Episode 23: Time to Let Go: How Outgrowing People Can Lead to Peace and Growth

[00:00:00] Hey listeners! Exciting news!

[00:00:04] Talk To Me Michele podcast merchandise is now available.

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[00:00:47] I hope you enjoyed this two-part series with my sister and former co-host Rochelle.

[00:00:58] I've been getting a lot of good feedback on that so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[00:01:02] Today's conversation is about outgrowing people.

[00:01:07] Sometimes we have a period with people in our lives and sometimes we outgrow each other.

[00:01:14] Outgrowing people is a natural part of growth.

[00:01:18] We evolve differently and there might be times that we realize that certain relationships,

[00:01:24] they no longer align with the values, the goals or even maturity.

[00:01:30] I'm telling you it's just that simple for me.

[00:01:33] Whether it's recognizing someone's true character, witnessing lack of personal growth,

[00:01:38] dealing with immaturity or betrayal, or you just naturally outgrowing people,

[00:01:43] it's an understanding that it's time to fall back or let it go.

[00:01:49] It's okay to let it go.

[00:01:51] Sometimes we feel obligated to keep people in our lives that you know you have outgrown.

[00:01:58] It's important to recognize when it's time to let go.

[00:02:01] You gotta recognize when it's time to let go of a person.

[00:02:04] It's crucial for personal well-being and growth.

[00:02:08] Holding on to these relationships, like I said, sometimes we feel obligated

[00:02:11] and these relationships no longer serve us to stunt our progress.

[00:02:16] It doesn't improve your own personal growth.

[00:02:19] Letting go also allows you to focus on your own journey, your own energy

[00:02:24] and creating space for positive influences and aligning with other people that support each other's growth.

[00:02:31] And that's where I'm at in life right now.

[00:02:33] I need to be bounded and connected with people that are always striving for growth themselves.

[00:02:39] And you know, sometimes you have people who don't even pursue their purpose.

[00:02:44] But it also helps us set healthy boundaries and avoid all the unnecessary stress,

[00:02:50] all the unnecessary toxic energy.

[00:02:53] You know, knowing when to move on is a key part of self-care and personal empowerment.

[00:02:58] There were a lot of people that I did feel obligated to.

[00:03:02] A lot of people that I felt that I've been knowing them for this long,

[00:03:05] or you know, our families go way back.

[00:03:08] You know, any type of situation and you know they're not good to hang on to,

[00:03:11] but you make all these excuses to hang on to people.

[00:03:15] Well, we relate it.

[00:03:16] So, you know what I'm saying?

[00:03:20] It's just I couldn't have a family member

[00:03:23] that every time they come around me, I do not want to be bothered.

[00:03:29] I don't want to be in the same room.

[00:03:31] I know they're going to do or say something that's going to get under my skin.

[00:03:35] So it's just best I, you know, disconnect from that environment

[00:03:39] because you can't ask anybody a change.

[00:03:41] And even if you let somebody know, hey, I'm not cool with what happened or what was said

[00:03:46] and they still do it, so there's lack of respect right out the gate.

[00:03:50] And letting go of some people that I had, you know, strong connections with

[00:03:54] actually helped me grow because at a point you recognize,

[00:03:58] okay, there's nothing going on here and every time I do interact with you,

[00:04:02] it drains me.

[00:04:04] So I have to let you go because you are holding me back for my own purpose.

[00:04:09] When you come to the realization that it's time to let some people go out of your life,

[00:04:14] you know, there are signs that you can go by just to know time is up.

[00:04:18] You realize who they really are.

[00:04:21] It's reality on their character, who they really are.

[00:04:24] And when you see someone who has a character that you just do not align with,

[00:04:29] you don't agree with how they move or they just underhand all the time.

[00:04:34] That is a character flaw for me.

[00:04:36] If they are constant liar, if they, you know, up here doing the most and they're,

[00:04:43] you know, always coming back to you and telling you all the dirt.

[00:04:45] I might do, how can I be cool with you knowing this is how you move?

[00:04:49] I can do it.

[00:04:51] And sometimes people will have you fooled for a certain period of time until,

[00:04:54] you know, the mass starts falling off when you see how a person really is.

[00:05:00] And, you know, some people you can, you know, spot it dead on.

[00:05:03] I will never forget we had somebody that was just so hard up on being cool.

[00:05:07] And from day one, I was not vibing this person.

[00:05:11] I was just like, it's something about your ass.

[00:05:13] I don't know what it is, but I know I'm going to go with my gut instinct.

[00:05:17] And, you know, not too much longer time proved my good instinct was right.

[00:05:22] So when you do get that vibe about somebody upfront, you know,

[00:05:25] even if you can't put your finger on it, they may have not personally offended you.

[00:05:29] Just go with your instincts.

[00:05:31] Another sign is when they lack personal growth, you know,

[00:05:35] with me being raised in the music industry and also, you know,

[00:05:40] being somewhat in the entertainment industry.

[00:05:43] I know other people in the industry that are truly talented,

[00:05:46] whether it be music wise, actor wise, podcast wise, comedy wise, you know,

[00:05:52] they got a God giving gift, but they really don't want to move past a certain point.

[00:05:58] And when I say that you've got the potential,

[00:06:01] but what are you doing to push your potential?

[00:06:03] Are you branding your potential?

[00:06:05] So that's why I'm kind of leery on people who just stay stuck

[00:06:09] in a certain spot in their career with lack of effort.

[00:06:13] A prime example I have is I had a friend, very talented, you know, musician,

[00:06:19] and I promise you could have gone so much further in their career,

[00:06:24] but it was just like they were stuck and they refused to, you know,

[00:06:29] get, you know, those creative juices flowing.

[00:06:31] I don't know what the hell was going on,

[00:06:32] but I was like, okay, you have got talent.

[00:06:35] I even get on my son's ass.

[00:06:37] My son can draw his ass off.

[00:06:40] He's got a great creative imagination and I might do YouTube is wide open for you.

[00:06:45] What are we going to do?

[00:06:46] Let's do this.

[00:06:47] Let them creative juices flow.

[00:06:50] So that just me if I see there's, you know, a great potential for somebody,

[00:06:53] but they really don't push themselves.

[00:06:55] I can't have the passion for you that you lack for your own day himself.

[00:07:01] Immaturity and outdated behavior definitely is a sign that I cannot with you

[00:07:06] because I, you know, I move in a certain mindset and I'm not saying everybody should think like me

[00:07:14] or should, you know, take on my thoughts.

[00:07:16] But what I'm saying is if I'm on a mission to do something positive or creative

[00:07:21] and you want a mission to keep stirring up shit,

[00:07:24] those are two different missions and I don't want to be part of that shit mission.

[00:07:30] You still acting, you know, immature.

[00:07:33] You're in a certain age bracket and you still think it's okay to act foolish.

[00:07:39] You still think it's okay to take out your trauma on everybody around you that didn't cause it.

[00:07:44] It's just things that you do that you're not trying to improve.

[00:07:48] So if you're not trying to improve this behavior of yours,

[00:07:52] I know I personally can't be affiliated.

[00:07:53] I meet different people on social media, but I try to keep personal connections to a bare minimum

[00:07:59] and because I can just sit in the room and I'll see people that are canned up or even the host

[00:08:07] be the biggest fools and do some of the dumbest shit.

[00:08:11] I'm just, I'm just keeping it 100 and it just like gives you a little window of their character and their behavior.

[00:08:18] And I'm like, you know, you say you act a certain way online, but there's a little reality to that.

[00:08:23] I don't think you're playing a character.

[00:08:25] I think you're just being your most toxic self.

[00:08:27] All your traits have bubbled to the surface and this is who you truly are, character or not.

[00:08:34] And betrayal is definitely on my hit list.

[00:08:36] If you cannot be a loyal person in my life, if you are just being friendly with me to backstab me later,

[00:08:46] and the signs are there.

[00:08:48] You guys have got to really open up your eyes when you see how certain people move,

[00:08:52] how certain people just do certain things at certain times.

[00:08:55] You're like, okay, wait a minute now.

[00:08:57] It's just like if you decided to host a party one day to celebrate Mardi Gras or something

[00:09:03] and you know all your friends are going to come and for some reason somebody within that group

[00:09:08] they decided to have a party on the same day, same time.

[00:09:11] And you're like, wait a minute now you knew I was planning this event,

[00:09:15] but you decided to do it on the same day, same time every, okay, I got you.

[00:09:20] So when people do little slimy underhanded stuff like that, I definitely got my eyes wide open.

[00:09:26] Now is there an emotional impact on letting go of people in your life,

[00:09:30] depending on how close you were with this person?

[00:09:33] And I say all the time you cannot be obligated to something that's toxic

[00:09:39] because how is that beneficial to your peace of mind?

[00:09:42] That's just the way I think of it.

[00:09:44] How am I going to be benefiting from your friendship as you should be benefiting from mine?

[00:09:49] I'm not saying it's about money or favors or anything of that nature.

[00:09:53] Everything should be somewhat beneficial to you as it is to another person

[00:09:57] involving whatever is going on.

[00:09:59] I don't get close to people too quickly.

[00:10:02] It's got to be like a boot camp with me.

[00:10:03] I'm sorry.

[00:10:04] You got to go through boot camp with me to see how far I need to go with you.

[00:10:10] And I would advise anybody to do that.

[00:10:12] Everybody should have a personal boot camp for people who are trying to be in your space to go through.

[00:10:17] That's just me.

[00:10:18] You don't have to test them.

[00:10:19] You just got to sit back and watch.

[00:10:21] But if I know up front and I start seeing certain moves,

[00:10:26] I'm not going to get too close or chummy and I'm going to start stepping back.

[00:10:30] I don't necessarily think everything should be brought to the table,

[00:10:33] especially if I'm not close with that person.

[00:10:36] There's no need to have a conversation.

[00:10:37] Let me just start slowly moving back and I'm just going to fade into the background.

[00:10:42] And that's just how I do when I'm just not vibing a person.

[00:10:45] And if they keep forcing their friendship or their presence around me

[00:10:51] and they finally ask me,

[00:10:52] well, I don't see it well but this is reason why.

[00:10:55] Because now you're going to get your feelings hurt

[00:10:56] because I was trying to avoid having this conversation.

[00:10:58] I don't want to have the conversation.

[00:11:00] If you see me moving back from you,

[00:11:03] that's just my way of keeping it peaceful, cordial and just bouncing out.

[00:11:09] Sometimes you're going to also go through these emotional challenges

[00:11:12] when you outgrow people.

[00:11:13] You're going to have these fields of guilt that's going to arise

[00:11:16] when you distance yourself from longtime friends or loved ones.

[00:11:20] But when the loyalty that's been built over time,

[00:11:23] that's the saddest and hardest way to go.

[00:11:26] I mean, when you have somebody that's loyal

[00:11:28] but they start to diminish, I mean, hey, it happens.

[00:11:31] And also you can experience some sadness and grief.

[00:11:34] That's a common trait that we do more on the loss of a connection.

[00:11:38] Even if it's a necessary disconnect,

[00:11:41] don't have any confusion or self-doubt

[00:11:43] because if you've been questioning this relationship back and forth

[00:11:47] for over a period of time,

[00:11:49] then there's definitely time for you to go ahead

[00:11:51] and pick which side of the fence you want to be on.

[00:11:53] Do you still want to deal with this person

[00:11:55] and whatever things you think that they're draining you of?

[00:11:59] Or do you want to go ahead and have peace of mind

[00:12:00] and say, hey, I'm just going to start dissing myself.

[00:12:02] We cool, but we know how cool we used to be.

[00:12:04] And don't be scared of being alone.

[00:12:07] See, because I know a lot of people will hold on to situations

[00:12:10] because they want, you know, even friendship, companionship,

[00:12:14] some type of social outlet, but it's okay.

[00:12:19] I mean, honestly, me personally, I can cool.

[00:12:22] I mean, I do have good friends I talk to you on a regular basis.

[00:12:25] But I don't have to talk to them every day.

[00:12:27] I've also got people that you've had long distance,

[00:12:29] you know, real long friendships with.

[00:12:32] I may speak to them maybe once a month.

[00:12:35] Everybody be, you know, having things to do.

[00:12:37] So it's okay.

[00:12:39] But especially if they're toxic in your space, definitely it's okay.

[00:12:43] Now, if you do have some guilt, some sadness

[00:12:46] or some uncertainty when you're starting to distance yourself from someone,

[00:12:50] you got to handle it.

[00:12:52] It's going to require self compassion, a lot of clarity

[00:12:56] because you might want to write it down like the pros and cons list.

[00:13:00] Like what was the pros of me being affiliated with them?

[00:13:03] And what are the cons?

[00:13:05] You already know how that works.

[00:13:06] If it's one list that outweighs the other,

[00:13:08] then you definitely got a better direction on where you want to go with it.

[00:13:12] But start reminding yourself that outgrowing people,

[00:13:15] that's just a natural part of personal growth

[00:13:17] and it doesn't make you selfish or unkind.

[00:13:20] It really helps you focus on the reasons why letting go is necessary.

[00:13:25] You know, whether it's for your peace, your mental health

[00:13:27] or your personal development,

[00:13:29] if it's going to help you move forward,

[00:13:31] then I think it's a good decision.

[00:13:34] So you need to go ahead and acknowledge your feelings

[00:13:36] except it's normal to be guilty, you know,

[00:13:38] because I've had that feeling when I know I've had to,

[00:13:41] you know, start distancing myself from a person

[00:13:43] that I thought was a real good friend

[00:13:45] and it was going to be a lifetime.

[00:13:46] And it didn't work out that way.

[00:13:48] So I just slowly have to start backing up

[00:13:50] or I may have to have that conversation with none.

[00:13:53] Look, you know, yeah.

[00:13:59] Make sure you set your boundaries.

[00:14:01] Be clear and firm in your decision.

[00:14:03] Setting healthy boundaries to maintain a good emotional space

[00:14:07] and protecting your peace is priceless.

[00:14:10] I'm telling you, it is priceless.

[00:14:12] The place I'm in my life right now because I have, you know,

[00:14:17] I've basically cleaned out the garage.

[00:14:20] I put it to you that way.

[00:14:21] When you go through your garage and you see some stuff

[00:14:23] that's been sitting there for Lord knows how long

[00:14:26] gathering, cobwebs, dust,

[00:14:29] and you have not used this item in Lord knows how long

[00:14:32] it's time to get rid of it.

[00:14:33] Because I know personally I don't like a lot of clutter.

[00:14:36] If we haven't used it within that year,

[00:14:38] it needs to be gone.

[00:14:39] Also you need to practice some self-compassion

[00:14:42] because being kind to yourself,

[00:14:45] understanding that you are prioritizing your growth,

[00:14:48] that does not diminish the value of your past relationships.

[00:14:52] You are allowed to move forward.

[00:14:54] You know, this is for your own good.

[00:14:56] And have I ever been to that bridge many times in life

[00:14:59] where I know I got to let something go

[00:15:01] that I did cherish at one point,

[00:15:04] but it's not going to help me grow as a person.

[00:15:06] It's only going to drain me.

[00:15:08] We have life in general draining us as it is.

[00:15:11] Why do you want to add to the menu?

[00:15:14] You have to look at it as if you are going back to grade school

[00:15:17] and then you go on to middle school, high school,

[00:15:21] you know college, so on.

[00:15:23] Do you keep all your friends that you met in elementary

[00:15:25] or daycare?

[00:15:27] No.

[00:15:28] You've outgrown certain people.

[00:15:30] Whether you relocate or not,

[00:15:32] you did not have that type of a bond

[00:15:35] where you were going to make an effort

[00:15:36] to make that friendship or whatever it was

[00:15:39] work out because it's about effort.

[00:15:42] So that's where I look at it.

[00:15:44] You go from your daycare all the way up to college

[00:15:47] and then, you know, you look back at that trail of friends.

[00:15:50] I bet you less than 10% made it.

[00:15:53] Now the positive side of letting go is growth in peace.

[00:15:57] Do you understand?

[00:15:58] I've had people in my life

[00:16:00] that was very disruptive to my peace.

[00:16:03] I've also had people in my life

[00:16:05] that made it entertainment for them to disrupt my peace

[00:16:09] and they got dropped.

[00:16:11] Whenever you are not within your own peace

[00:16:14] and that's what you've got to look at when you affiliate people,

[00:16:17] are they peaceful within themselves?

[00:16:20] Sometimes they raise hell with themselves,

[00:16:22] making drama, all kinds of situations

[00:16:24] and they never find that balance of peace within themselves.

[00:16:29] So that is somebody I'm definitely not going to get too chummy with.

[00:16:32] And realizing you got to let go of these relationships,

[00:16:35] they hinder your progress.

[00:16:38] You need to create a space for positive energy, peace

[00:16:41] and creative connections.

[00:16:44] These are not going to help you

[00:16:45] hanging on to these situations.

[00:16:47] It's going to encourage yourself reflection number one,

[00:16:51] helping you better understand your needs

[00:16:52] and your boundaries,

[00:16:54] reducing all that emotional strain

[00:16:56] maintaining unhealthy relationships

[00:16:58] leading to great inner peace.

[00:17:01] Thank you Lord.

[00:17:03] Leading to clarity.

[00:17:05] Because sometimes there can be elements in our life

[00:17:08] that take up so much time and cloud our thinking

[00:17:11] that we don't have any mental clarity.

[00:17:15] You know, that's also a form of mental abuse.

[00:17:18] I mean straight up,

[00:17:19] when I can't even be in the same room with you,

[00:17:22] I can't even have mental clarity

[00:17:24] because of your presence or whatever you're doing.

[00:17:27] Yeah, that's abuse right there.

[00:17:30] I'm not doing it.

[00:17:32] Now this process is going to free you to focus on your growth,

[00:17:35] fostering healthier relationships

[00:17:37] and a more fulfilling life.

[00:17:39] I can look back at times

[00:17:41] when I should have let certain situations go

[00:17:44] had I did earlier.

[00:17:46] Of course, I would have been in a way better place

[00:17:48] a lot sooner.

[00:17:49] But you know we live, we learn, we grow.

[00:17:52] I have had great benefits

[00:17:55] after outgrowing

[00:17:56] and moving on from certain relationships.

[00:17:58] I am so good because there were times

[00:18:00] I was dealing with relationships that were so damn toxic

[00:18:03] and I felt I had to deal with it.

[00:18:06] And once I got to a point where I looked myself in the mirror,

[00:18:09] that's where I had to start.

[00:18:10] I had to look myself in the mirror

[00:18:11] and like what the hell are you doing?

[00:18:15] You know better.

[00:18:17] And I really think that voice within me

[00:18:20] became stronger after my mom passed

[00:18:22] because you always gain another angel on your team

[00:18:26] and that voice has become so much stronger within me

[00:18:30] since her passing

[00:18:31] and I know that's her influence.

[00:18:33] So I let that voice scream.

[00:18:36] You know within me

[00:18:38] because I know there are certain things

[00:18:40] I don't have to deal with.

[00:18:41] It's not about being snobbish,

[00:18:43] it's not about being nitpicky,

[00:18:45] it's about being in an environment I want to be in.

[00:18:49] If you don't realize the importance

[00:18:50] of surrounding yourself with people

[00:18:52] who match your growth, your energy and your values

[00:18:55] that provides a whole new set

[00:18:58] for your mind, body and soul.

[00:19:01] It's just a peaceful environment

[00:19:03] and you know it's like building your own community.

[00:19:06] That's the way I look at it.

[00:19:07] So creating your own community

[00:19:09] whether it be your circle of friends,

[00:19:11] your professional affiliates,

[00:19:14] who you're socializing with,

[00:19:15] who you're dating,

[00:19:16] it's all about how you build your community

[00:19:19] and I know anybody who had a community

[00:19:22] that was going good

[00:19:23] wouldn't let any type of bad ass element

[00:19:26] in the community to make it go down and depreciate.

[00:19:31] Now the key points I want you guys to walk away

[00:19:33] when it comes to outgrowing people

[00:19:36] you can recognize when it's time to let go.

[00:19:39] It's essential to understand when a relationship

[00:19:41] no longer aligns with your personal growth and values

[00:19:44] and you know when it don't.

[00:19:46] Signs of outgrowing people

[00:19:47] are including the signs of realizing a person's true character,

[00:19:51] witnessing their lack of personal growth,

[00:19:53] dealing with immaturity and facing betrayal.

[00:19:57] So if you are experiencing any of those

[00:19:59] you definitely need to let it go.

[00:20:02] Now of course you're going to have emotional challenges

[00:20:04] you're going to go through the feelings of guilt,

[00:20:06] possibly sadness, confusion

[00:20:09] and the fear of loneliness.

[00:20:11] They often arise when you're distancing yourself from someone.

[00:20:14] It's okay you're going to go through those feelings

[00:20:16] just don't let those feelings

[00:20:18] make you feel guilty enough

[00:20:20] when you need to hang on to that situation.

[00:20:22] So you can cope with it, just acknowledge your feelings

[00:20:25] set your boundaries, practice self-compassion

[00:20:28] focus on growth and seek support when needed

[00:20:31] and the ultimate benefit that you will have

[00:20:35] is growth in peace from letting go.

[00:20:37] It opens a whole new space

[00:20:39] that's for healthier connections

[00:20:42] fostering self-awareness and bringing emotional peace.

[00:20:45] This allows us to move on to more fulfilling relationships

[00:20:49] in the future.

[00:20:50] So it's okay y'all to recognize when it's time

[00:20:52] to let somebody go.

[00:20:53] I'm telling you, it's like looking through the garage again

[00:20:56] you ain't touched it in a year, time to get rid of it.

[00:21:00] Same way you need to move with the people in your life.

[00:21:02] So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode

[00:21:04] make sure you visit me

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[00:21:24] If you like the content

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[00:21:27] at BuyMeAtCoffee.com

[00:21:30] Backslash, Talk To Me Michelle

[00:21:32] that's where you can get the merch

[00:21:33] if you want to donate.

[00:21:35] Hey, it's a wonderful thing

[00:21:36] to support Talk To Me Michelle.

[00:21:38] So until next time everybody

[00:21:39] I will see you next episode.

[00:21:41] Peace!

[00:22:32] We're in the show.

[00:22:37] Thank you for watching.