SUNDAY SEEDS OF THOUGHTS: Being Needed Is Not the Same as Being Valued

Dr. Carmela Maxell: Welcome back to Sunday Seeds of Thought, a little space from Rooted and Rising, where we plant something small on Sunday that hopefully grows into something useful during the week. I'm Dr. Carmela Maxell. Before we get into today's seed, make sure you're following or subscribe to Rooted and Rising with Dr. Carmela Maxwell, wherever you listen. And if something I say today makes you immediately think of somebody else, send it to them. Although You might want to listen to the whole thing first, because you might discover that you're the somebody. And today, we might step on a few toes, including mine. So, here's the seed I want us to carry into this week. Being needed is not the same as being valued. Oof. I know some of you just got irritated. Because if you're the reliable one, The capable one, the one who figures it out, the one everybody calls when something goes wrong, the one who remembers the birthdays, fixes the problems, covers the shifts, answers the phone, handles the crises, gives the advice, makes the reservations, finds the resources, talks everybody off the ledge and somehow knows where the missing documents are. Being needed can feel a whole lot like being loved. Because people are always looking for you. Your phone stays ringing. Your inbox stays full. Somebody always needs your opinion. Somebody always needs your help. Somebody always needs you to fix something. And there is something incredibly validating about knowing I am the person people can count on. Until one day you realize. Everybody can count on you. But you're not entirely sure who you can count on. And that is where we need to have a conversation. When usefulness becomes identity, there is nothing wrong with being dependable. There is nothing wrong with being generous. There is nothing wrong with being the friend who shows up, the coworker who knows their stuff, the family member who can handle things, or the person who naturally takes care of people. Those are beautiful qualities. The problem begins when your usefulness becomes the price of admission into your relationships. When somewhere along the way, you start believing: if I am useful, I am valuable. And those are not the same thing. Because usefulness is about what you provide. Value is about who you are. And if you have spent a long time being the strong one, Sometimes it becomes really difficult to tell the difference. You start noticing that people love having access to your wisdom, your resources, your time, your connections, your emotional capacity, your problem-solving skills, your ability to stay calm when everything is on fire. But here's one question: Do they enjoy you when you have nothing to offer? Not when you're fixing something. Not when you're helping. Not when you're performing. Not when you're achieving. Not when you're being impressive. Not when you're carrying everybody else's emotional groceries into the house. Just you. Tired you. Quiet you. Confused you. I actually don't know what to do you. I don't have the capacity for this today, you. I need somebody else to take this one, you. Does that version of you still feel welcome? Because that tells you something. Pay attention to what happens when you stop performing your usefulness. One of the fastest ways to learn how someone experiences you is to become temporarily unavailable. You don't even have to make an announcement. Just stop immediately solving everything. Stop volunteering before anybody asks. Stop anticipating everybody's needs. Stop responding to every emergency like you're an unpaid first responder. Stop saying, I got it, when you clearly do not, in fact, need to have it. And watch. Not vindictively, not as a test. Just observe. What happens to the relationship when your labor decreases? Do they ask how you're doing? Do they notice you're tired? Do they offer something? Do they still reach out when they don't need anything? Do they know what's happening in your life? Do they celebrate you when your success has absolutely nothing to do with them? Can they sit with you without extracting something from you? Because there are people who value you. And then there are people who value having access to you. Those can feel identical until you establish a boundary. That's usually when the difference gets real clear. And here's where I'm going to bother the high-functioning people. Because sometimes nobody actually asks us to do all this. Yeah. I said us. Sometimes we automatically step into the role. We see a problem and think, well, somebody has to handle it. And somehow, somebody has had our social security number for the last 15 years. We jump in, we organize, we anticipate, we solve, we rescue. And then eventually we're exhausted and wondering why nobody else is helping. Meanwhile, everybody else is standing there thinking, Well, you said you had it. Ouch. Because sometimes being needed isn't only something other people put on us. Sometimes it becomes a role we are terrified to put down. Because if I'm not the strong one, who am I? If I'm not the successful one, who am I? If I'm not the person everybody calls, who am I? If I stop doing all this for everybody, will they still choose me? And that question is uncomfortable. Because now we're not talking about them anymore. We're talking about us. You are allowed to find out. You are allowed to stop auditioning for your place in people's lives through service. You are allowed to be loved without constantly proving why you're worth keeping around. You are allowed to walk into a relationship without carrying a resume. You are allowed to say, I can't today. I don't know. I need help. I don't have the capacity. Can somebody else handle this? And then, and this is the hard part, you are allowed to tolerate the discomfort that comes afterward. You don't have to rush back in because somebody is disappointed. You don't have to immediately explain your boundary in a 12-paragraph dissertation with citations and supporting exhibits. You don't have to make your no more comfortable for everyone else. And you don't have to turn exhaustion into evidence that you're important. Let me say that again. You do not have to turn exhaustion into evidence that you are important. Being overwhelmed does not mean you matter more. Being constantly needed does not mean that you are deeply loved. Being the person holding everything together does not automatically mean the people around you truly see you. Sometimes it just means you've gotten really damn good at holding things. So here's your seed for the week. I want you to pay attention. Not judge. Not cut everybody off by Tuesday morning. Some of y'all are dramatic. We're not doing that. Just observe. Notice who reaches for you only when they need something. Notice who asks about you without immediately transitioning into what they need from you. Notice when you automatically volunteer your energy before anyone even asks. Notice where you feel guilty saying no. Notice which relationships feel different when you're not actively providing something. And most importantly, notice how you feel when nobody needs you. Because maybe the deeper work this week isn't deciding whether people value you. Maybe it's learning that you are valuable, even when you're not producing anything, even when you're resting, even when your inbox is unanswered. Even when the laundry is sitting there. Even when the project isn't finished. Even when somebody else is disappointed. Even when you had ambitious plans for your Saturday and instead You can barely keep your eyes open watching a football game. Yes, that was specific. Mind your business. Sometimes your body says, Girl, sit down. And maybe listening to it doesn't make you lazy. Maybe you don't have to earn rest by reaching complete physical depletion first. Maybe you don't have to squeeze one more accomplishment out of yourself before you're allowed to close your eyes. Maybe your value isn't waiting for you at the bottom of your to-do list. So for this week's challenge, before you automatically say, I got it, pause just for a second. Ask yourself, do I actually need to be the person who handles this? And if the answer is no, try letting somebody else carry it. Let them figure it out. Let the email wait. Let the problem exist for a minute without immediately becoming yours. Let somebody show up for you. And if putting down your usefulness makes a relationship disappear, well, maybe you didn't lose your place. Maybe you learned what your place actually was. And that's information worth having. So as you head into this week, remember, being needed can feel good. Being dependable can be something you're proud of. Being someone people trust is beautiful. But you deserve relationships where your presence matters even when your productivity doesn't. You deserve people who don't just ask, What can you do for me? But also, how are you? What do you need? How can I show up for you? And sometimes, I don't need anything. I just wanted to talk to you. Because being needed is not the same thing as being valued. And you deserve to know the difference. That's your Sunday seed. If this one hit a little too close to home, share it with somebody else who is always carrying everything. And make sure you're following Rooted in Rising with Dr. Carmela Maxell so you don't miss Tuesday's episode. Until next time, take care of yourself. Give yourself some grace. Stay rooted in who you are. Keep rising into who you're becoming. And for the love of everything, stop volunteering to carry shit nobody handed you. Take care.