the doctor.
[00:02:24] Go to the hospital.
[00:02:25] So I do holistic and mental health.
[00:02:28] So I am all things wellness.
[00:02:30] I run an amazing clinic out here in California.
[00:02:32] That's called Comprehensive West.
[00:02:34] I am the owner, but let's just call me the custodian of Comprehensive West.
[00:02:39] And I am not a healer because I don't believe that I heal people.
[00:02:44] People heal themselves.
[00:02:45] I bring people to healing and see it.
[00:02:48] And I just introduce you to it.
[00:02:50] So that is what I do.
[00:02:51] I'm a mother.
[00:02:52] I'm a wife.
[00:02:52] I'm a human being.
[00:02:53] I'm independent.
[00:02:54] I am unapologetically perfect.
[00:02:56] And I am one of the dopest doctors you probably ever meet.
[00:02:59] Again, I am Dr. Candace.
[00:03:02] So girl, this is like a slam poetry moment.
[00:03:06] Y'all in the comments, give her the snap fingers on that one for real.
[00:03:13] I love it.
[00:03:14] That's who I am.
[00:03:15] But that's why, like I said, you're good friends with my friend, Dr. Tyra.
[00:03:20] That was also an introduction of me meeting you as well.
[00:03:23] But I love your podcast with Dr. Tyra because you ladies be dropping gems.
[00:03:29] So you guys have definitely got to check out their podcast.
[00:03:32] Is it Mental Health Chicks now?
[00:03:33] Because I get the titles mixed up.
[00:03:35] So forgive me.
[00:03:36] The Mental Health Minute.
[00:03:37] Okay.
[00:03:38] Mental Health Minute.
[00:03:39] The Mental Health Minute.
[00:03:40] It's amazing.
[00:03:41] That is my sister and my friend.
[00:03:43] And I love her.
[00:03:44] And we do it.
[00:03:45] We get it done.
[00:03:47] Yeah.
[00:03:47] We do.
[00:03:48] So you guys make sure to subscribe to their podcast as well.
[00:03:52] Tune in.
[00:03:53] It is more of a conversation.
[00:03:56] Now, this chaos that we got going on.
[00:03:58] Yes.
[00:04:00] Around this time of the year, it's election year.
[00:04:03] And I'm seeing outside of just the normal chaos, the politics have got people very emotional
[00:04:11] right now.
[00:04:11] And I think it's a contribution to the chaos.
[00:04:15] And can you briefly describe how this time of year is affecting people with their addiction
[00:04:21] of chaos?
[00:04:22] Absolutely.
[00:04:24] So, which, okay, so let me just answer your question.
[00:04:28] Around this time of year, it's about winning.
[00:04:31] Around this time of year, it's about votes.
[00:04:33] It's about money.
[00:04:34] It's about ego.
[00:04:36] Mostly.
[00:04:38] It is, people would think it's about the people, but it is not.
[00:04:42] It is about winning.
[00:04:43] It's about one-upping.
[00:04:45] What can I do?
[00:04:46] Who I'm going to do it too?
[00:04:48] That's what this year is about.
[00:04:49] Who's in office?
[00:04:51] And what, and my ego.
[00:04:53] So we like to think it's about us, the different political parties and political views.
[00:04:59] But my professional opinion, it is maybe 10% that.
[00:05:04] And another 60% would be about ego.
[00:05:09] And maybe another 40% of the, about different views, but may not be political.
[00:05:15] You're wrong.
[00:05:17] I'm wrong.
[00:05:18] And different rules and regulations and control.
[00:05:23] And that's what chaos addiction is about.
[00:05:26] And not just politicians, but everyday people have it.
[00:05:31] I see.
[00:05:32] I have many patients that battle with chaos addiction.
[00:05:37] And a lot of people don't know what it is.
[00:05:40] Yeah.
[00:05:40] You know, cause I, I want to say I was an addict.
[00:05:43] I'm not going to lie.
[00:05:44] I found myself.
[00:05:45] And this is my example of why I had a chaos addiction at one time when there was a basically
[00:05:52] socializing, there was a lot of open door policy for a lot of people that I shouldn't have opened
[00:05:59] the door for and entertaining behavior, certain things that I had boundaries for at one time.
[00:06:05] I just let them fall to the wayside.
[00:06:07] And I was just like, you know, I'm just, why am I gravitating to go into a live that has chaotic behavior?
[00:06:14] Why am I drawn to this?
[00:06:16] And it got to a point I slowly started withdrawing and start saying, you know what you could be doing with your time instead of watching this and absorbing this negative energy.
[00:06:25] You could be working on this.
[00:06:27] You could be working on that.
[00:06:28] So that's my definition of my chaotic addiction at one point.
[00:06:33] Absolutely.
[00:06:34] Absolutely.
[00:06:35] If you will honor me, can I explain to the audience what chaos addiction is?
[00:06:39] Yes.
[00:06:40] Okay.
[00:06:41] Chaos addiction.
[00:06:42] And I have my notes for the people, for the people in the back.
[00:06:45] I got my notes.
[00:06:46] Chaos addiction is where you unconsciously, because, you know, people really don't know that they're doing it.
[00:06:52] Where you unconsciously engage and create turmoil, turmoil and trauma and drama in your life.
[00:06:58] And you tend to crave that because that's why it has addiction because you tend to crave it.
[00:07:06] Okay.
[00:07:06] So that's what it is.
[00:07:07] That's exactly what it is, what I wrote.
[00:07:09] And that is what it is.
[00:07:10] Now, what it looked like when people say, well, Dr. C, what does that look like for someone to have chaos addiction?
[00:07:17] And why would they go there?
[00:07:19] Why would someone crave that?
[00:07:22] Unresolved trauma.
[00:07:23] That's one.
[00:07:26] Misplaced anger.
[00:07:28] That is another one.
[00:07:30] The need for control and unpredictability.
[00:07:33] And when I say need for control, do not have emotional regulation.
[00:07:37] People do not have regulation or control over their emotions.
[00:07:41] They tend to crave chaos because that is where you're comfortable.
[00:07:45] And the brain goes to what's comfortable.
[00:07:48] The brain is not designed to, oh, let me take you over here because you're going to be okay.
[00:07:53] No, the brain is going to take you where you're comfortable.
[00:07:55] The next one is past experience.
[00:07:58] And even if it's an unsafe relationship or an unsafe environment, you're still going to go there.
[00:08:05] That's chaos addiction.
[00:08:06] That is why some.
[00:08:07] And then some people learn it because it is patterns, childhood patterns and relationship patterns.
[00:08:12] And when I say relationship, not just romantic relationship, it can be sibling, sibling.
[00:08:16] It can be just in the household.
[00:08:19] Yeah.
[00:08:20] And you start to crave that.
[00:08:21] So that is what chaos addiction is.
[00:08:25] That's where it comes from.
[00:08:27] That's the step.
[00:08:28] Absolutely.
[00:08:29] Okay.
[00:08:30] Well, good.
[00:08:30] I get a pass because I thought, you know, for some reason, I think maybe it was ratchet addiction.
[00:08:35] I had maybe that's what it was because I don't like going around stirring up no nonsense.
[00:08:43] It's just not.
[00:08:44] It's not on my forte.
[00:08:46] So when you find somebody that suffers with chaos addiction and you listed all the traits, you know, or where it could have came from and why they still entertain it.
[00:08:55] So is there a possibility of a person seeing eye to eye on trying to get away from that type of behavior?
[00:09:04] Absolutely.
[00:09:05] Absolutely.
[00:09:05] And how they do that, Michelle, is acknowledge.
[00:09:09] You have to know you got a problem in order to solve a problem.
[00:09:12] A lot of people have several problems and that are not aware.
[00:09:16] So the first thing you have to accept, you have to acknowledge, I've got a problem.
[00:09:22] This is, there's a problem here.
[00:09:23] And you have to accept you got a problem.
[00:09:25] It's a true thing.
[00:09:26] And I hope the audience is listening to that because a lot of people say, oh yeah, I know I got a problem, but I'm cool.
[00:09:31] And we see that every day.
[00:09:33] That's why I have the diction.
[00:09:34] Like someone know they own drugs.
[00:09:36] You know, you won't, you know, you won't damn drugs and they ain't doing nothing about it.
[00:09:39] You know, you out here drinking and they're not doing anything about it.
[00:09:42] So you can know there's a problem, but not being accepted and saying I need help.
[00:09:46] So that's so you have to acknowledge something's wrong and then accept.
[00:09:51] I need help.
[00:09:51] I need help.
[00:09:53] I accept it.
[00:09:54] So the AA, that's what AA come from.
[00:09:56] So that's what it comes from.
[00:09:57] So yes, people can suffer from it.
[00:10:00] And then once you start to heal and going to try to get help, which I have some tips, but the audience as well, that's not familiar with that.
[00:10:07] That's when you start to battle.
[00:10:09] There's a difference between suffering and battling.
[00:10:12] Suffering.
[00:10:13] That's all you do.
[00:10:14] And there is no fight and the disease and the addiction has control.
[00:10:18] Battling you a warrior, you fighting every day.
[00:10:20] So there's a difference between suffering and battling with this addiction.
[00:10:26] I can see that because I know I've known people with this addiction and I just didn't have a label for it at the time.
[00:10:34] But I mean, let's look at some signs.
[00:10:36] Number one, because we might be dealing with people.
[00:10:38] What are some of the signs that people show when they have chaos addiction?
[00:10:45] Okay.
[00:10:45] The, some of the signs is one constant stimulation and validation rather than from unhealthy behavior.
[00:10:57] They need that.
[00:10:58] They need that.
[00:10:59] They need that constant stimulation.
[00:11:00] They can be in a calm setting, a calm state of mind in peace, and they're going to find fault in something.
[00:11:08] You're driving too fast.
[00:11:09] Why you wear that hat?
[00:11:11] Why you got that on?
[00:11:12] I didn't like that.
[00:11:13] Why did you make that just constantly nitpicking, finding something wrong when everything is right?
[00:11:20] That is one sign.
[00:11:22] Okay.
[00:11:23] And they not, and I must say in the people's defense, because they do have a defense because it is a disease that they don't know that they do that.
[00:11:31] They, they're not aware that this is an addiction that I have because when they do that, these dopamine levels raise.
[00:11:38] And what is dopamine?
[00:11:39] That's the feel good drug.
[00:11:40] And that's that feel good endorphin that we all have.
[00:11:43] I mean, we, we sleep with it.
[00:11:44] We got it.
[00:11:44] It's just in us.
[00:11:45] This isn't endorphin, you know?
[00:11:46] So we have it.
[00:11:46] And when a person is suffering from, um, chaos addiction, those dopamine levels raise and they like, Oh, okay.
[00:11:54] And they like how they feel, not knowing that they are causing harm to family, friends themselves and everyone around them.
[00:12:02] So that's one.
[00:12:03] They crave emotional high, emotional high, the need, whether it's like I said, mostly negative, mostly negative.
[00:12:13] Some people will go, let's take social media for, um, for example, they will go into certain rooms that you know, you wasn't invited to and your soul don't belong in.
[00:12:22] You will go in certain rooms because you get that emotional high of finding out the T what's the T what's going on.
[00:12:29] Who said what, who shot?
[00:12:30] That ain't your business, but you get that emotional high chaos addiction.
[00:12:34] Crave that supposed to be sleep and getting ready for the next day, but slowly scrolling at two in the morning, looking for something to do something to see something to comment on chaos addiction.
[00:12:45] Because that's the emotional high, uh, feeling very anxious and bored when they are in a calm setting you ever had, or maybe yourself.
[00:12:55] I know I have been calm.
[00:12:57] This is in my younger days, younger days, long time ago, calm, calm state of mind.
[00:13:03] Everything's good, but I got to find something about something because you saw that old saying, something always wrong.
[00:13:12] So you look for it. If you see something always wrong, you look for it. Yeah. So that's one too, where when there is a calm state of mind, you're bored.
[00:13:23] So you got to stir up something. That's one. Another one is aggravating and irritable and anger, but a nice, nasty.
[00:13:33] I think you're as an up, but nice, nasty. So let's call it shade.
[00:13:37] Ain't that what the young people say? Call it shade. Nice, nasty. Yeah.
[00:13:42] Very passive aggressive and nice, nasty.
[00:13:45] Chaos addiction. Yeah. No, you throw in shade. You met what you said, but they want to pick to get that.
[00:13:52] What emotional high? Why dopamine levels are raised and they need that.
[00:13:58] That's one. Another one is, is they have difficulty maintaining solid relationships.
[00:14:05] I see this a lot in my practice when people come to me for personal development and they like, I am going through different relationships and different relationships.
[00:14:15] And I seem to can't keep someone true story. And then after I do the talk and we have a, you know, stimulating conversation, I find out issue.
[00:14:29] And they're like, because it's cause it's a pattern. It's a pattern.
[00:14:34] Yeah.
[00:14:35] I'm sorry to laugh, but yeah, it's you.
[00:14:38] I can't maintain stable relationships. And they said, and I, this true story. And I've been a victim of this too.
[00:14:44] I want the audience to know this long time ago. So I get it. So I'm with the people and I for the people and I am the people. I get it.
[00:14:50] So when they come to me and they say, well, Dr. C, I cannot keep a relationship. Men are in and out. I can't keep them. What's going on?
[00:14:56] I'm just attracting bad men. No, you're not just attracting bad men. That's not how it works. It's the chaos addiction.
[00:15:05] You attract what you are. Your attraction gonna go with your mindset. Yeah.
[00:15:10] You crave that and your dopamine levels raise because you crave that. And even if the brother is calm and cool and collected, you didn't took him and he didn't got out of character because chaos addiction.
[00:15:24] You bring it with you. I'm sorry. I'm going to my own mental checklist. That's why you was doing that. Okay. This is why. Okay. And that makes a lot of sense.
[00:15:35] High conflict. Another one is high conflict relationships is always something never satisfied.
[00:15:43] Like a relationship cannot be cool, common or collective, whether it's a work relationship or romantic relationship, sister and sister, brother and mother, mom and mama, whoever.
[00:15:51] It cannot like a whole month of 30 days of just I'm calm. I'm cool. It's always something that is a person not always because I want to put my disclaimer because I don't want people to diagnose themselves.
[00:16:07] I don't recommend that. This ain't way of ending. Okay. Don't diagnose yourself. But I do want people to be aware. That is one of the signs of what it looked like. And when someone then where it's always something, there's always some conflict.
[00:16:20] And then they don't take responsibility or accountability. They just say everybody around me is toxic. You do know, it's five toxic people in the room and you walk in the room. You know, six.
[00:16:32] I mean, I'm just saying, but people come in. They say, Dr. C. They so toxic. Oh, okay.
[00:16:49] Why are you over there?
[00:16:53] We're grown. And as adults, we forget that we really are in control of where we could be.
[00:17:00] Right. We really are in control of who can have access to you. We really are. But we forget that because of chaos. Some because of chaos addiction, we want to feed into that need.
[00:17:16] And that's what happens.
[00:17:17] Well, I hope everybody got their checklist of all those signs.
[00:17:22] Y'all may kick some folks out the house tonight just after her reading that list off.
[00:17:27] But we went over the signs and symptoms and you mentioned earlier about the contribution that social media gives to chaos addiction.
[00:17:36] Could you give us a couple of examples on how social media plays a role?
[00:17:41] Absolutely. It would be my pleasure. How social media plays a role in chaos addiction is it provides constant stimulation.
[00:17:48] It never cut off. It's like the police station in the hospital is always open. All you got to do is pick up your phone.
[00:17:54] Well, no, they and not enough chaos over there. Let me go in this room with five of them in their argument and having drama.
[00:18:01] Let me do this. Let me do that. So it provides constant, constant stimulation, some negative and some positive.
[00:18:09] But people who have some addiction is going to look for what they don't look for.
[00:18:13] They don't look for their need. So that's number one. It encouraged drama and conflict.
[00:18:17] And what I mean by that, there are a lot of keyboard hustlers. There are a lot of keyboard gurus.
[00:18:24] There are a lot of keyboard warriors. So they hide behind it. But if you meet them.
[00:18:30] So their screen name is gone local. Shoot them up. When you meet them, they name Jesse. What we doing?
[00:18:40] I'm just saying you, you want it to know. You want it to know.
[00:18:45] But when you put that scenario together, I'm just thinking of some of the handles that I know.
[00:18:51] And they are the very opposite of the handles trying to play so hard.
[00:18:56] This hardcore handle game that'll make it in reality.
[00:19:00] Absolutely.
[00:19:01] When people meet you in person, that's what I'm just trying to put together.
[00:19:05] So we know that.
[00:19:07] But you know what? And that's a good point you made because that is a bad habit I have in mind.
[00:19:12] If I can't sleep, I'm scrolling.
[00:19:14] And I'm not necessarily looking for drama. I'm just trying to, okay, let me find something enough to, you know,
[00:19:19] until I could do a drowsy state.
[00:19:21] Absolutely.
[00:19:21] And you know what I'm going to call some of the worst clips that I don't need to look at before I go to sleep.
[00:19:28] Yes.
[00:19:29] Absolutely.
[00:19:29] Yeah.
[00:19:29] Because I've noticed that it's like, why is all this toxic crap coming in here?
[00:19:33] And that's why I'm trying to follow a little bit more positive people on social media.
[00:19:37] So that will all be in my feed.
[00:19:39] But, oh, Lord.
[00:19:40] Absolutely.
[00:19:41] And the next one would be addiction to the dopamine hilt and highs.
[00:19:46] Because again, dopamine is an endorphin.
[00:19:50] It is a chemical that we all have.
[00:19:52] Okay.
[00:19:52] It is something that everyone has.
[00:19:54] And sometimes it is low where you go to the doctor or you come see someone like me and we can balance that out.
[00:20:01] And when you are addicted to it being elevated or a certain elevation, a certain level, you crave that.
[00:20:10] And when you find out and how people find out what makes their levels go is how they feel when something triggers them.
[00:20:18] So when they are triggered by chaos or drama or conflict, they like, oh, I can get through this.
[00:20:24] Meaning, let me give example.
[00:20:26] I don't know if anyone on here or even yourself, Michelle, have ever met someone that says, I do better when my back is against the wall.
[00:20:34] I do better with deadlines.
[00:20:37] I do better with time limits.
[00:20:40] I come out.
[00:20:41] I'm a killer than a game with my back against the wall.
[00:20:43] I'm everything.
[00:20:44] Okay.
[00:20:44] That's a hard way to live.
[00:20:46] Who want to do better when they back against the wall?
[00:20:48] That's because you are addicted to those dopamine levels.
[00:20:51] That's where that adrenaline is running.
[00:20:53] And you like, oh, I got it.
[00:20:54] I can get it now.
[00:20:54] How about we kill it when we come?
[00:20:58] Cool.
[00:20:59] Collective with clarity.
[00:21:01] Do you see the difference?
[00:21:02] Because I used to fall victim to that.
[00:21:05] I feel like I'm at my best when I put to the test.
[00:21:09] And I wasn't.
[00:21:10] Because that's when, when they're dopamine level.
[00:21:13] It's like drinking an energy drink.
[00:21:15] When it goes low, you crash.
[00:21:17] And guess what happens?
[00:21:19] Irritability, depression, anxiety, because you didn't meet the deadline.
[00:21:23] Yeah.
[00:21:24] So that was number three.
[00:21:25] Number four is when you are not emotional regulated and you are battling with chaos
[00:21:32] addiction and you scroll, it regulates your emotions for you.
[00:21:37] Yeah.
[00:21:38] It, right.
[00:21:39] You ever watch something?
[00:21:40] Well, not you per se.
[00:21:41] If you, especially if you're not battling, which I don't think we're chaos addiction, but
[00:21:45] someone that is battling with chaos addiction and they see something, it triggers something.
[00:21:50] And it makes them feel a certain way.
[00:21:55] Yeah.
[00:21:56] It's already ran by the algorithm where if you tap on a certain shoes on your feet, gonna
[00:22:02] be that certain shoes for a week.
[00:22:03] All that.
[00:22:04] Yes.
[00:22:05] You tap on pregnancy.
[00:22:06] You're going to see pregnant women all day and week.
[00:22:07] I know.
[00:22:08] And you ain't pregnant.
[00:22:09] You get what I'm saying?
[00:22:10] So you be like, what?
[00:22:11] What are we doing?
[00:22:13] So what I'm saying by that is that you are battling.
[00:22:17] So when it's battling with chaos addiction, if your emotions are start to, it's being ran
[00:22:23] by the internet, social media.
[00:22:26] You now you're starting to overthink.
[00:22:29] Now you're comparing.
[00:22:31] That's when the comparison come in.
[00:22:33] You compare yourself to your peers, compare yourself to other women, compare yourself to
[00:22:36] other brands, compare yourself to this, they chaos addiction.
[00:22:39] Now you involved in that, you have lost yourself.
[00:22:41] That's one.
[00:22:42] And the last one I have for you is comparing yourself to different reaction and different
[00:22:48] things that you see on the internet.
[00:22:52] Comparing yourself and getting mad and getting upset, feeling sad, crying, watching the video.
[00:22:59] What the hell are you crying for?
[00:23:00] You don't even know them people.
[00:23:04] That's when you know, that's when you know they, your emotions are being regulated by what
[00:23:12] you are watching.
[00:23:13] Now I want to put my disclaimer on there because I know some people that may not be on a certain
[00:23:18] level as I may think.
[00:23:20] Oh, what if I saw something sad and it may, you know, they pull on my heartstrings.
[00:23:25] Dr. C may be involving a child and I cry.
[00:23:27] Okay.
[00:23:28] That's cool.
[00:23:28] But I'm talking to the grown folks who know what I'm talking about.
[00:23:30] If you're watching a couple or some drama and now you upset and you're reminiscing about
[00:23:35] your fight with your partner, that's chaos addiction.
[00:23:38] Cause it has nothing to do with you.
[00:23:40] Dr. C may be.
[00:23:41] It makes sense cause I see it too much.
[00:23:43] I see people being so emotional with stuff that has nothing to do with them.
[00:23:48] It don't affect them in a way, but they're caught up in situations.
[00:23:53] But you know, let me ride that social media train right quick because I've seen several
[00:23:57] people online expose everything about their life because I think they feel validation
[00:24:02] is needed or they need to interact.
[00:24:04] Absolutely.
[00:24:05] And when they show everything and people come back and they turn that information that you
[00:24:10] exposed us to against them.
[00:24:14] Is there a point because that's when everybody wants to come in and do what you do.
[00:24:18] They want to be a counselor.
[00:24:19] They want to give therapists and ain't got no type of degree, no couch, nowhere to be seen.
[00:24:24] But you get so much advice from people.
[00:24:27] And I think people who are always online advising others have other, I'm going to say that's an addiction as well.
[00:24:35] And I want to latch on to chaos because it seems like every person I see on live that's talking about their problems,
[00:24:42] that same group of people, this is what you need to do.
[00:24:46] And this is how you need that.
[00:24:48] And I'm like, you don't, y'all stop.
[00:24:50] Y'all not counselors.
[00:24:51] So, so stop giving us advice.
[00:24:52] Do we have too much unsolicited information from people who are suffering from that very same addiction?
[00:25:01] Absolutely.
[00:25:02] Absolutely.
[00:25:02] And it is called trauma bonding and that is trauma bonding.
[00:25:06] And to the people that battle with trauma bonding as well.
[00:25:10] And I was, I'm very familiar with that, had that at a young age as well.
[00:25:14] Trauma bonding is what we see on the internet a lot.
[00:25:17] Such like you mentioned, when someone is on their talk and just laying it out, putting their whole life on there.
[00:25:24] Someone come across their page and they're able to relate.
[00:25:29] That is how people meet.
[00:25:31] That is how people are attracted to people.
[00:25:33] Not just look, but by the trauma that we endure together.
[00:25:35] Cause we like, oh, we cousins now.
[00:25:37] We friends.
[00:25:38] You see me.
[00:25:39] I see you.
[00:25:40] So that's how people connect.
[00:25:42] So that's how they get the connection, which I'm going to say,
[00:25:46] I'm going to play devil advocate here.
[00:25:48] That's not a problem connecting to one another because you can hear something again.
[00:25:53] Here's some, see some, say some, you can hear something.
[00:25:57] However, people take it and run with it and they're not using it properly.
[00:26:01] So, so what you're saying and what I heard you say, I'm going to repeat is that people are on the internet.
[00:26:07] And let's use an example.
[00:26:08] People can come on the internet and talk about their relationship where they have been in a abusive relationship and they get out and there's,
[00:26:14] and they just take all their business.
[00:26:16] Another one.
[00:26:17] And they come on there and see that half of that can help her, especially if she is still in that relationship.
[00:26:25] She's like, oh, wow, I can relate.
[00:26:27] Maybe I'm going to do that.
[00:26:28] And then it give her a little courage.
[00:26:30] However, if that don't really happen that much, what happens is what we're talking about where that trauma bonding coming, come in and trauma bonding is just back and forth.
[00:26:40] There's no, there's no resolution.
[00:26:41] There's no resolution.
[00:26:43] There's no, how are we going to resolve this?
[00:26:45] You could trauma bond for years and still stay stuck.
[00:26:47] So y'all just stuck friends.
[00:26:49] That's it.
[00:26:50] So that's where that come in, where people just, and it happens a lot on social media.
[00:26:56] You see that.
[00:26:57] I see that.
[00:26:58] The people see that where they just, we just, we have that connection and they need something in their defense.
[00:27:05] They, in some defense, they need something, something to grasp onto because that's sometimes it's all they got until they know better.
[00:27:16] Until they know better.
[00:27:19] Right.
[00:27:19] Until they know better.
[00:27:20] Because some people were born into trauma, were born into chaos addiction.
[00:27:27] And as we speak now, there is some young people in the house with their parents and arguments and going through a divorce and fussing and fighting.
[00:27:36] And these kids got to go to school and see this.
[00:27:38] They got to wake up, go to school, act like nothing happened.
[00:27:40] So what do you think happens to them as adults?
[00:27:44] If it is not a dress, they so used to that in the household, it becomes norm.
[00:27:49] It's like this is my normal.
[00:27:50] So when they get in a relationship as an adult and they are going to fight.
[00:27:55] And if they're not with someone that can relate to that, their personal witness come from.
[00:28:00] But then they may meet, they match.
[00:28:01] Remember how I say people connect trauma bond.
[00:28:04] So they meet their partner because they're like, Oh, I've been through that too.
[00:28:09] I've been there too.
[00:28:10] Not a whole house in chaos.
[00:28:11] And they have a whole bunch of chaos ass kids.
[00:28:13] There you go.
[00:28:15] It repeats the cycle.
[00:28:16] Repeats the cycle.
[00:28:17] Generational chaos cycle.
[00:28:20] That's what happens.
[00:28:21] Yeah, it definitely has.
[00:28:23] And I've seen too many examples on social media alone where I'm like, y'all not helping the situation.
[00:28:31] You're not helping.
[00:28:32] But aside of social media, how can that play out in a professional role?
[00:28:39] Like if we're dealing with a coworker, maybe a supervisor that maybe just got promoted.
[00:28:46] And this person loves to just go around the office and do more than water cooler talk.
[00:28:52] And they are just like, it's a disruption to the work environment.
[00:28:55] Do you know of any way that people can handle that professionally without getting?
[00:29:02] Absolutely.
[00:29:03] Absolutely.
[00:29:03] I actually had a situation like that on my talk last night.
[00:29:07] Absolutely.
[00:29:08] And my suggestion, this is a two.
[00:29:10] I'm going to answer that question, but I'm going to give two scenarios.
[00:29:14] One, a question that I have, a worst statement.
[00:29:17] If that is happening and the person that's going around and it is negative Nancy and chaos addiction person, and it doesn't, and they're not impeding on your performance, do nothing.
[00:29:32] Because it's not impeding on your performance.
[00:29:35] Sometimes don't invite yourself in saloon salons that you don't belong in.
[00:29:39] Leave that alone.
[00:29:40] Because if it doesn't weigh on you, and that's, that's kind of our problem as well.
[00:29:45] We feel like she talked too much.
[00:29:47] Yeah.
[00:29:48] But is she talking to you though?
[00:29:49] If she ain't talking to you, then what are we doing?
[00:29:52] Don't say nothing.
[00:29:52] Don't say nothing.
[00:29:53] But if she's like what Candace said and all this and that, I have a solution.
[00:29:59] But if my name is not brought in and I know she is chatty Cathy and chaos addiction, but I'm never brought into it, but I know she messy.
[00:30:07] Leave her over there where she at.
[00:30:09] There you go.
[00:30:10] Gotta handle that and HR leave over there.
[00:30:12] But it, but so that's that part.
[00:30:14] But the other side of that coin, if she is chaos addiction and she's involving the whole thing.
[00:30:23] What I love to do.
[00:30:24] I love a paper trail and email.
[00:30:26] I love it.
[00:30:27] I love it.
[00:30:27] I love it.
[00:30:28] You got to have receipts.
[00:30:29] Ain't that what your people said?
[00:30:30] Hey.
[00:30:33] I'm on the pads.
[00:30:34] Let's go.
[00:30:35] Let's go.
[00:30:35] I love receipts.
[00:30:37] So I, what I would do every correspondence I would have with that woman would be through
[00:30:42] email.
[00:30:43] The only thing we would say is good morning and good night.
[00:30:46] Anything she wants to say, if she comes to my desk and I'm typing and I'm at my queue
[00:30:50] or whatever in my desk.
[00:30:51] And she's like, Candace, I need such and such file by such and such.
[00:30:54] Can you put that in writing, please?
[00:30:57] And if she don't put it in writing, I will send an email per conversation.
[00:31:01] When you stood at my desk at two Oh two, you asked for such and such email and file.
[00:31:05] Here it is every conversation.
[00:31:07] So that's one.
[00:31:08] And the reason why I would like to go that route.
[00:31:10] And I also tell a lot of my patients that come to me for personal development that has had
[00:31:14] this issue.
[00:31:15] You want to keep a paper trail because guess what your next stop after you have a paper
[00:31:19] trail is HR.
[00:31:23] And when you walk in HR, never go alone.
[00:31:27] Never go alone.
[00:31:29] Take your office bestie.
[00:31:31] Everybody got to off.
[00:31:32] Everybody got to work for it.
[00:31:33] Everybody got to work for it.
[00:31:34] Everybody got to work for it.
[00:31:35] Y'all don't see each other on the weekends.
[00:31:37] Don't call each other or nothing.
[00:31:38] But at work is like, Hey girl, if I got to work for you, take your friend.
[00:31:42] And when HR said, well, why is she here?
[00:31:44] My confidant, my support legally.
[00:31:48] You are allowed to have that.
[00:31:49] This is my work, emotional support.
[00:31:54] I need her.
[00:31:54] She's not here to say anything.
[00:31:56] She's not here to take notes.
[00:31:57] She is my support and you take your work bestie and you present every email because I am a
[00:32:05] firm believer, Michelle into the audience.
[00:32:08] How somebody do one thing is how they do everything.
[00:32:10] So if that person is derogatory and messy in person, they're going to be messy in email.
[00:32:15] You see how I say paper trail, keep a paper trail because see, you got to go with receipts
[00:32:20] because let me tell you something about HR because I work for the county.
[00:32:23] HR.
[00:32:24] This is what they do.
[00:32:25] We're going to investigate.
[00:32:25] How you investigate his email?
[00:32:27] She wrote it.
[00:32:28] I got documents.
[00:32:30] What are we doing?
[00:32:31] There you go.
[00:32:32] What are we doing?
[00:32:33] Because it takes too long and I'm a firm believer.
[00:32:36] It don't take all day to do nothing.
[00:32:37] His email.
[00:32:38] So what we doing and take someone with you because you need to document and you have other
[00:32:44] eyes and listening ears.
[00:32:46] They have your, they're your support.
[00:32:47] If you're not union, if it's union, then you take a union rep.
[00:32:51] If it's not union, take your work bestie, have, um, uh, always have a paper trail.
[00:32:55] And to the audience, correspond through email.
[00:32:59] That is your right.
[00:33:01] That's what work email is for.
[00:33:02] It's called teams.
[00:33:03] They got teams.
[00:33:04] They got all different stuff.
[00:33:05] They have all different things set up.
[00:33:08] Correspond through email.
[00:33:09] We got a talk.
[00:33:10] You want to keep it work cordial and HR will respect that.
[00:33:14] And always be professional.
[00:33:17] I am a firm believer.
[00:33:18] If you keep it professional and that all of your eyes and cross all of your T's when you
[00:33:23] go to HR, there is no, well, Michelle, I'm reading email that you called her.
[00:33:27] I'm reading email.
[00:33:28] You said this and that.
[00:33:29] I'll keep it professional.
[00:33:31] Keep it professional.
[00:33:31] Call her by her name.
[00:33:33] Oh, you know, miss such and such.
[00:33:35] Make it real, man.
[00:33:36] Make it real formal.
[00:33:37] So when you go, you got it together.
[00:33:39] So that's my advice for that.
[00:33:41] When it's someone like that.
[00:33:43] Rocky's in the comments.
[00:33:44] Cause she noticed me.
[00:33:45] I always email.
[00:33:48] And you know what?
[00:33:49] And it's, this is the thing I'm a strict with for has nothing to do with the topic,
[00:33:52] but I'm a strict with a professional follow up.
[00:33:55] So like when I confirm that nature and I'm like at a certain timeframe, if I put you
[00:34:01] on as a guest, you ain't confirmed.
[00:34:03] We're not doing it.
[00:34:06] So the email trail wholeheartedly.
[00:34:09] I really do.
[00:34:10] Yes.
[00:34:10] Oh, I love it.
[00:34:11] We know what to do in the professional workplace document email, but when it comes to family
[00:34:17] though, when it's family.
[00:34:21] Absolutely.
[00:34:22] Absolutely.
[00:34:23] So if you're asking me when it comes to family and you are battling with someone with chaos
[00:34:28] addiction, I'm going to say this and it's not for everyone, but that's okay.
[00:34:33] Cause I'm not for everyone and everyone is not for me.
[00:34:35] So my advice is my advice.
[00:34:37] It's okay.
[00:34:38] See divorce is not just for your husband.
[00:34:41] Sometimes you got to let people go.
[00:34:44] And I don't mean and let people go as in just, I ain't having with you get on out of
[00:34:49] what see you again.
[00:34:49] And if you was on fire, I wouldn't even spit on you.
[00:34:51] I didn't say that.
[00:34:53] Sometimes you got to show people.
[00:34:54] You see the show behind me.
[00:34:56] Well, I got these books.
[00:34:57] Sometimes you got to set people on the shelf.
[00:34:59] Go get armored up, go work on you.
[00:35:03] So that way, when you allow them back in your life, you know how to handle them because
[00:35:09] it is making you feel a certain way.
[00:35:11] They're not good for your emotional, mental and physical health.
[00:35:15] So sometimes you got to tell people, I love you, but we're going to take a break.
[00:35:20] Right.
[00:35:21] And if you're not in a position to say, we're going to take a break, you can take a silent
[00:35:25] break.
[00:35:26] We are grown.
[00:35:27] They get it.
[00:35:27] People feel the energy.
[00:35:29] Be cordial.
[00:35:30] Keep it cute.
[00:35:31] And what these young people say, keep it demure and take a break.
[00:35:34] And when they say, what's wrong?
[00:35:37] Absolutely nothing.
[00:35:38] And tell the truth.
[00:35:39] I'm working on me.
[00:35:40] Cause see, that's what you're doing because you can't change people.
[00:35:44] You cannot change people and people that deal with chaotic family members or family members
[00:35:49] where there is tension.
[00:35:51] They say they, they, they, they did this and they, okay, okay.
[00:35:55] I get it.
[00:35:55] Right.
[00:35:56] We can't help them, but we can help you get armored up, work on why, why they get no
[00:36:04] why are you allowing them to get on your damn nerve?
[00:36:07] Let's find that out.
[00:36:08] First, we can be loud.
[00:36:11] And I said, just like this, don't allow people to teach you there.
[00:36:15] So that's the, that's the million dollar question.
[00:36:18] If you're, if someone is raising your blood pressure and they are not good for your mental
[00:36:25] and physical and emotional wellbeing, since we know we can't change them, let's ask the
[00:36:31] real question.
[00:36:33] Why?
[00:36:34] Why?
[00:36:35] What is happening within you that they have so much control that your blood pressure is
[00:36:42] up.
[00:36:42] What's really going on?
[00:36:44] What's really going on?
[00:36:45] Is it really there or is the other things you got going on?
[00:36:48] And since they around and the closest thing there, you like, well, I gotta take it out on
[00:36:54] somebody because who I really want.
[00:36:56] I know.
[00:36:58] I know.
[00:37:00] I've been there.
[00:37:01] So I know.
[00:37:03] But no, I'm just saying.
[00:37:04] I'm just saying.
[00:37:06] No, it's the truth.
[00:37:07] It's very difficult to find, you know, whether it be family member, coworker friend, when
[00:37:13] you find out that they have a chaos addiction and you're trying to pan through it.
[00:37:17] So let's just say it's me with this addiction.
[00:37:20] You as my friend, what should be a proper approach?
[00:37:24] If any, on trying to get that resolved in a nice, subtle, somewhat matter.
[00:37:30] Okay.
[00:37:33] So what will be, I'm going to repeat.
[00:37:35] I got my doctor's hat on.
[00:37:37] So I'm going to repeat what you said and what I heard.
[00:37:40] What would be the approach as your friend in a subtle way?
[00:37:47] I don't think I can do subtle, but I can do caring.
[00:37:50] Do it the way you need to do it.
[00:37:52] Yeah.
[00:37:53] I can do caring because subtle, you won't get it because I know your personality.
[00:38:00] Some people don't get subtle.
[00:38:02] And let me just, I'm just going to digress for a minute.
[00:38:04] You ever talk to kids and you say, cause you a mama.
[00:38:07] Don't, don't, don't touch that on the table.
[00:38:10] And they still touching it.
[00:38:11] Don't touch that on the table.
[00:38:13] They still to get your mother and they move.
[00:38:16] So everybody, you can't do so.
[00:38:18] I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
[00:38:21] You ever told a man, babe, I'm gonna need you to do such and such.
[00:38:24] He'll do it.
[00:38:25] Babe, I'm gonna need you to do such and such.
[00:38:27] And you like, yeah, okay.
[00:38:28] And then you go do it.
[00:38:29] And he like, babe, what's wrong?
[00:38:32] Sometimes everybody can't do subtle.
[00:38:34] So I don't even do subtle at all.
[00:38:36] I, I go with, and since we're talking about you, we're talking about you.
[00:38:40] I wouldn't come subtle.
[00:38:41] I would come caring.
[00:38:42] You, you are definitely right on that.
[00:38:44] So, because I know you, Michelle, I I'm gonna come caring and I'm a come as a friend, but
[00:38:50] I ain't going to come subtle because the Michelle that I know that I love, she going to be
[00:38:56] like, okay, and I'm be like, okay, I think she got it.
[00:39:00] No, I'm really for real.
[00:39:02] But I'm like, I don't want to carry spirit and say, I need to talk to you.
[00:39:09] Can I, can I talk to you?
[00:39:11] And you say, yeah, girl, what's up?
[00:39:12] You know, Michelle, you know, I've been observing and I know you observe me too.
[00:39:18] I guess that's what we do.
[00:39:19] We human beings that we women, we observe each other, you know, and I know this, you've
[00:39:24] been a little irritable.
[00:39:26] You have been in rooms that I've noticed that don't even match your energy.
[00:39:33] You know, cause we friends.
[00:39:34] I know you that don't even match your energy.
[00:39:36] So it's a little out of character.
[00:39:39] Is there something wrong?
[00:39:40] What's up?
[00:39:41] I'm gonna ask, is your son?
[00:39:43] Okay.
[00:39:43] You gonna be like, yeah, girl, he fine.
[00:39:44] Well, what's wrong?
[00:39:46] And you go and then you may tell me or whatever.
[00:39:48] And I'm say, okay.
[00:39:50] And I'm, and you're going to say, when you notice this, I've, I've noticed it a while.
[00:39:54] What's a while.
[00:39:55] It's been a minute.
[00:39:56] And I'm say, and then I'm going to name some different things.
[00:40:01] And I'm gonna say, does any of those things trigger you?
[00:40:04] And you will say, yeah.
[00:40:05] And I'm say, you know what?
[00:40:06] I think it is not trying to analyze you for it.
[00:40:08] Cause you know, I love you.
[00:40:09] So I'm saying this with love, but I think it's chaos addiction.
[00:40:13] And you will say, Oh Lord, girl, I'm addicted to something.
[00:40:16] Cause I know you know what I'm saying?
[00:40:17] No, no, no, not in that way.
[00:40:19] But I think because there's levels to it.
[00:40:22] Yeah.
[00:40:22] Okay.
[00:40:23] So I would say, I think you probably have a taste of it, but it's curable and it's manageable.
[00:40:31] Let's work on that.
[00:40:32] Cause I know you want to be in a better place.
[00:40:33] Cause friend you've been over here and you know, the way you belong and I love you.
[00:40:38] And I want to see what's best for you.
[00:40:39] And I want what's best for you.
[00:40:41] Let's do this.
[00:40:42] And I know you, you'd be like, yeah, girl, you right.
[00:40:44] I don't need to be over there.
[00:40:46] No people dragging my energy.
[00:40:47] So that's how I will approach it to you.
[00:40:50] I wouldn't do it subtle because like I said, Michelle, I know, go laugh it off and think
[00:40:53] I'm playing.
[00:40:54] Yeah.
[00:40:55] And I'm going to be like, Michelle, I was for real.
[00:41:00] But you have moments where you feel like, okay, this is my friend.
[00:41:06] I'm really not trying because some people may take a different way, but I love the way you
[00:41:10] approached it, how you just came off really caring concern.
[00:41:15] And you had the receipts like, okay, this is what you've been doing.
[00:41:18] And you was doing that and you was over there.
[00:41:20] So all the combination when you make that presentation, I think it makes the landing point a lot easier to land.
[00:41:28] And you're like, okay, what's going on?
[00:41:29] Because there'll be some days.
[00:41:30] I mean, we all know the people we, we, we may have, is there any such thing matter of fact, as chaos moments, they don't have an addiction.
[00:41:38] Oh, yes.
[00:41:39] In moments, they just like, absolutely.
[00:41:42] Okay.
[00:41:43] Okay.
[00:41:43] So moment.
[00:41:45] Yes.
[00:41:46] I'm sure there's certain triggers that people that, you know, just off the rip, you know, okay, what just happened?
[00:41:53] And they get into that space.
[00:41:55] Yes.
[00:41:56] So it's human to have a little chaos.
[00:42:00] Okay.
[00:42:01] Yes, absolutely.
[00:42:02] Absolutely.
[00:42:04] Absolutely.
[00:42:04] Absolutely.
[00:42:04] That's why I say there is levels to it.
[00:42:06] You have moments that you have the addiction and you got way out.
[00:42:10] I need to 51 50.
[00:42:11] I don't know what's going on.
[00:42:12] You have to come somewhere, you know, so you, you, there's moment, but yeah, and, and let's talk about that.
[00:42:17] Let me, let's just digress and just pivot just a little bit with the chaos moments.
[00:42:21] So the audience can really get into this chaos moments.
[00:42:24] Example relationships.
[00:42:26] Couples haven't, especially if there's a woman that has dealt with abandonment issues as a child and her man is around hardworking man, brother tight.
[00:42:35] Come in from work.
[00:42:36] Hey babe, how you doing?
[00:42:37] He should shave.
[00:42:38] Babe wants to meet.
[00:42:39] Okay.
[00:42:39] Is it?
[00:42:40] And she ain't getting the attention that she feels she needs.
[00:42:43] She don't have a chaos moment so he can rescue her.
[00:42:48] Yeah.
[00:42:49] Same for a man.
[00:42:50] It happens.
[00:42:51] It's a chaos moment.
[00:42:52] And then if that happens, guess what?
[00:42:56] He didn't plant it to see.
[00:42:59] And she going to want it every time.
[00:43:01] Right.
[00:43:01] So when she, cause she already have a abandonment issue.
[00:43:03] So now she's sort of like, okay, I got to get this attention.
[00:43:05] I don't feel love.
[00:43:06] I don't feel like he see me.
[00:43:07] I don't feel this and that.
[00:43:08] I don't feel this.
[00:43:09] Why you ain't calling?
[00:43:10] Why you ain't doing this?
[00:43:11] You just got home for work and you just ignore me.
[00:43:13] Cause that man's had, he works.
[00:43:14] Let's see if he paying bills.
[00:43:15] We ain't been alone.
[00:43:16] But I'm just here, you know what that happens.
[00:43:20] It happens.
[00:43:21] And then they come to me and they say, well, Dr. C.
[00:43:23] Why am I like that?
[00:43:24] It's okay.
[00:43:25] We're human.
[00:43:27] We're human.
[00:43:28] And now that seed has been planted and that's okay.
[00:43:31] And they think, oh, the relationship is over.
[00:43:33] The relationship is not over.
[00:43:34] We're going to dig up the rules and we're going to plant something new.
[00:43:37] That's all.
[00:43:38] Yeah.
[00:43:38] Talk, have the communication, have a mediator.
[00:43:41] Maybe that's why I come in and you just dig up the weeds and it happens for family.
[00:43:46] And I do a lot of family therapy where they come and they're like, okay, I'm done.
[00:43:50] And I'm just saying, no, no, no.
[00:43:51] We just go dig up the weeds and we're going to plant healthy.
[00:43:56] We're going to plant something healthy.
[00:43:58] We're going to plant, we're going to start all over.
[00:43:59] And it's okay to start over with family because see, we grow every day, whether you
[00:44:03] like it or not.
[00:44:04] We do.
[00:44:05] Right.
[00:44:05] Right.
[00:44:06] We grow every day.
[00:44:07] And you do know we can outgrow our family members.
[00:44:10] And if you're dealing with a family member with chaos addiction, abandonment issue, they
[00:44:15] have a, and their attachment styles may be a little different.
[00:44:18] You can have two family, you can have family members.
[00:44:22] One attachment style is needy.
[00:44:24] One attachment style is avoidance.
[00:44:26] Especially if you have a needy and avoidance attachment style.
[00:44:31] They don't clash.
[00:44:33] Love each other, but they don't clash.
[00:44:38] Because one, the needy one, you act like you don't need me.
[00:44:42] You act like this.
[00:44:43] You act like you did.
[00:44:45] No.
[00:44:46] And the one that avoid.
[00:44:49] I'm just not even trying to do that.
[00:44:50] I'm trying to do my thing.
[00:44:52] I'm just, I don't want all that.
[00:44:54] Still love each other.
[00:44:56] And we just, it's a miscommunication.
[00:45:00] Big one.
[00:45:01] Big one.
[00:45:01] Because I understand.
[00:45:03] That's what it is.
[00:45:03] Please keep that out of my space.
[00:45:06] Absolutely.
[00:45:07] Exactly.
[00:45:07] Yeah.
[00:45:08] I've learned a lot because, you know, like I said, I thought I was suffering from it.
[00:45:12] I just had ratchet moments.
[00:45:13] So I am relieved to walk away.
[00:45:16] Absolutely.
[00:45:17] You just had momentary ratchet hood.
[00:45:19] That's all it is.
[00:45:20] That's it.
[00:45:21] Just momentary.
[00:45:22] And there's so many amazing things that whomever may be battling with chaos addiction can do to get out of it.
[00:45:30] You know, so many amazing things.
[00:45:33] I mean, what are some suggestions for people that do need to start taking steps to move away from that?
[00:45:39] Okay.
[00:45:40] The first step is recognize.
[00:45:42] Remember I said the ANA?
[00:45:44] Acknowledge and accept.
[00:45:45] Recognize the pattern.
[00:45:46] So you need to recognize that there is a pattern.
[00:45:48] Because people that suffer, because you're going to suffer first, then you battle when you start working on it.
[00:45:54] People that suffer from chaos addiction.
[00:45:55] There is a pattern that they have.
[00:45:56] You can see it coming.
[00:45:57] It's a honeymoon addiction.
[00:45:59] You know, nice, nasty.
[00:46:02] They nice.
[00:46:03] They bringing food.
[00:46:04] They going to get your lottery.
[00:46:06] They doing everything for you.
[00:46:07] They nice.
[00:46:07] Okay.
[00:46:08] And then they just come in and now they didn't flipped out.
[00:46:11] What?
[00:46:12] It's a pattern.
[00:46:13] So you will see it.
[00:46:15] So recognize the pattern within yourself.
[00:46:17] I recommend it.
[00:46:19] Please don't.
[00:46:19] I don't want anyone to call you out on the pattern.
[00:46:23] Recognize that.
[00:46:24] Yeah, I do that.
[00:46:26] That's a pattern for me.
[00:46:27] My behavior and triggered.
[00:46:29] They will know that they're triggered.
[00:46:31] Okay.
[00:46:31] You're triggered.
[00:46:33] Those patterns.
[00:46:34] It's not going to come up unless you a psycho or sociopath.
[00:46:36] That's a whole nother topic.
[00:46:38] However, when that pattern appears and present itself because you have been triggered, it's like poking the bear.
[00:46:45] Okay.
[00:46:46] So that's so that's number one.
[00:46:47] Number two, set boundaries with yourself and this go hand in hand and best friends social media boundaries because social media plays a big part in chaos addiction with family, friends and everyone else.
[00:47:01] Mm hmm.
[00:47:02] Because what you see on the Internet, you think you can bring it to the household.
[00:47:05] We ain't doing it.
[00:47:05] Set boundaries.
[00:47:08] Number three that I have embrace the calm and stability because people that battle a suffer with chaos addiction.
[00:47:15] They have that emotional instability.
[00:47:18] So when you do get that burst of stability and calmness and peace, embrace it, sit in and basking and lay in it.
[00:47:27] Let it feel good to you and wonder what this feel good.
[00:47:31] What the hell?
[00:47:32] And just sit in it for a moment.
[00:47:33] Just sit there.
[00:47:34] Yeah, just sit there.
[00:47:35] Just sit in it.
[00:47:36] Just sit in it.
[00:47:37] And you and you enjoy it.
[00:47:40] But you're going to cry.
[00:47:41] You're going to like, I need to stir up something.
[00:47:45] Yeah.
[00:47:45] But then let your mind go back to remember when you was calm.
[00:47:50] Remember when you were stable.
[00:47:52] Remember how you felt emotionally.
[00:47:54] Remember when you was in control and all you was doing was sitting on the couch.
[00:47:58] You was just sitting on the couch and you were calm, stable, just sitting there.
[00:48:04] And you were at peace.
[00:48:06] Yeah.
[00:48:06] Count to 10 and go back to their count to 10 backwards.
[00:48:10] Always count to 10 backwards because everybody can do one, two, three, four, five.
[00:48:14] Count backwards very slowly.
[00:48:17] And it brings down.
[00:48:19] It brings down the elevation of that high anxiety and that crave and that need.
[00:48:24] So that's one therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy.
[00:48:28] Talk to someone.
[00:48:29] There's different levels of chaos addiction, as I explained, but you will know only the person will know.
[00:48:35] I need to talk with someone.
[00:48:37] And I encourage everybody should be having everyone should have someone to talk to.
[00:48:41] If you don't have a therapist, I recommend a support group.
[00:48:46] There are free support groups.
[00:48:47] I'm running support.
[00:48:48] I run three support groups.
[00:48:49] So I recommend a support group.
[00:48:51] I recommend a healthy family and friend that you can confide in.
[00:48:55] I recommend doing your research and advocate for yourself.
[00:48:58] Be your own soldier.
[00:49:01] You fight in the war.
[00:49:02] So you are the general, the captain, the battle, the everything, the battleship.
[00:49:05] You got to fight it.
[00:49:06] So you need to research what it is, what it look like.
[00:49:08] Why are you acting this way?
[00:49:10] Seek within.
[00:49:10] So then when you do go to a therapy therapist, you not just, they looking at you, you looking
[00:49:15] at them, they looking at you.
[00:49:16] It's like, what?
[00:49:17] Now I got to do all this day of work and find out what's wrong with you.
[00:49:19] I kind of hope you came with the problem and kind of knew.
[00:49:22] So yeah, there you go.
[00:49:23] That's the, that I'm that therapist.
[00:49:24] What's wrong with you?
[00:49:25] I kind of want you to know.
[00:49:29] I thought, yeah, I kind of, yeah, I kind of want you to know what's going on.
[00:49:34] Yeah.
[00:49:35] I've been doing this a long time.
[00:49:36] So I'm like, so what's wrong with you?
[00:49:37] Who did you see before me?
[00:49:38] So yeah, I kind of want you to know.
[00:49:40] And the next one is cultivate healthy relationships because when you have healthy relationships, you
[00:49:47] know, we are who we associate with.
[00:49:50] Right.
[00:49:52] Your network is your work.
[00:49:55] Again, like I said earlier in the segment, if it's five toxic people in the room and here
[00:49:59] you go walking in, you number six of the toxicity.
[00:50:02] So cultivate healthy relationships because if there are healthy, good, solid, emotional,
[00:50:09] amazing mental people in that circle and they invite you in, they have boundaries.
[00:50:14] They're not taking it healthy people with healthy boundaries and emotional regulation.
[00:50:19] They ain't taking the BS.
[00:50:20] So you invited to that circle, go on to act right.
[00:50:23] Get your act right on and start mimicking it.
[00:50:25] Okay.
[00:50:26] So get with some good, healthy people.
[00:50:27] The next one is develop good coping mechanisms.
[00:50:31] Get you a basket, but it's really a mental basket.
[00:50:34] Some people have to really get a physical basket from the Dollar Tree, but get you a mental
[00:50:37] basket and stop putting stuff in there that calms you down.
[00:50:41] Whether it's yoga, meditation, taking a walk, walking on a treadmill, adult coloring, listening
[00:50:48] to gospel music, any type of music, hip hop rap.
[00:50:51] I don't care what you listen to.
[00:50:52] Something that will calm you.
[00:50:54] Something that, okay, I'm good.
[00:50:56] Paint something, something.
[00:50:59] And it's called, and the reason why I say you get your mental basket because you need something
[00:51:04] that you say, okay, I feel that craving.
[00:51:07] I feel it coming on.
[00:51:08] Go to what a good coping mechanism, have a good friend, have a good support system, do yoga,
[00:51:15] meditate, read, jump on a podcast, something positive, not alcohol, not drugs, not gambling,
[00:51:23] not, no, not toxicity because that's feeding the addiction.
[00:51:28] Again, we don't want to feed it.
[00:51:30] The next one will be practice emotional regulation.
[00:51:33] What that look like, what that look like is sitting still, sit still and know that you
[00:51:39] are in control.
[00:51:41] I know that sounds a little, Hey, how can I be in control?
[00:51:45] And I'm sitting still.
[00:51:46] This is for the intelligent.
[00:51:48] When you're sitting still, you are in control of your mind, your body and your emotions.
[00:51:55] When you are running around thinking you to catch pajamas, you're not in control.
[00:52:00] You run it around here.
[00:52:01] You're frying chicken.
[00:52:02] You're doing nails, doing everybody business.
[00:52:03] You on 500 podcasts, you doing everything, but sit still, sit still.
[00:52:10] A person that can sit still by themselves is a bad person is amazing person.
[00:52:16] Sit still because that is too much stimulation, too much stimulation.
[00:52:20] You're out of control.
[00:52:21] You're deregulating.
[00:52:23] You're everywhere.
[00:52:24] Your emotions, you're being pulled in so many directions.
[00:52:27] My mama need me.
[00:52:28] My sister need me.
[00:52:29] My daddy need me.
[00:52:31] The people need me.
[00:52:32] You just pulled everywhere.
[00:52:34] And then you say, but I'm in control and control of what?
[00:52:37] Cause you pulled everywhere.
[00:52:39] So it looks like everyone else is in control.
[00:52:42] Right.
[00:52:43] Yeah.
[00:52:44] So that's the first part of getting emotional regulated.
[00:52:49] When you say, I got to go take care of Michelle.
[00:52:51] I'm going to sit right here and you sit down and you sit there.
[00:52:56] And when someone said, what you doing?
[00:52:57] Emotional regulation.
[00:52:58] I got to calm all this down.
[00:53:01] Calm it down.
[00:53:02] Yeah.
[00:53:02] Calm down the beauty.
[00:53:04] Calm down and just sit still.
[00:53:07] Just sit still.
[00:53:08] So you can hear what's really going on.
[00:53:12] Yeah.
[00:53:13] Sit still.
[00:53:14] And the next one will be celebrate your calmness.
[00:53:19] Celebrate it.
[00:53:21] Yeah.
[00:53:22] And what that look like.
[00:53:24] Person is valuing with chaos addiction and they have those moments of calm.
[00:53:30] Celebrate that.
[00:53:32] Be grateful for that.
[00:53:34] Yeah.
[00:53:35] Be grateful for that.
[00:53:36] So you can have more of those and yearn for more of those because you're in control.
[00:53:41] And engage in positive things.
[00:53:43] You got us.
[00:53:45] And I will say this cause I'm a firm believer.
[00:53:47] I'm not one of those.
[00:53:50] Doctors that say, or coaches that say, oh, you always have to be positive.
[00:53:55] Okay.
[00:53:55] Get out of here.
[00:53:56] Life be life.
[00:53:58] No.
[00:53:59] Life be life.
[00:54:00] Yeah.
[00:54:01] If I have one more meme and one more person say, well, you just got to wake up positive all
[00:54:05] the time.
[00:54:06] Okay.
[00:54:06] We all live.
[00:54:07] Cause if you hear that don't happen.
[00:54:09] So let's keep it all the way real life be happening.
[00:54:13] So sometimes you won't be a little negative.
[00:54:16] Okay.
[00:54:17] We human.
[00:54:18] You can't have, and I don't get that.
[00:54:20] I don't understand it.
[00:54:21] You can't have good.
[00:54:23] And no, don't never have bad girl.
[00:54:25] That's like having hot.
[00:54:26] They never got cold.
[00:54:26] It's like having up and ain't never got down.
[00:54:29] That's like believing in God and heaven, but you don't think it's a hell.
[00:54:32] Okay.
[00:54:32] What we doing?
[00:54:34] There's opposite.
[00:54:35] Do you see what I'm saying?
[00:54:37] So when you, so I'm not saying, oh, go be negative and basket.
[00:54:40] No, no, no.
[00:54:41] When you have those moments of negativity, that's it's okay.
[00:54:46] Don't stay there.
[00:54:48] Recognize it and ask yourself.
[00:54:50] Okay.
[00:54:50] Why I'm here.
[00:54:51] Is this fact of fiction?
[00:54:52] What really brought me here?
[00:54:54] Cause sometimes it's fiction.
[00:54:55] Sometimes you just overthinking and you looking for mess.
[00:54:59] So kind of find out what's really going on.
[00:55:01] And that's when I say, sit with yourself because it could just be chaos and you looking for
[00:55:06] some mess.
[00:55:06] And then after you sit with yourself, you'd be like, okay, I'm grateful as hell.
[00:55:10] I got a roof over my head, food, gas in the car.
[00:55:12] And people ain't calling.
[00:55:14] I'm good.
[00:55:15] And then there, you know, you like, well, I almost had attitude.
[00:55:18] Well, you know what?
[00:55:19] I find myself doing that more often though, you know, sit up there when I'm being in that
[00:55:23] negative space and I'm like, okay, why are you complaining?
[00:55:27] You, you, you good.
[00:55:28] Be quiet.
[00:55:29] Absolutely.
[00:55:30] There you go.
[00:55:32] Yeah.
[00:55:32] So that's why I say just find out if it's facts of fiction.
[00:55:35] So that is some of the tips that I have that a person that is battling with chaos,
[00:55:40] chaos addiction, if they just get into themselves and the first two though, A and A and talk
[00:55:48] to someone and do your research.
[00:55:49] It's out there.
[00:55:50] The research is out there or they can DM myself, just DM me, you know, and yeah, you're
[00:55:56] going to need some help.
[00:55:57] You got to need some help.
[00:55:58] And you have given us not only some great, you, you made several memes tonight, along
[00:56:04] with the, some t-shirt slogan on the advice on this particular topic.
[00:56:10] So, I mean, your expertise is greatly appreciated.
[00:56:13] I appreciate you and Dr.
[00:56:14] Tyra.
[00:56:16] Definitely y'all go check out the podcast so we can continue this good mental health energy
[00:56:21] and be in the know because there's situations we may not know that we're actually going
[00:56:26] through until we learn a little bit more about ourselves.
[00:56:29] So I thank you for that.
[00:56:32] So let the folks know Dr.
[00:56:33] Kans where they can find you at.
[00:56:35] Yes, they can find me at I make it easy for you.
[00:56:39] Candace Walters.com.
[00:56:41] That's one.
[00:56:42] So simple.
[00:56:43] So simple.
[00:56:43] But you can also find me on Instagram.
[00:56:45] I'm on Instagram.
[00:56:46] I am on Tick Tock as Dr. C and I'm on Instagram as I don't know if everyone can see it, but I'm
[00:56:53] on Instagram.
[00:56:54] Dr. Candace Lane.
[00:56:55] I keep it simple.
[00:56:56] I believe in simplicity.
[00:56:57] Simplicity is so beautiful.
[00:56:59] Yes.
[00:57:00] So beautiful.
[00:57:00] It's so calm.
[00:57:01] And when people say when people people think doing too much is a bad thing.
[00:57:08] It's not the simplicity is.
[00:57:12] Oh, it's so beautiful and it's so common simple.
[00:57:15] So just Candace Dr.
[00:57:17] Candace Lane on Instagram.
[00:57:19] Dr. C on Tick Tock.
[00:57:21] I also have a mental health minute with my sister and my amazing friend.
[00:57:26] Dr. Tyra.
[00:57:26] We are on YouTube.
[00:57:28] And yes, just come check us out.
[00:57:30] Check out some of my things.
[00:57:32] I have my trauma course.
[00:57:33] So let me go on and just do my plug right quick.
[00:57:35] Michelle, please.
[00:57:36] I got my trauma course that's coming up.
[00:57:39] It is called break the glass.
[00:57:40] And this course would change your life.
[00:57:44] I guarantee.
[00:57:45] I guarantee.
[00:57:46] I put a guarantee my course and let me tell you my course is live with me.
[00:57:52] It is three hours is not all day.
[00:57:54] It's not a two part series because I don't believe it take all day to do nothing.
[00:57:57] They don't take all day to do it.
[00:57:59] It don't take all day to get it.
[00:58:00] It is a three hour course.
[00:58:01] It is for emotional trauma because there are three different types of trauma that we talk
[00:58:06] about acute trauma and complex.
[00:58:09] We get into it.
[00:58:10] I have a workbook.
[00:58:11] Is it?
[00:58:11] It is an amazing class and I recommend everyone take it.
[00:58:16] Even if you have not suffered a battle with trauma, take the class because someone or your loved one may need it and you can help them.
[00:58:24] This is one of a kind.
[00:58:25] There's none like it.
[00:58:27] There's other trauma classes, but this is the trauma class.
[00:58:30] It is facilitated by me.
[00:58:32] Again, it is called break the glass.
[00:58:34] You do not want to miss this.
[00:58:37] Right?
[00:58:37] So you go to my link in my bio and register for the class.
[00:58:43] The class is in October.
[00:58:45] This is October 1st and it is in the end of October and register for the class.
[00:58:49] I will do the class every month, but you want to get in because right now it's at one price and it ain't going to always be that price.
[00:58:55] So get in DM me if you have any questions about it and let me know.
[00:59:00] And I also have something that's my membership.
[00:59:03] It is called holistic harmony and it is a membership site that I have that I will be launching soon.
[00:59:09] And that will be on my link tree as well.
[00:59:11] So everyone check that out.
[00:59:13] Now with that membership, you will get all types of mental health and wellness videos, yoga videos, videos about depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, just wellness videos.
[00:59:26] Every video chaos, addiction, relationship, personal development.
[00:59:30] We take the dies because it is my site.
[00:59:33] So we get to go hard on there.
[00:59:35] You know, I have no filter on that one.
[00:59:37] So y'all come on that one.
[00:59:38] So I love y'all.
[00:59:40] And that's what I have.
[00:59:41] So that's how they can find me.
[00:59:42] Well, y'all make sure y'all follow this fabulous woman along with Dr.
[00:59:45] Tyra.
[00:59:46] And I appreciate you coming back on Dr.
[00:59:48] Kans.
[00:59:48] You know, we're going to do another rebook and have another great topic because the way you entire have a way of breaking stuff down.
[00:59:55] Woo.
[00:59:56] Yes.
[00:59:56] It's like church.
[00:59:57] Thank you.
[01:00:00] Thank you for tuning into today's episode of talk to me, Michelle.
[01:00:04] And I hope you found my discussion with Dr.
[01:00:06] Kans and Lane very insightful and eye opening.
[01:00:08] But chaos addiction is serious.
[01:00:10] It's something that impacts more people than we might think.
[01:00:13] But remember, awareness is the first step to change.
[01:00:17] So if this episode resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share and help spread the message.
[01:00:25] And speaking of which, if you haven't subscribed yet, what you waiting on?
[01:00:29] What you waiting on?
[01:00:30] I need you to like, subscribe and leave me a review when you have a moment in your day.
[01:00:35] Also, follow me on all social media platforms at talk to me, Michelle.
[01:00:39] And if you want to support the show, make sure you do so at buymeacoffee.com backslash talk to me, Michelle with one L everybody.
[01:00:48] So I will see you guys next episode.
[01:00:51] Peace.