In this episode, Michele dives into the perplexing issue of mixed signals in relationships, focusing on the scenario where men may avoid commitment yet still expect the perks and behaviors associated with being a girlfriend. Michele explores the psychological and emotional dynamics behind this behavior, offering insights into why it happens and how it affects both parties. Through personal stories, expert opinions, and practical advice, this episode helps listeners navigate the complexities of such relationships and empowers them to set clear boundaries and expectations.
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[00:00:31] Talk To Me Michele. I'm your host Michelle. What's poppin' everybody? Today is a glorious day. I hope everybody out there is doing well.
[00:00:54] As I always say, keep drinking your water, mind your business. Everything's good on this end so I'm hoping it's the same on yours.
[00:01:01] Man, the heat out here in Houston is driving me insane. You know, I don't know. This is like a different kind of sun than the one I grew up with.
[00:01:11] This sun is so damn disrespectful. The humidity and then you got days of pouring rain and the sun pops back out and it's like sizzling everything.
[00:01:21] I'm just counting down the fall. I mean, it comes and it comes quickly in Houston. I need that to happen today.
[00:01:29] But hey, we got a great episode for you guys. I hope you guys are experiencing cooler temperatures than myself.
[00:01:35] But in this episode, I wanted to really bring something to the table and I've experienced this myself.
[00:01:39] Today we're talking about mixed signals when men don't want to commit but they expect girlfriend behavior.
[00:01:48] I've seen too much of this too damn often and the sad part about it is it's not just younger men.
[00:01:56] It's men that are 40 plus that are having these commitment issues.
[00:02:03] So I want to talk about it because it's very frustrating as a woman.
[00:02:06] When you meet a man that you have a great interest in, you're attracted to him and the chemistry and everything is clicking but he don't want to make a commitment.
[00:02:14] You know, it's a confusing world of mixed signals in relationships and many women are finding themselves in situations where a man seems to be interested,
[00:02:23] engages in the behaviors typically of a committed partner and yet they hesitate to fully commit.
[00:02:29] I don't get it.
[00:02:29] He may say he's not ready for a relationship but he still enjoys the benefits you bring to the table of having a girlfriend but you're really not my girlfriend.
[00:02:40] This mixed messaging can lead to a world of confusion for women and self-doubt in some cases.
[00:02:48] I want to explore why men may send these mixed signals and the impact it has on women today
[00:02:54] and how to recognize and address these behaviors to maintain emotional well-being and self-respect.
[00:03:02] Now before I get into the talk topic, I wanted to know that there has been research done on this particular topic.
[00:03:09] There is a Pew Research Center study that took place in 2020
[00:03:13] and approximately 31% of the U.S. adults who are single and are looking for relationships
[00:03:20] and they can't, they find it very difficult to find someone who is looking for the same type of commitment that they are seeking.
[00:03:26] So I don't know if it's a commitment phobia out here.
[00:03:30] Then there's also the National Marriage Project.
[00:03:33] It is the Not Yet Report and they found the average age of the first marriage also has increased significantly.
[00:03:40] Back in the day, back then when you were in your 20s, you were pretty much settled down.
[00:03:45] You were probably having your second child with your spouse.
[00:03:48] Not nowadays.
[00:03:50] You don't get people to walk down the altar nowadays until they need a walker.
[00:03:56] You know what I mean?
[00:03:57] They need a walker.
[00:03:58] That's how long they wait to make a commitment.
[00:04:04] So let's start understanding a little bit about mixed signals.
[00:04:08] You know, the definition of mixed signals that you're going to see in this, what you think is a relationship.
[00:04:15] And that's the sad part.
[00:04:17] Women are led to think that they are in a relationship.
[00:04:21] And that's why I'm very nitpicky.
[00:04:23] Like, I don't cut myself off from nothing until I hear from his mouth, you don't need to be seeing nobody else but me.
[00:04:30] When I hear that, I'm good on it because that shows me that you are ready to make a commitment.
[00:04:36] But if you are still running around here, oh, we can't have date night or we can't do this, you know, because you just have a problem because that's out of your league.
[00:04:46] But see, it's not out of your league when it's in the bedroom.
[00:04:48] Mixed signals in relationships occur when there's one person sending conflicting messages about their feelings and intentions and it leading to confusion, uncertainty for the other person.
[00:05:00] These signals manifest often is very inconsistent behaviors and communication.
[00:05:07] First one moment, they'll be very affectionate.
[00:05:10] They'll be very engaging and intimate activities.
[00:05:13] That's what kills me.
[00:05:14] We out here holding hands, kiki and feeding each other.
[00:05:18] But now we shouldn't be doing a relationship.
[00:05:20] No, not that.
[00:05:22] There are common behaviors that indicate mixed signals.
[00:05:25] And I said number one is inconsistent communication.
[00:05:28] You know, first you all in the DMs texting me, calling me.
[00:05:34] But then there's a lot of unresponsiveness right afterwards.
[00:05:38] You start detaching yourself slowly.
[00:05:41] And I'm like, dude, nobody's blind here.
[00:05:44] Because see, you was just, you know, texting me all this lovey-dovey, but you just slowed up.
[00:05:49] So something's going on.
[00:05:50] And I always say nobody is that busy.
[00:05:54] Nobody's telling you to stop what you're doing.
[00:05:57] But there needs to be a point in the day that you make your woman part of your day.
[00:06:02] Reach out to her.
[00:06:03] Even if you say good morning, you need to follow up with a phone call.
[00:06:06] It ain't got to be no long conversation.
[00:06:10] But just her hearing your voice and knowing you want to talk to her means the world to her.
[00:06:14] And then when you stop doing that, you leave women very confused.
[00:06:18] And you wonder, oh, why are you emotional?
[00:06:20] Because shit then switched up.
[00:06:21] That's why.
[00:06:23] Affection without commitment.
[00:06:24] Now, this is the one that kills me.
[00:06:26] They love to hit the skins.
[00:06:28] They love to get physical, get affectionate, and get a little semi-romantic with these activities.
[00:06:35] But at the same time, we're doing all this, but you ain't discussed a future.
[00:06:40] You know what I mean?
[00:06:41] You have not discussed if you want to start exclusively dating.
[00:06:45] And that's the start.
[00:06:46] Are we going to be exclusive while we are dating?
[00:06:49] Are you still talking to other people?
[00:06:52] And men, I don't want y'all to be offended when women ask you these questions.
[00:06:55] Because there's questions you need to be asking women when you're getting deeply involved.
[00:06:59] We have the right to ask the same questions.
[00:07:01] But they have to be appropriate questions.
[00:07:03] The question I just named, I need to know that if you see any other folks, then that means I can see other people.
[00:07:09] Until we're ready to commit solely to each other.
[00:07:13] Again, they don't want to talk about the future.
[00:07:15] They refuse to make plans.
[00:07:17] And this is even in dates.
[00:07:20] Not just about being exclusive or leading to marriage.
[00:07:23] Which if they have a failure to commit at least one, two nights a month where it's just you two kicking it, like I said, nobody is that busy.
[00:07:33] So when you set up plans and you constantly are hearing excuses, oh, that's not going to be good for me.
[00:07:39] I can't make it.
[00:07:40] Oh, my car broke down.
[00:07:41] Every time we make plans, something comes up.
[00:07:45] Let me tell you something.
[00:07:46] We can't just be dating in the sheets.
[00:07:49] That's a problem for a lot of women.
[00:07:51] Women do enjoy sex, yes.
[00:07:53] They love to get on.
[00:07:54] But you also have to remember, women have an emotional attachment in most cases when they do have sex with people.
[00:08:00] Depending on the type of woman she is.
[00:08:02] But if she's a woman of stature and she has boundaries and she's looking for something serious.
[00:08:07] And if she has sex with a man that she's really into, there's going to be an emotional connection.
[00:08:12] That's why it's not easy for, you know, some women to have one night stands.
[00:08:16] They have to be into the person.
[00:08:18] They dig this person, you know, all around outside the physical.
[00:08:23] Hot and cold behavior is exhibiting intense interest and engagement at times followed by withdrawal.
[00:08:29] One minute you making plans.
[00:08:31] The next minute you ain't heard nothing about this little vacation y'all is going to take.
[00:08:35] I mean, we was just blueprinting that.
[00:08:37] What happened?
[00:08:38] Vague statements are my, that's it for me.
[00:08:42] I recognize a vague statement.
[00:08:44] I don't care who's saying it, what the situation is.
[00:08:47] If it sounds vague, oh, you just don't give a shit.
[00:08:51] That's just how I walk away with it.
[00:08:52] Oh, you just don't give a shit.
[00:08:54] You know, they'll be using language about their feelings and intentions such as I'm not ready for relationship right now.
[00:09:00] But you still acting like we're exclusive.
[00:09:04] Make it make sense.
[00:09:06] Maintain other options.
[00:09:07] So you keeping options open by interacting with other potential people that you may have a romantic or sexually, you know, interest in.
[00:09:15] So that's why I always say I ask somebody if I'm talking to them, am I the only one that you're talking to?
[00:09:22] That's why I think it's very important you ask anybody you're dating and you start getting serious about them.
[00:09:27] And you ask them, are we seeing each other only?
[00:09:30] I'm just asking if you're entertaining somebody else.
[00:09:33] Not saying you want to make a commitment right then and there.
[00:09:35] But I say if you have your options narrowed down, it should be a little bit of a competition out there until you make that commitment.
[00:09:44] And they reach out to you when it's convenient for them.
[00:09:48] You know, reaching out, spending time together, primary.
[00:09:52] It's convenient for them.
[00:09:53] Whether it be making a consistent or a mutual effort.
[00:09:58] But I don't need to call you until you sleep.
[00:10:03] And I know you got to get up at four in the morning and go to work.
[00:10:06] See, and that's really inconsiderate.
[00:10:08] Even if you own the clock, hit me up when you know I'm going to be available to talk.
[00:10:12] I don't have to get ready for work.
[00:10:14] They call you.
[00:10:15] They text you at your convenience to keep you at bay.
[00:10:18] But like I said, I check the behavior at the door.
[00:10:22] I check it at the door.
[00:10:23] I had to tell one man recently because everybody's into this texting.
[00:10:28] And I said, day one, I'm old school.
[00:10:31] You're going to have to pick up that phone.
[00:10:33] I'm not saying we got to have girlfriend conversations, but you got to pick up that phone.
[00:10:37] This texting, I can only get to know you so much via text message.
[00:10:40] And most of these men are emotionally unavailable.
[00:10:44] They are.
[00:10:44] They just sharing personal thoughts and feelings, you know, periodically.
[00:10:48] It's just creating a false sense of intimacy without a genuine emotional availability.
[00:10:54] They'll tell you a sad story.
[00:10:57] Prime example.
[00:10:58] The guy I was dating for a long period of time, same situation.
[00:11:03] And before the pandemic hit, he pissed me off and I dropped his ass because he was not
[00:11:09] taking accountability for what was done.
[00:11:11] So I dropped his ass.
[00:11:13] We didn't see or talk to each other the whole pandemic.
[00:11:17] But when we reconnected, I got a violin story.
[00:11:22] Oh, I had a breakdown and I was all alone.
[00:11:26] I'm like, well, Negro, your fingers were not broken.
[00:11:28] Your phone was still working when you was doing whatever you was doing.
[00:11:33] Accountability, lack of accountability, man.
[00:11:36] Don't be trying to, you know, play no violin for me now.
[00:11:38] You had every option to make things right.
[00:11:40] You took the asshole road.
[00:11:43] And this is why we are where we are.
[00:11:46] Now, a telltale sign, ladies.
[00:11:48] And I know my ladies are not slow out there.
[00:11:51] Those mixed social signals.
[00:11:53] When you are out with your friend, that's what we're going to call them, a friend.
[00:11:59] And when they introduce you to family and friends, they downplay your relationship.
[00:12:04] You know, like the relationships, significance of status in social settings is like, oh, this
[00:12:09] is my friend so-and-so.
[00:12:11] It's a vague introduction.
[00:12:14] Unequal effort is the, it is like the Jedi mind trick.
[00:12:19] A Jedi craves not these things.
[00:12:21] Because what this person who does not want to make a commitment, which you will do, they
[00:12:26] anticipate for you to act like a partner, behave like a partner.
[00:12:30] But yet and still, I can't get you to commit to me.
[00:12:32] You know, you want cooking, you want cleaning, you want BJs, you want all that, right?
[00:12:36] But you still don't want to, you know, make a commitment to that.
[00:12:39] And that's even in, you know, just simple tasks like chores.
[00:12:42] I think if you are spending a certain amount of time with each other, whether it be your
[00:12:46] place, his place, or maybe you're even sharing a place, but y'all still ain't got no label.
[00:12:50] I will never understand why a woman would sign a lease with a man that she has no solid title
[00:12:55] with.
[00:12:55] You know what I mean?
[00:12:56] That don't make no sense to me.
[00:12:57] I've seen women move across states for a fiance.
[00:13:03] Y'all not married yet.
[00:13:04] Because that could be broken off at any time.
[00:13:07] Marriage can too, but there's a little bit more paperwork involved.
[00:13:09] I do not understand why women uproot their lives and some have children in the mix.
[00:13:15] They uproot their lives and their children's lives, move states, counties, sometimes countries
[00:13:23] move everywhere for a man.
[00:13:26] And they have no major commitment with them.
[00:13:30] And when I say major commitment, for me to move, for me to have a U-Haul in my driveway,
[00:13:35] there needs to be a ring already on my finger.
[00:13:38] That's the only way that's happening over here.
[00:13:42] So why do men send mixed signals?
[00:13:45] Mixed signals.
[00:13:46] And I have asked myself, you know, during that last episode I had, you know, why are you
[00:13:51] sending me these mixed signals?
[00:13:52] You are acting a certain way with me, but you don't want to make a commitment.
[00:13:56] But there's a thing with certain men.
[00:13:58] They have a fear of commitment.
[00:13:59] And some men might fear committing due to past experiences.
[00:14:05] They may even have personal insecurities or they just are reluctant to settle down.
[00:14:12] They like the way they move in now.
[00:14:14] So why inconvenience it with the commitment?
[00:14:17] They may also enjoy the companionship without wanting to take, you know, the responsibilities
[00:14:22] of a committed relationship.
[00:14:23] And I say that's laziness.
[00:14:25] I'm not going to lie.
[00:14:26] That is straight up laziness.
[00:14:28] If you got enough time to be intimate and go to movies, whatever it is that we're doing
[00:14:34] together, and you don't want to take on responsibilities.
[00:14:39] See, the thing about it is, it's two people in a relationship.
[00:14:42] We both got responsibilities.
[00:14:45] So if you have a fear of making that commitment because you trifling, and that's the only way
[00:14:50] I'm sorry if I am offending somebody out there.
[00:14:53] That's how I personally feel.
[00:14:54] I think it's lack of effort.
[00:14:56] And see, when you have lack of effort with me personally, I lose interest very quickly.
[00:15:02] And a lot of men are suffering with emotional unavailability.
[00:15:05] You know, it's stemming from them past traumas.
[00:15:08] And they have unresolved issues or desire to protect themselves from potential hurt.
[00:15:14] Now, let me say this.
[00:15:16] When men have this, what I call luggage, is old, whole luggage.
[00:15:22] Old, whole luggage is a burden to them.
[00:15:25] And they don't want to re-experience it.
[00:15:27] But see, at the same time, they'll tell us as women, I'm not the last man you dealt with.
[00:15:32] Well, I'm not the last woman you dealt with.
[00:15:35] So we both got to wipe a clean slate.
[00:15:38] And you know, you got to see me for me.
[00:15:40] Now, the thing about it is, that's a window of opportunity for you to peep certain things
[00:15:45] that you vibing and not vibing if you're going to get serious.
[00:15:50] Now, I understand there's people that, you know, you commit and they switch up overnight.
[00:15:53] That's why you need to take your time and get to know a person.
[00:15:56] That's why I detest text messages.
[00:15:58] I can't get to know you through this shit.
[00:16:00] And it also could be a desire of control.
[00:16:03] By sending mixed signals, you know, some men can maintain a control over the relationship's pace and progression.
[00:16:09] So that way, if I make you feel a certain way and also make you think,
[00:16:13] it's a possibility that I'm going to commit to you.
[00:16:17] As long as he can pull them puppet strings, it's without obligations that come with, you know, commitment.
[00:16:24] And that's allowing them to have the best of both worlds.
[00:16:28] Being greedy.
[00:16:31] And what kills me about men like this, if the woman that they are having this situation with,
[00:16:35] if she steps out, a majority of them getting their feelings.
[00:16:39] And I think that's more ego than anything, because if it was about me, we would have had a commitment by now.
[00:16:45] Some men may genuinely be unsure about their own feelings sometimes and what they actually want from a relationship.
[00:16:53] And, you know, you're being indecisive.
[00:16:55] So that's going to lead to the inconsistent behavior, which I'm not going to deal with.
[00:17:00] I don't have patience is not one of my strongest characteristics.
[00:17:03] You ought to know by now.
[00:17:05] Figure it out.
[00:17:07] Tap into your emotions.
[00:17:10] Now, I think also when men get very close with women and they have like a boyfriend-girlfriend vibe going,
[00:17:17] but he's still not committing,
[00:17:19] I think it might be a period where a man does not want to be alone,
[00:17:24] but then he doesn't want to commit.
[00:17:26] Because I'm all alone.
[00:17:28] There's no one here beside me.
[00:17:31] My problems have all gone.
[00:17:34] You know, they don't really have any options right now,
[00:17:37] that they can actually let their guard down with.
[00:17:40] You are a person that can, you know, let some of that down.
[00:17:44] And they feel comfortable with you.
[00:17:45] They enjoy having sex with you and hanging out.
[00:17:48] But right now, I'm just going to keep you around because I don't want to be lonely.
[00:17:54] Now, these social expectations also,
[00:17:58] I don't know why men and women too,
[00:18:02] social norms and this social influence of social expectations,
[00:18:06] you know, it's like peer pressure.
[00:18:08] That's influencing some of this behavior.
[00:18:11] So say if you are a good woman and you have this situation with a man,
[00:18:17] he may feel that your appearance may not meet social standards,
[00:18:23] but he likes being with you in the house.
[00:18:27] You know what I mean?
[00:18:28] So that's a prime example on like men are into real big women,
[00:18:34] but some of them don't want to take them out.
[00:18:37] Some of them are into older women, but due to these, you know,
[00:18:42] stares they might get, they don't want to take them out.
[00:18:45] So if that's a void, you know, you're filling a void when you're doing that.
[00:18:50] And you know how you like to go to a dealership
[00:18:53] and you are going to purchase a vehicle.
[00:18:56] And the best part of the whole experience is the test drive.
[00:18:59] You get a chance to get behind the wheel.
[00:19:02] You get to feel the vehicle.
[00:19:04] If it fits, you know, you like the way it rides.
[00:19:06] If it has certain features, that's what some of these men do.
[00:19:09] They are test driving a relationship without a commitment.
[00:19:13] They want to know what kind of boundaries I got here
[00:19:15] and what, how far is this woman going to devote to me?
[00:19:21] So they test drive the relationship.
[00:19:23] And I think they use it at their own pace for their own convenience.
[00:19:28] This could be taken as a way to gauge how much their partner cares
[00:19:32] without committing themselves.
[00:19:34] How, you know, if I committed to her, but I'm not committed to her now,
[00:19:39] how far would she go for me?
[00:19:41] And I think, ladies, we do do that.
[00:19:44] When we do find somebody that it is, you know, a good chemistry with,
[00:19:49] then all of a sudden, oh, if I don't do this for him,
[00:19:53] he going to think I'm this way.
[00:19:55] Oh, I'm like the last chick and I don't want to lose him.
[00:19:58] Don't fall for it.
[00:20:00] I mentioned earlier previous relationship baggage.
[00:20:03] You know, these are experiences from past relationships
[00:20:06] and they impact the current behavior that that man is going through right now.
[00:20:10] It's the fear of repeating past mistakes or getting hurt again,
[00:20:16] you know, leading to these mixed signals
[00:20:18] and this protective measure they do for themselves.
[00:20:20] But I want men to understand this.
[00:20:23] As women, we've tolerated quite a bit too from men ourselves.
[00:20:28] And we also learn from the choices we've previously made.
[00:20:31] And we are all hoping to land just one good one.
[00:20:36] One I can deal with 24 hours a day if I have to.
[00:20:40] If I feel I'm not going to be on an episode of Snap with you after 24 hours,
[00:20:45] I think we can make it.
[00:20:46] I think we can make that work.
[00:20:49] And sadly, sometimes men might not fully be aware of their own behavior
[00:20:54] and make signals that they're sending.
[00:20:56] I'm sorry.
[00:20:57] The last experience that I went through, this man knew what he was doing.
[00:21:02] He knew what he was doing.
[00:21:04] But, you know, they say that there are some out there
[00:21:06] and they don't realize that they are having an impact of their actions
[00:21:09] onto their partner.
[00:21:11] And if you've had a certain amount of time with the person,
[00:21:15] I want to say, let's just give it a trial of a year.
[00:21:19] We've been dealing with each other for a year.
[00:21:22] So you're telling me within a one-year period
[00:21:24] that you have not gotten to know if I am the person you want to make a commitment to?
[00:21:30] You don't know me by now?
[00:21:32] You don't want to know me by now?
[00:21:34] I mean, it's just these things you have to, you know,
[00:21:37] as much time as a woman or a man puts in a relationship.
[00:21:40] You know, it's a process.
[00:21:42] And sometimes, you know, we give it six months.
[00:21:45] I'm being gracious saying a year.
[00:21:50] Now the question is, what impact does this behavior have on women?
[00:21:54] It has all kinds of effects, ladies.
[00:21:57] I'm telling you, we need these type of men
[00:22:00] to have prescription bottle-like designs on them
[00:22:04] where they have a warning signal, side effects,
[00:22:07] all that stuff that Samora said.
[00:22:08] Yeah, I want that to come into play right now
[00:22:10] because it takes a toll on you.
[00:22:13] Number one, you're going to be confused.
[00:22:15] And you can sometimes have a little self-doubt.
[00:22:18] Women, we give ourselves the hardest time
[00:22:20] on a lot of stuff within ourselves.
[00:22:22] So we don't need the additional person
[00:22:25] putting that self-doubt further in our mind
[00:22:29] or making us more confused.
[00:22:31] Because see, women are thinkers.
[00:22:33] And we like to think things through.
[00:22:35] But when stuff don't start making sense
[00:22:37] with these mixed signals, it creates confusion.
[00:22:40] It's making it difficult for a woman
[00:22:42] to understand the partner's true intentions.
[00:22:45] And it's leading to this self-doubt
[00:22:48] because they'll start to question,
[00:22:49] well, I've been doing all this for him all this time
[00:22:52] and he still ain't stepped up to the plate.
[00:22:54] I must not be good enough.
[00:22:56] Women will also feel used or taken for granted.
[00:23:00] And when I say used,
[00:23:02] we're talking beyond the financial commitment.
[00:23:04] When I'm saying being used,
[00:23:06] their time, their emotions,
[00:23:09] the efforts that a woman puts in,
[00:23:11] they're being exploited without,
[00:23:13] you know, the partner giving that back to them.
[00:23:17] It's not genuine.
[00:23:19] It's, you know, not a genuine commitment for somebody.
[00:23:22] So when you're feeling like you're being taken advantage of
[00:23:24] or you're being used, it's almost like you feel like a damn rent-a-car.
[00:23:29] I just need you for this trip.
[00:23:31] And when I get to my destination, adios.
[00:23:34] Now the emotional rollercoaster you also go through,
[00:23:37] that's the inconsistency that can cause emotional highs and lows.
[00:23:42] Making it hard to achieve emotional stability within a relationship.
[00:23:47] Because, see, men will be quick to label a woman as crazy
[00:23:50] when she's going through several different emotions.
[00:23:52] And that's based off what you are giving her,
[00:23:55] if you are not making that commitment to her.
[00:23:57] So you wonder, like, she's all happy and lively one day
[00:24:00] because, you know, you were being consistent in your efforts.
[00:24:02] And then there'll be days she's like,
[00:24:04] okay, I ain't heard back from you.
[00:24:06] You ain't called me back.
[00:24:07] So what we doing?
[00:24:08] Then she's going to get into that emotional standpoint.
[00:24:11] And you wonder why she acts that way.
[00:24:14] Let me get a little deeper on the impact of self-esteem and self-worth.
[00:24:18] People, like even the strongest women out here,
[00:24:20] will have a breaking point if they, you know,
[00:24:24] just keep on investing in something that's not going to give anything in return.
[00:24:28] It can cause erosion of confidence.
[00:24:31] You know, persistent mixed signals can erode a woman's confidence
[00:24:34] in her judgment and her self-worth.
[00:24:37] She starts to feel inadequate and she'll have insecurities.
[00:24:41] And you wonder why.
[00:24:42] This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
[00:24:46] And women, when we feel that we're about to lose something
[00:24:50] that we think is the all-in gold mine,
[00:24:53] you start to overcompensate.
[00:24:56] You're trying to gain clarity or validation.
[00:25:00] So you might just overcompensate by giving more into the relationship.
[00:25:05] And often at the expense of your own needs and boundaries.
[00:25:09] Don't sit up here and tell me that, you know,
[00:25:11] we've all done something for a man and we knew that we shouldn't really be going this deep,
[00:25:16] but we did it anyway because we like the guy.
[00:25:20] That happens.
[00:25:20] And it becomes a pattern when women are in fear or insecure
[00:25:24] that they're about to lose their spot with this guy who's not made a commitment.
[00:25:29] Unfortunately for women, it does have potential long-term consequences.
[00:25:33] We already try to shake off any last situation we had.
[00:25:38] But staying in a situation like that, you're going to get trust issues.
[00:25:43] Experiencing these mixed signals, they lead to trust issues.
[00:25:46] They extend beyond the current relationship.
[00:25:49] It's affecting your future happiness, future relationships, and the ability to trust a partner.
[00:25:56] And you also have difficulty moving on.
[00:25:58] I'm telling you right now, me personally, I've been there.
[00:26:01] Been in a situation where I'm just like, okay, it is so hard to let go because it's a convenience,
[00:26:06] it's comforting, and you have actual emotions vested.
[00:26:14] But the lack of closure can make it challenging to move on from the relationship,
[00:26:19] leading to prolonged emotional distress.
[00:26:21] The quicker you realize what happened,
[00:26:25] and they were well aware what was being done.
[00:26:28] Because that was my walkaway point.
[00:26:30] I would always excuse his behavior.
[00:26:34] I always, and then, you know, make excuses for it.
[00:26:37] When I finally woke up and walked away,
[00:26:40] in order for me not to revisit that situation,
[00:26:43] I would always replay all the jacked up mess I know he was well aware that he was doing.
[00:26:48] Now, if you are going through a situation where you're getting mixed signals
[00:26:52] and there's no commitment from your partner and you've vested some of everything into it,
[00:26:58] number one, go ahead and get some support.
[00:27:00] You know, women, you turn to your friends.
[00:27:02] You turn to your family.
[00:27:04] You can also get help from a professional counselor for support and validation.
[00:27:08] That's going to help navigate the emotions and gain the perspective.
[00:27:12] Again, like I said, I did a writing project.
[00:27:15] So that was therapeutic for me to get away from that situation
[00:27:19] and just really have like a matrix moment.
[00:27:22] The matrix is a computer-generated dream world.
[00:27:26] When you get mixed signals in a situation ship,
[00:27:29] that will usually prompt women to reevaluate their own priorities,
[00:27:34] their own boundaries.
[00:27:35] The personal growth pretty much is stunted.
[00:27:38] You know, you're not growing as a woman.
[00:27:40] You're not growing as a person.
[00:27:41] And a clearer understanding of what you want in a relationship
[00:27:45] because you'll still be hanging on to a situation you know is never going to land.
[00:27:50] Now, I encourage self-care.
[00:27:53] Engaging in self-care activities and focusing on personal well-being can help you.
[00:27:59] You go get your nails done, your hair done, maybe get a facial.
[00:28:03] You may even do a spa treatment at home.
[00:28:05] Make your environment relaxing.
[00:28:07] Just focus on your personal well-being.
[00:28:10] That's going to help you.
[00:28:11] It really does.
[00:28:13] When I went through the spiritual bath procedure, it really helped me.
[00:28:18] And I'm going to do it again, matter of fact, this upcoming week.
[00:28:21] So I could just get into my self-care, rebuild confidence and emotional strength.
[00:28:26] So that way you're fostering resilience against future emotional challenges.
[00:28:34] Now, you recognize and address mixed signals quite frequently in your situationship.
[00:28:41] And I don't like addressing something more than once.
[00:28:45] You know what I mean?
[00:28:46] I think if a person cares about you, they hear you, they are concerned about what you are talking about,
[00:28:52] and they make an effort to change up whatever is being done.
[00:28:56] But I'm telling you right now, the mixed signals and you're trying to address it,
[00:29:02] you're already dealing with inconsistent behavior.
[00:29:04] So you got to pay attention to when they, you know, they running hot or they running cold.
[00:29:09] Avoidance of commitment.
[00:29:10] You know, so they're already not committing to you.
[00:29:13] They shy away from discussing the future or making long-term future plans.
[00:29:18] They, you know, explicitly state they're not ready for commitment,
[00:29:21] but you're acting like you, my man.
[00:29:24] And being that selective availability, you know, they're only available when it's convenient for them
[00:29:30] and they cancel plans frequently and avoid making firm commitments.
[00:29:35] That's a major problem for me.
[00:29:37] You can't take, like I said earlier, a night or two, a month for date night.
[00:29:42] No, nobody, like I said, is that busy.
[00:29:47] So how should you address mixed signals?
[00:29:50] Um, I'm a straight shooter and I think that's probably why I will be single for quite a while
[00:29:56] because I don't want to say it's complaining or bitching.
[00:29:59] I say, look, I want clear communication so that you understand where I'm coming from and vice versa.
[00:30:04] So that way we ain't got no confusion.
[00:30:06] But if you don't have clear communication in this situation,
[00:30:09] you need to really sit down, have an open, honest conversation about your feelings and concerns.
[00:30:14] And even if you've already had this speech with this person,
[00:30:18] the fact that there's been no change says they don't care.
[00:30:22] I'm sorry.
[00:30:23] Like I said, I had gotten to a point where I was repeatedly saying the same thing over and over again.
[00:30:28] I'm like, you a grown ass man.
[00:30:29] I shouldn't have to keep repeating things.
[00:30:31] That's my concern or how I'm feeling.
[00:30:33] And you just are dismissive.
[00:30:36] So you got to ask these direct questions to understand their intentions and feelings.
[00:30:39] And once they say, okay, well, look, I'm not ready for a commitment.
[00:30:43] Well, I'll say, okay, I will, you know, talk to you later.
[00:30:47] And you know what?
[00:30:47] I'm going to go out and do me.
[00:30:49] Now, I don't understand why sometimes as women,
[00:30:52] when we're in a situation with a man that does not commit,
[00:30:55] we don't set up our boundaries.
[00:30:57] You know, establishing these boundaries, communicating them clearly.
[00:31:02] I want to let you know there's just certain shit I'm not going to go for.
[00:31:06] It's just unacceptable.
[00:31:07] It would be the same if the man was concerned about how I will be disrespectful around his family members
[00:31:13] or how my house looked a hot mess.
[00:31:16] Those would definitely be concerns for me.
[00:31:18] But see, you have the same as a man when you're looking for a woman.
[00:31:22] So if you don't communicate, look, if we don't hang out at your place,
[00:31:26] your place got to be cleaned.
[00:31:27] You got to have a vacuum, a dust mop, something.
[00:31:31] Now, I think at this point, you really, there's no need to seek it,
[00:31:35] but you might just for your own well-being, trying to get clarity, you know,
[00:31:39] asking for clarification and making statements or actions,
[00:31:43] seeking clear understanding of where they see this relationship headed.
[00:31:48] And that part, me personally, I'm going to skip because it's already been confirmed early on.
[00:31:53] But if you need more, you know, clarity and closure, go ahead and do that.
[00:31:58] But just like I said, again, you got to evaluate the actions versus their words.
[00:32:03] Pay attention to whether their actions are in line with what they're telling you.
[00:32:07] And trust actions more than the promises.
[00:32:10] Because see, I promise you that's how they trap you with these false intended promises.
[00:32:16] They will tell you we're going to do this.
[00:32:18] I feel this way about you, but you're not acting like it.
[00:32:20] And sometimes we definitely have to take a nice long look in the mirror and do some self-reflection.
[00:32:26] You know, reflecting on what you need.
[00:32:29] And whether if I'm staying here, are these needs being met?
[00:32:33] Are you going to consider if this is a healthy situation for you?
[00:32:38] Are you going to overcompensate all the time just to hang on?
[00:32:43] Now, when you finally get to a point where you are going to leave the situation,
[00:32:47] just walk away, you got to recognize these mixed signals are causing more harm than good.
[00:32:53] Because, you know, it keeps you in an emotional roller coaster.
[00:32:56] And being prepared to walk away if the relationship is not progressing or meeting your needs, it's okay.
[00:33:02] I will never forget when I had the nerve to leave one relationship.
[00:33:06] And he had the nerve to say to me, you'll never find nobody else like me.
[00:33:10] Nobody else will, you know, be bothered dating you.
[00:33:13] I'm like, well, that's false.
[00:33:14] And secondly, I hope I don't find nobody like you.
[00:33:18] That's why I'm leaving.
[00:33:20] And again, talk to your friends.
[00:33:21] I mean, because like I said, sometimes when you have like a real friend,
[00:33:24] they'll let you know like this is some bullshit, girl.
[00:33:26] You need to go ahead and just walk away from the situation.
[00:33:30] But, you know, if you're going to keep coming back to me as a girlfriend,
[00:33:32] keep making excuses and you say in one way, one day I'm going to leave and the next day,
[00:33:37] well, he's only going through this situation.
[00:33:39] Well, I don't want to hear it no more.
[00:33:42] So focus on your self-worth.
[00:33:44] You got to remember your self-worth.
[00:33:46] Prioritize your emotional well-being.
[00:33:48] Because like I said, women are emotional creatures.
[00:33:50] And when we engage in self-care and activities,
[00:33:53] it will reinforce our self-esteem and confidence.
[00:34:00] Now, I speak often about this because I am close to women that have personally gone through this situation
[00:34:06] where they are involved with a man that takes up so much time
[00:34:09] and have the women feeling like they are in a committed situation
[00:34:13] and they'll repeatedly say when they're asked,
[00:34:16] oh, no, I'm not ready for a relationship.
[00:34:19] We as women sometimes got to learn just to let it go.
[00:34:23] It ain't meant to be.
[00:34:24] You cannot, I'll put it to you from my perspective.
[00:34:27] I don't want to be with anybody I have to brainwash to be with me.
[00:34:32] That makes sense?
[00:34:33] You know, I don't need no spells casted.
[00:34:36] If they naturally do not want to be with me
[00:34:39] or not willing put forth an effort to make sure I'm secure with them,
[00:34:42] I'm good.
[00:34:44] I'm not going to waste my time involving energy into that.
[00:34:47] But, you know, we get some lessons that we learn in life in general.
[00:34:51] Now, I do have a story I want to share with you about one of my girlfriends.
[00:34:57] One of my homies was in a relationship and her partner kept giving her mixed signals about their future.
[00:35:04] He would talk about the future, then moving in together,
[00:35:07] but then later would avoid any serious discussions about their relationship.
[00:35:12] So she was feeling frustrated, as women should,
[00:35:15] because we're like, you're saying one thing, but I don't see you doing what you said.
[00:35:18] So she just took a step back and evaluated what she truly wanted out of a relationship.
[00:35:24] She decided to have this open and honest conversation with him
[00:35:28] and setting the clear boundaries about her expectations.
[00:35:31] Now, his inability to meet these expectations led to her ending the relationship.
[00:35:37] She was able to walk away because she took time to prioritize her own happiness
[00:35:44] and seek a relationship where all the needs she needed to be met.
[00:35:49] Now, I mentioned earlier that sometimes men are unaware that they are having this type of behavior.
[00:35:55] And I promise you, one of my homies is a walking example.
[00:35:59] He didn't realize the current situation he was in.
[00:36:03] He was giving mixed signals to his partner without realizing it.
[00:36:07] So he enjoyed the benefits of the relationship, but he wasn't ready for that commitment.
[00:36:12] And of course, this was due to past relationship traumas.
[00:36:16] So the girl he was trying to talk seriously to eventually confronted him about his behavior.
[00:36:22] And the conversation was a wake-up call for him because she was like,
[00:36:25] look, I don't have time for this.
[00:36:26] You either need to find a way to work out your trauma or I'm out.
[00:36:31] So I honestly have to applaud him because he took time to get some therapy to address these commitment issues he had.
[00:36:38] And he communicated openly with her about the fears and the intentions.
[00:36:43] So the approach actually really helped them both.
[00:36:46] It built a stronger situation and a more transparent relationship.
[00:36:54] So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.
[00:36:56] And I hope that you take some time, ladies, to not stay in a situation ship.
[00:37:01] There are too many other options where somebody will give you what you want and what you need in a relationship.
[00:37:09] And hanging on to a person because you find them attractive, you do have an emotional connection, great physical chemistry.
[00:37:16] It's all well and good, but it ain't good if it ain't going to land in nothing permanent.
[00:37:20] If we're not going to have an exclusive situation, I'm not going to entertain you.
[00:37:24] I'm not going to give you these girlfriend-wifey benefits.
[00:37:27] That don't come with a situation ship.
[00:37:29] So please prioritize yourself.
[00:37:32] And also remember, you have to get on yourself about self-respect.
[00:37:37] There are situations in life that sometimes you might let it fall a little short.
[00:37:41] Not in this situation.
[00:37:43] You got to break that free because you'll be spending emotional investment for years into something that's never going to be a commitment.
[00:37:51] So I appreciate everybody tuning in.
[00:37:53] Now, look, if you got any feedback on the show itself, any topic suggestions, I want you guys to leave me a voicemail where you can remain anonymous.
[00:38:02] Please call 832-463-0525.
[00:38:07] Leave me a voicemail so I can play your feedback on the show in future episodes where it's nice and savvy.
[00:38:13] Let everybody know what your thoughts are.
[00:38:14] Also, make sure you follow me on all social media at TalkToMeMichelle.
[00:38:19] That's on Instagram, Treads, YouTube channel is now live and popping.
[00:38:24] Everything's available and also on Facebook.
[00:38:26] And make sure you guys support the podcast at BuyMeACoffee.
[00:38:31] BuyMeACoffee.com backslash TalkToMeMichelle.
[00:38:34] We got merch over there.
[00:38:36] If you want to make a contribution to keep the content coming, I really appreciate it.
[00:38:40] And Dee Capri, I got to show some love too because Dee is a regular on BuyMeACoffee.
[00:38:45] So I really appreciate your support and love.
[00:38:48] Just tuning in makes me happy, but it keeps the content coming when you're on BuyMeACoffee.
[00:38:53] So everybody, please have a great and fabulous day.
[00:38:57] I hope you enjoyed the episode.
[00:38:59] So until next time, everybody, peace.
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