Ep 392: Understanding the Nervous System in Relationships

[00:00:00] Liquor Talk, your favorite podcast is back ladies and gentlemen and a new episode starts now. Welcome everybody to another edition of the Liquor Talk Podcast. A podcast where we have all the real conversations while sipping on some good drink. Whatever you drink, whether it don't matter whether it's a mocktail or a cocktail, it don't matter y'all. Get it poured up and tune in. Shout out to everybody that's tuned in right now. Our podcast, Spotify, iHeartRadio or wherever you get your podcasts at to now.

[00:00:30] Ladies and gentlemen, today's guest is joining us from Virginia. It's Miss Becky Ash. She is a podcast host and a marriage counselor as well. So Becky, how you doing today? And thank you to our friends at PodMatch for providing this guest to us. Becky, thank you for having a drink with me. How you doing today? I'm doing good. Thanks for having me on. It's a little early for my favorite old fashioned, but I did have a good coffee and now I'm drinking my water with you.

[00:00:57] So yeah, I feel you. I'm on a little wine cooler myself. Yeah, you're right. It's a little too early for the, for the wine, for the, um, for the old fashioned or a, um, or a tequila sunrise, whatever y'all like to drink. It is kind of early because that's why I was when you record during daytime, but it is what it is. Let's get right into it. So, um, tell us a little about your platform.

[00:01:20] Yeah. So I host a podcast. I love podcasting, love meeting other podcasts. So it's called your breakthrough blueprint. Been doing that for three years now. It's my favorite part of all my work. It's where a lot of people find me, where I get to find a lot of amazing people to collaborate with.

[00:01:35] And then I also am a coach, a relationship coach for women who are on the verge of divorce. They've tried everything and I'm often their last stop shop, wondering if there's hope to save the marriage or trying to find clarity on whether or not they should step away. Understood. Understood. So what got you into podcasting?

[00:01:57] Podcasting scared the hell out of me at first. I came from a background where at least where I grew up, it wasn't encouraged to speak my truth, use my voice. So that's been a big part of my own healing journey is just learning safe enough to feeling safe enough to express myself, share my opinion. A lot of that played into my marriage.

[00:02:18] And so podcasting one day was just like, huh, your voice has been stifled for so long. What if you took everything that you just went through in your marriage, everything that you just learned and started to open up about it on a global platform? So it just was an intuitive nudge at first. And then it turned into my favorite thing that I do in a global ranked podcast. Hey, that's wonderful. That is wonderful to hear.

[00:02:47] So what is any advice that you have for any people that want to start a podcast or things you wish you would have known before you got started? When it comes to podcasting, you got to have fun with it. It's like whatever you could talk about. If somebody rolled you over in bed at three in the morning and were like, shoot, start talking. Like, what can you roll off your tongue? Host something that really lights you up.

[00:03:12] And then for me, this isn't for everyone, but I'm so not tech savvy and didn't know all the SEO metadata searches, all the technology side. I hired an editor, which made it so easy for me just to do the talking and the having fun. And from the beginning, she's the one that takes my episodes, edits them, make sure they're found on all platforms. So if you have capacity for that, an editor can be really helpful.

[00:03:38] Yeah, you're definitely right. You know, so I may look at getting an editor in 2027, but right now I'm a one man crew. I've been doing everything myself. So I told that totally feel, you know, you know, because it is a lot of work. It ain't just turn on the mic and start talking and recording yourself. It's a lot of work and a lot of people don't realize that. But I'll, cause I always tell somebody like, Hey, I want to start a podcast. What do I do? I'm like, are you really up for this? You know, because once you get started, you got to be consistent.

[00:04:08] But you're so good at it. I've listened to your episodes, your top 10 globally or top 10% globally ranked. So whatever you're doing, keep doing it. If you're good at it, more power to you. Yes. Yes. Always. Always. I appreciate it. So shifting over to marriage counseling, becoming a marriage coach. What got you into that? What made you say, I want to like help people with their own marriages? Because there are a lot of people out there. They go through marriage, marriages, and some of them fail.

[00:04:38] And some of them, they stay some, but then there are some that stay and you can tell that no one's happy. So what got you into it and what made you say, I want to be that person that can save your marriage or tell you to let go of your marriage? Yeah, it was not something I actively ever said I wanted to do. It wasn't something I was pursuing. But now I can look in retrospect, there's this through line my whole life.

[00:05:04] I've always been very interested in relationships from little girl Disney movies to getting obsessed with the reality dating shows and just being the person that people would always go to when it comes to relationship advice. But I was on a completely different career path. I was in a network marketing career and was successful in that on paper, wasn't trying to jump ship. But it was just going through my own personal near divorce.

[00:05:30] My husband and I found ourselves year 10 of marriage, separated, starting to have conversations about divorce because we had tried everything that they say to try to save our relationship and none of it was working. So traditional therapy, I was listening to podcasts every waking second I could put my earbud in. We tried couples counseling that never seemed to go well. We had done retreats, workshops, and then here I am.

[00:06:00] Like, how did all of this lead to divorce? And that's when I stumbled upon a different kind of healing modality known as somatic healing, which just means body. We can get into it if you want. But it was the first time a coach helped me get more interested in what was happening in my body and my nervous system, more so than the stories and the rehashing the trauma and the he said, he said, she said, like, Becky, what's happening in your body right now as you're thinking about this?

[00:06:29] And like, let's start there and get you way more interested in your intuition than all of this expert advice you're outsourcing and getting from all of these experts and all of these podcasts. She helped me dial into my own body wisdom, which at first was a whole new world. Like, what language are you even speaking? What did I just sign up for? Where am I? But it ended up being the game changer for us. We got back together.

[00:06:57] I can share more if you want just on where we were able to get to in our connection. But that was the next path of like, holy shit, how do I get this into the hands of other women who are in the same spot as me and feeling stuck for a decade plus and sharing this work now that I wish I had found sooner. So what it sounds like is you had to do some self-work, some self-healing, and that helped everything.

[00:07:25] So elaborate a little bit on the self-work. So what did you find when you went to this lady and she told you to break down what's going on, what's inside of you? Yes. The first time that I really went into self on such a deep level, because I always thought, okay, if the relationship is broken, you need to do couples counseling, you need to get him on board. And it was hit or miss with that. Like he always, he's such a good man, had good intentions, but not psyched about going to therapy.

[00:07:55] Like he was not trying to train me in that journey. So this was kind of my Hail Mary, all right, I'll just work on me. And what that looked like in sessions was this coach gently, compassionately, way more slowly than I had ever done before helping me reconnect to my body and feel safe in my body after all of the lifetime of trauma that I had been to, been through that I didn't even know my body was holding on to.

[00:08:23] So all the stuff that I was dealing with symptom wise in my body at the time, I was constantly anxious and moving and didn't know how to sit still, had massive eczema breakouts, couldn't sleep at night, stomach bloated, all of these things that I just passed off is like, oh, everyone deals with this stuff. She was the first one to be like, what if those are actually cues from your body pointing towards what you need to do next in your marriage?

[00:08:50] Let's heal the nervous system first, bring you back into safety, not just constant fight flight mode. And then from there, we can strategize on what to do in your marriage. So at first, it was just learning different tools, techniques, practices to come into the present moment. I pretty much lived always in rehashing the past trauma that I had been through.

[00:09:16] Happy to share if you want to open that up or future tripping about like worst case scenarios, just terrified of separation, of being alone, terrified of traumatizing my kids, of abandonment. And so this helped me get into the present, get settled, have a new energy. And that's what my husband felt. If you asked him what the change was.

[00:09:40] Wow. So, so did your husband ever say to see you going through therapy and was like, maybe I need to do this for myself or did he just continue to do what he had to do? Both. There was a part of him that was like, I, I don't want anything to do with this and good luck with that and kind of scoffed at my self-help journey. And then another part of him deep down that was like, maybe this would be good for me.

[00:10:06] But it wasn't until he saw the shift in my energy that he started to feel safe enough to even pursue that with me. And if you ask him, he was, he would say, Becky just felt different being in her space, like in her actual energy. She felt settled. She felt grounded. She felt like she had herself for the first time and she wasn't constantly needing me. To say the right thing, respond in a certain way, act in a certain way.

[00:10:37] He just felt this healthy detachment from me for the first time. And I felt it too. I didn't know he could pick up on it, but that was what started to shift our dynamic and brought in way more authenticity than we'd ever shared before. That's real. So, so how, why did it take so long for the realness to come out? Like, because I know y'all have been together for like 10 plus years and, and I know there are some couples that they tell each other everything.

[00:11:05] They're able to say anything and everything to each other, even the things they shouldn't say to each other, you know? So why do you feel like it took y'all so long to get to that point? That was what was so frustrating. I'd see other couples where you could just tell it was easy. You're just like, you could feel it in their connection. Like, oh my God, they could tell each other everything. What the hell? Why is this so hard for me? Especially because with female relationships, it felt so easy. I was known in my friend group as vulnerable, open book, authentic.

[00:11:34] But then I get to my marriage, I'm like, why does this feel so impossible? And once I started diving deeper in my own healing, there was a lot from childhood that I realized from a really young age. Like I said with the podcast, I wasn't encouraged to speak my truth and desires and needs.

[00:12:00] I grew up in a really strict Christian home where I was like, this is the blueprint for your life, Becky. This is what you're going to follow. No questions asked. I don't care how you feel about it. So I had this ingrained kind of belief in my body that especially men, because it was mostly my dad, didn't actually care about what I wanted, what I desired, what I needed. And they just want me to fit their agenda for what helps them feel safe.

[00:12:28] So I bring all of that into my marriage, like subconsciously, not realizing that my assumption is, oh, he doesn't actually care about my truth. He doesn't want to know the truth. So I'm carrying this energy of fear all the time of like, I want to open up, but I don't know how. It doesn't feel safe. Probably assuming he's not going to want to hear it. And actually very similar for him.

[00:12:54] He grew up in a home where there was a lot of just behavior modification, agenda, didn't feel radical acceptance or an invitation for openness with his parents. And when he did get open, it was mostly met with punishment, judgment. So both of us just had such a hard time because of our individual baggage we were bringing in.

[00:13:14] And the 10 years of talk therapy and books and podcasts and all of that, it didn't shift how I felt in my body about opening up and speaking my truth. It wasn't until I went to the body and did the nervous system work that I'm like, I actually feel safe no matter how you respond. Like, I got nothing to prove, nothing to posture, nothing to protect. This is just my truth. Take it or leave it. And wow, what freedom that felt like.

[00:13:44] Yes, that does sound like freedom when you get to the point where you can just open up and not care what other people think. And it feels like a lot of people in our generation, I'm talking to the 30s and up crew, we had to deal with that with our parents. They were so very strict. And what goes on in this house stays in this house. Just do as I say, not as I do. I mean, these new kids nowadays, you can't tell them that because shout out to them. They question everything. And I'm like, I'm saying to myself, that's how we should have been.

[00:14:11] You know, we should have been questioning everything because it's so much we had to unlearn and unpack once we get to adulthood. So, and did you ever find resentment for your parents after you learned all of these things? Because I know I kind of looked at my mom a whole lot differently once I started to unpack and started to learn things differently. Yeah, definitely felt resentment and pushed that down for a while because it felt wrong. Like, how can you resent your parents?

[00:14:40] Like, they raised you that like how ungrateful of you to feel resentment. But I love this quote. I think it was C.S. Lewis who said, I sat with my resentment or my anger long enough until it told me its real name was grief. So, I realized resentment is just typically the tip of the iceberg and there's something underneath it. There's some kind of sadness or wishing things went a different way or fear. And that was helpful for me to get in touch with.

[00:15:10] And then just realize like my parents were doing the best they could with what they had. And so much of it comes from the way they are parented. So, the best metaphor that I think of with that is like one time in high school, somebody ran over my foot with their car. Shockingly, I was fine. But it was like, okay, you didn't mean to do it. You didn't intentionally try to hurt me. But it still hurt me. So, I do have to deal with this swollen foot now.

[00:15:37] And I think about that with our parents. A lot of parents, good meaning parents, it's like they didn't mean to hurt us. It wasn't like how can I intentionally destroy my child's, you know, life and make it hard for them to relate in relationships. But even though it wasn't intentional, you still have to heal like what was hurt and what was broken. Yeah, you definitely still have to heal.

[00:16:01] And a lot of our parents, they don't realize that until you get to the point of no contact or you just lash out at them. And you know what? And the first thing they'll say is, oh, well, why are you going to go to therapy? Well, this is what therapy brought me, you know? So, it's like to all the parents listening out there, continue to take accountability for your actions because your kids will respect you a whole lot more if you just take that accountability for, you know, what happened in the past.

[00:16:29] Yeah, it's such a big difference, right? Even being able to apologize to my kids now, that was unheard of with our parents' generation. You don't apologize to your kids because that somehow undermines your authority. When that's so backwards, it's so not true. Like my kids now feel so safe that they know that I'm not perfect and I'm going to mess up, but we can repair. Yeah, because my mom's first husband, like, you know, he prided himself on, he'll never correct you in front of me.

[00:16:58] I'm like, yeah, excuse me. Excuse me. I'm like, yeah, but yeah, motherfucker, because it's like you just is your piece of shit, you know? So, hey, it's like, and I had to forgive my mom for that. But in people, y'all need to look at your parents and look at how you're done in some relationships because that can also affect how you treat other people, you know?

[00:17:19] And it's like, and once I said it, I'm like, yeah, because you realize for so long you could just want somebody and you're so accepting of the bullshit that, you know, it's like, and it comes from sometimes you've seen your parents accept bullshit. The accepting the bullshit is so real. And what I always tell my clients is whatever your nervous system gets familiar with, especially from a young age, like that's what's going to feel safe, even if it's toxic.

[00:17:48] So your nervous system craves a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven any given day of the week. It's going to always go back to what was familiar. So that's the work that we're now doing as adults is like, how can I, the word you use was unlearning. There's so much unlearning going on and realizing like, oh, that wasn't healthy, even though it was familiar. It's kind of like the boiling frog example.

[00:18:14] You know, the frog, if it's in this slow boil, it stays in the pot of boiling water because it's just this slow incremental change. It doesn't know that it can hop out. It doesn't know that there's healthier temperature right outside the bowl. So we're kind of doing the same in relationships. A lot of us grew up in this boiling water of toxic dynamics or learning to accept the bullshit because we had to to survive. We didn't have an out. But now that we're adults, it's learning like, oh, I can actually hop outside the pot.

[00:18:45] I don't have to stay in that pot just because it's been familiar my whole life. Yeah. And one thing people got to understand about relationships with our age is it's not a jail. It's like if you don't want to stay in something, you can leave. And so that's why sometimes I can get a little cold hearted and be like people that stay in marriages for 14, 15 years and they're getting abused physically and mentally. I'm like, why the hell would you stay in that?

[00:19:13] And it's like and maybe they didn't understand that they could just, like you said, just hop out and leave. That's the thing, especially with abuse. Yeah, it's the boiling frog. It's this is normal for me. This is familiar for me. And it feels unsafe to step away. So, yeah, my parents, it was there wasn't physical abuse going on, but there was spiritual abuse, I later learned. And they were not happy.

[00:19:42] They lived as roommates. They slept in separate rooms. I always felt it as a kid. And I remember trying to ask about it, like, hey, are you guys thinking about divorce? This feels really cold. I'm starting to notice other parents actually kiss each other and hug each other and hang out with each other. And that's different than what I'm seeing. But it was never validated. Like, even my own kind of spidey senses as a kid was gaslighted. It was like, no, we don't believe in divorce.

[00:20:12] Rather than, yeah, Becky, you're picking up on something. You're right. There is distance. There is fullness. So I had no trust in my own intuition. That was part of it, too. That's real. Yeah, that's some good intuition. And, you know, and parents don't realize this. Kids can pick up on that shit, you know, pick up on when you're not happy in relationships. So, and I like our generation. We don't sugarcoat nothing.

[00:20:37] So why do you feel like our parents back then were always just, you know, sugarcoat it or try to play it down, play it down? Like, oh, this is not going on. And also to the parents out there, why stay in a relationship if you're not happy? Just be straight up with your kid, you know? Yeah, I think the sugarcoating is a survival response. It's just a way to survive something that you don't feel like you have capacity or tools to deal with.

[00:21:06] So when I think about our parents' generation, I mean, podcasts like this, therapy was not normalized. It was a big taboo. Like, well, you're real broken. There's something real messed up with you if you're seeking support in therapy. So that breaks my heart for their generation because it's been so helpful for us. And topics like this are normalized. But that's what I think. It's like, okay, well, I have no idea how to fix this. So I'm just going to grin and bear it.

[00:21:34] I'm going to sugarcoat it and make it feel like less intense or bad than it really is. And that's just what they did to push through. But I see their generation as a lot of surviving and our relationship finally having the space to thrive when it comes in relationships and learn, oh, it doesn't have to be that way. It can actually be richer, better, healthier, more honest. Yes, it can be. And, you know, you got to understand that life is short.

[00:22:04] And you don't want to look up and be like, I spent all my years with this person when I could have had a whole lot better the whole time. Because when you get older, you're going to have that regret. And you ain't going to be, you might not be able to do what you could do when you're younger, you know? Yeah, I try to normalize both outcomes as being a win. I'm not a marriage coach that just pushes staying together as the only success story. Because for some, it really is the healthiest.

[00:22:32] For sure, if there's abuse that he's not willing to take accountability for. And I say he just because I work solely with women. So if they're with a partner that is abusive, it can be the biggest breakthrough and success story to celebrate. Like, oh, my God, you've moved yourself to safety. And it takes real support to get a woman there. But it's not always the woman being abused, right? We know it can be reversed as well.

[00:22:58] But I try to celebrate that as much as I do the ones who are like, oh, my God, what a miracle. We had some pretty toxic disconnected dynamics. And for the first time, we're finally figuring out how to be intimate with each other, authentically reconnected. So I feel that. I feel that. But ladies and gentlemen, this is Liquor Talk. The more you drink, the better we sound. Shout out to everybody that's tuned in on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and iHeartRadio. Episode 400 is coming up, ladies and gentlemen.

[00:23:28] So get your tickets. We are going to be doing a live show in Tampa, Florida. So if you're in the Florida area, pull up on me. We're doing a live show. Becky, going back to your marriage, you said you almost got divorced while doing everything right. What were you missing that it's like no one that was wrong that caused everything to be wrong if you felt like you were doing everything right?

[00:24:18] Okay. So what I learned with all those messages that travel up and down the vagus nerve from our brain to our body, body to our brain, only 20% of those messages go from our brain to our body. But 80% go from our body to our brain. So what that means is all the 10 years of traditional healing modalities I was trying was just from the neck up. It was just tapping into that 20%.

[00:24:47] So the talk therapy, the couples counseling, the listening to podcasts, the reading books, the webinars was all like intellectual, verbal, auditory processing. So I was only working with the 20%. And so no wonder it felt like a salmon swimming upstream. There's like short bursts of maybe that felt good or worked and then it would go away.

[00:25:08] When I got into somatic healing and learned to work from the bottom up with my body, my nervous system, finding safety there again, it was like I was leveraging that 80% of how I was designed, how my nervous system communicates. So I started working with the big dogs. And that's why it felt like, whoa, this is happening faster. It feels lighter. It feels easier, simpler, too simple to be true, like too good to be true.

[00:25:38] Because I was used to working so hard and so intensive. So that's my nerdy answer. Does that? Yeah, that definitely helps. Ain't no problem with no nerdy answer. You know, it's a response, you know. It's something that will make the people go Google it, you know, the somatic healing, you know. So should people just look up somatic healing and try to find a somatic healing coach? Yeah.

[00:26:03] If you're totally brand new to it, just starting with one or two people that resonate with you just to start learning, right? You've got to start with the head, at least for the whole language of it and understanding it. I have a podcast, Instagram account people can begin with if they're interested with somatic healing with relationships specifically.

[00:26:29] But there's plenty of other accounts, YouTube videos out there just to dip your toe into that world. Hey, y'all, y'all got to take a look at it, you know, because we might need to. That's something new that, you know. And at a point in life, you know, you just sometimes you're just like, fuck it. Why not try it? What else can work? Because what's the worst that can happen, you know? So just try it, give it a shot and be sure to tell us what you think. So this might help the fellas understand this.

[00:26:55] Why can't a woman feel totally safe in therapy or female friendships and still pinch when her husband reaches for her hand or try to show his affection? Like, what's the point in us being together if I try to show you some affection and you reach away? This is such a big one. And when I started this work, I was just interviewing women, asking them, what's the biggest challenge in your relationship right now?

[00:27:20] Time and time again, I couldn't believe how common the answer was when he initiates physical affection, whether it's sex or like he's just slapping my butt in the kitchen or he's not even trying to have sex. He's just putting his hand on me. I flinch and I freeze and I don't know why. And then he interprets that as rejection, understandably. And then I feel shame about that because I'm not trying to reject him. It's just what my body did.

[00:27:48] And then before we know it, we feel like we're standing miles apart and neither of us want to have sex at that point. So what the hell do we do? I couldn't believe how common this was. I had experienced it in my own marriage and I knew that for myself. But I was like, whoa, this is actually insanely collective. So what is happening so often is it's not the woman wanting to reject him. It's not even her wanting her body to respond that way.

[00:28:16] And she's completely clueless as to why it is in the first place. Sometimes there's sexual trauma in her history, right? Where touch, sex, intimacy has not been safe. So even if she's with a safe partner right now who's not trying to harm her, her body remembers. Her body keeps the score of all the times that touch was actually not safe and somebody reaching for her meant danger.

[00:28:42] So even though she's with Mr. Wonderful right now, like Prince Charming, good, good man, her body doesn't know the difference. Her body just knows touch means danger. So she needs to work at the body level to help herself feel safe again, to restore autonomy often, to remember that boundaries are okay and that she's that choice. And to explain that to her partner, that this is not you. This is not a rejection. This is from my past. So can we work together? I'm not saying no to sex.

[00:29:11] I'm just saying my body still has some old responses and I need patience as I keep healing. Others, it's not sexual trauma. Honestly, it can just be stressful work. It can be parenting. There's so many other things that put a woman's nervous system in that fight flight response. And when she's in that response, she's not open to sex. She's got to be in the slowdown, the safety, the present nervous system to be open to that.

[00:29:38] And so it's more so she just needs some help, support, regulation tools to drop into sensuality, sexuality, the slowdown phase. Yeah. Now that part I understand. But sometimes as a man, sometimes I can just be touching on the show with some love or sure, not necessarily saying that I'm trying to get some sex. But, you know, sometimes I realize as a man, maybe she might need to be held or something like that, you know.

[00:30:05] So what do you say to the men who try that, even though it's like, you know, because physical touch can be is one of our love languages. And what do you say to that, to the women who are still flinching that? Still like a nervous response? Yeah. Or just like you. Best advice I could give to a man when that happens. Like one, I just want to empathize with you how incredibly frustrating that's got to be because I know your intentions are good.

[00:30:30] And for you, it can be really regulating, like physical connection can be a release for you. And so I want to empathize. And then also, I would say the best thing you can do in those moments is offer curiosity. Like just come in with curiosity. Like, whoa, like I just noticed you just flinched. Not judging, not blaming, not even taking it personally, which is hard.

[00:30:54] Like that's where you got to have your own tools in those moments, but just getting curious toward her and even curious towards yourself and leading with that kind of energy of like what comes up for you there. Slow it down. Like really take time to listen or and then share honestly with your end. Like, I just want you to know, like, I, I just love to connect with you. Like, that's my intention. That's my heart right now. I actually wasn't even trying to have sex.

[00:31:22] And so for a woman that may have her own history of being used sexually or whatever, that can be very, very healing. Like a super corrective experience to hear from a man that like, actually, no, I just want to connect with you right now. Like no pressure, no strings attached. That's my intention. That's real, you know, and that's all it is. You know, so I guess we have to explain things, you know, to simplify things, if you will.

[00:31:51] So, so fellas, don't be, don't be afraid to explain things. If they don't get it, they don't get it. Now, how can you tell if this person is for you or if this is the opposite of this is just them, them respond to them. I'm not interested. Is there a way you could tell the difference between whether it's a trauma response or is it, I'm just not interested in like that response? Yeah. Like, are we meant to be together or not? Is that what you're asking? Yeah.

[00:32:17] That's like one of the biggest questions people come with and can torture themselves with that indecision of should I stay or should I go? Or if they're dating, like, should I continue or should I break it off now? And that comes down to intuition is what I would say. And you can't hear your intuition if your nervous system is in fight, flight, freeze mode.

[00:32:41] So when there's chaos in the body, it's really hard to hear that little whisper of like, I am meant for this person or not. And so I would start with that, with getting curious about your body and is your body in a place of presence, safety, settledness. And from there, kind of running it through your body is an exercise that I do with clients where, all right, let's just play with it.

[00:33:08] Imagine yourself continuing with this person, staying with them. What happens in your body? Is there constriction? Like, I should stay with them. Fear does feel like tight and punishing and a lot of rumination? Or does the idea of continuing this person feel settled, expansive? Is there an openness in your breath and your body and your muscles? And let's just take that as information and feedback because your body doesn't lie.

[00:33:37] It's holding a ton of wisdom. I believe it's like this intuitive roadmap that can direct you better than any therapist, counselor, expert out there. And so that can be like a compass for you when you're trying to make a decision that feels like a lot's at stake, especially if you've got kids in the picture. It's not just your decision. It's like, okay, there's other people involved in this decision if I'm staying or going. Of course, of course.

[00:34:05] Now, staying with the body. Now, what actually happens in the body the moment trust breaks in, why you can't decide to just trust again? So what happens in the body if your trust for someone is broken? Like, what does that look like? Yeah, it's a big one. A lot can shift. A lot can shift. So one of the biggest things that women come to me for is betrayal, trauma, infidelity.

[00:34:29] And what can happen in a body after going through that is your breath pattern can literally shift. You go from openness, kind of deep breathing to shallow breaths, tightening. It's this sense of the body bracing for the next shoe to drop. Like, whoa, the rug just got pulled out from underneath me.

[00:34:50] And now my nervous system has shifted into this hypervigilant mode where I'm scanning and looking for the next sign that I might get hurt so that it doesn't sneak up on me so that I can maybe beat it to the punch, protect myself.

[00:35:05] And so how that shows up is tightness in the muscles, sometimes just a smaller voice, like women having a really hard time speaking up, bracing, concave posture, and then some behavior patterns. At least for the clients that I work with, it's a lot of wanting to check his phone or search history, like all of that scanning mode, just going into detective mode. And that doesn't build intimacy.

[00:35:33] It's the short-term kind of hit of an illusion of trust. Like, okay, I know what's real. There's nothing being hidden. But it really keeps you stuck in a trauma response when you're in that kind of pattern.

[00:35:48] The way to repair trust, it's a long conversation, you know, but it really comes back to what we were talking about from the beginning of this episode, which is what's happening in my body and what's my authentic truth right now. What am I experiencing? And how can we pave an authentic way forward from here? So basically, it basically starts in the body and you got to heal from that and you got to work on healing you within the body.

[00:36:15] And then going from there, that will determine whether the trust comes back or not. So in what case does trust come back if the person just puts in the work or how does that look like? Yeah. And you nailed it. Yeah. It's starting with the body, especially when it comes to trust being broken. So you said what happens when trust comes back? Yeah. What has to happen for trust to come back? Yeah.

[00:36:44] It starts with repairing trust within yourself. So especially if trust was broken in a way where it was not disclosed to you or like it just happened unbeknownst to you, it was a surprise. There can be a deep sense of, whoa, if I had that happening right under my nose and I wasn't aware of it, can I even trust myself? It goes back to your own intuition and self-trust.

[00:37:11] So repairing with yourself, being able to be really compassionate and gentle with yourself and what that can look like in practice may seem very fluffy. I hated it at first, but it was putting my hand over my heart and just speaking to myself like I would a friend who had just had trauma happen to her.

[00:37:31] And that was a big shift for me because I had a pretty loud inner critic and I spoke to myself like this intense pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of coach that had worked for me for years in career and sports and other areas. But when it comes to healing trust within myself, I had to learn to speak to myself with a shit ton more compassion and radical acceptance. So the hand over your heart can physically be the somatic piece of like I am with you.

[00:37:58] You're telling yourself this and this is what I have to say to you. And then from that, after being able to bring your body back into safety just between you and you first, you can then bring that energy. That was kind of what I was talking about with my husband. If you ask him, what was the shift? I had done the internal work first of this is how I feel safe in my nervous system.

[00:38:21] And then from there, just being able to share like this is what's happening right now in my body when I think about us repairing and this is what I want. And like, are you on the same page? So sometimes that conversation can be had just between you and your partner. Sometimes you need support to help that feel safe, have some guidance for a bit. But trust is available.

[00:38:47] And I want people to know that even when it's been very deeply damaged and broken, there is genuine hope. But it's got to be from the bottom up in the body. Yes, it's got to be from the bottom up in the body. Now, getting away from the body. Now, going over to marriages. Now, what is something you see from all your clients? Because I know you say you all work with women.

[00:39:13] What's the main thing you see that you hope that men can pick up on, that men need to stop doing? Because I know they all come to you. Do they all say the same thing about us men? Or is it something we have in common? Or is it just all different cases? It definitely depends. I don't like making blanket statements, but the type of women that I work with tend to be the ones that fear abandonment, fear conflict, fear separation.

[00:39:40] And so if they sense any little irritation in their partner or coldness or distance, a lot of the women that I work with interpret that as a threat when it's not. It's literally for a woman, what helps her feel safe and regulated is let's talk about it. Let's be as close as possible. Let's not take breaks from each other. And for a lot of partners, it can be the opposite.

[00:40:08] Like actually for me to find my equilibrium again and relax, I need to take space. I need a break. I need my own hobbies. I need independence, autonomy. And so the advice I have for men is similar to what I said a minute ago is just curiosity can heal so much.

[00:40:29] And it can help you if you're feeling threatened by her smothering you or like needing the connection when you need your space. The practice is kind of the same. Like how can you feel safe in your own body, your own truth and lead with curiosity to open up a conversation of like what win-win can we find right now?

[00:40:55] So you also asked, are they all saying the same thing about us men? At least the women I work with, they know deep down that men are good, good at heart. And it's not like malintention and they're not all narcissists or insert whatever label.

[00:41:17] But there's a lot of noise out there and a lot of accounts even online that are labeling men and making them the enemies when we don't need more of that. Like we need as women boundaries, we need to speak our truth, but we also need to remember men's goodness. And some of the noise out there makes that really hard. Like, yeah, throwing the word narcissist around out there can be a free for all.

[00:41:41] I believe some do fit that description, but majority of men are good and they're more than just addicts. They're more than cheaters. Like they may have made mistakes out of their own survival responses. But if we can remember each other's goodness and not get into this bad othering trap, that's where real repair can happen. Yes, that's so true. You know, we got to get out of that.

[00:42:05] And because I see a lot of other podcasts and stuff where it's women and men going back and forth about marriages and stuff. It's like, this does not sound healthy at all. This just sounds like y'all sitting up here having a debate over who hurt her or worse, you know? So what do you think when you see those other podcasts that are going back and forth about marriage and they're really men and women are really butting heads?

[00:42:32] It's it's I I have to just guard my own energy with it. I've unfolded a lot of accounts like now, even that stuff I can run through my body and tell pretty quick if it resonates or not like this is not for me or yeah, like this feels like truth. This actually feels like wisdom here and not sugarcoating and not pretending like both sexes haven't hurt each other or whatever.

[00:42:56] It's it's honesty, but it's with this energy of radical acceptance, compassion. Like, let's move forward authentically with how we can find connection, because that's what we both want at the end of the day. Like deep, deep, deep, deep down men, women like we just want connection and can feel really lonely, especially in 2026. Yes, it can feel real lonely out here if you don't have a connection. Trust me.

[00:43:24] Speaking from a single standpoint, it can real feel real lonely, especially when you oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mic drop. Mic drop over there. I hope everything is okay over there. We're good. Okay, okay. Now, see, that's why I got a wireless mic. See, for that reason, I always keep the wireless mic.

[00:43:43] But, you know, it's like we got to realize that we need each other and because it gets lonely out here when you feel like you don't have nobody and you look up and all you people are in healthy relationships and stuff. Now, shifting over to intimacy, what is the secret to dissolving intimacy blocks? You know, is it besides the curiosity? You know, what else can we do besides curiosity or to unlock the intimacy blocks?

[00:44:09] Because we all go through those intimacy blocks where it's just nothing's happening. Yeah, dissolving shame, I would be, I would say is the first place to start. A lot of us are spiraling in a shame storm. And we've got this like subtle, sneaky epidemic of shame that some of us wouldn't even call it that. But shame is just that sense that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm either not enough or too much.

[00:44:38] And I am not feeling connected, belonging. There's like this severed sense of love, connection, and belonging. So if we can begin repairing that within ourselves and what that can look like, I mean, there's so many different ways to come home to yourself. And find that in a felt sense way, not just like a nice mantra or like affirmation type way.

[00:45:05] But feeling it deep in your bones of like, I've got myself. I'm with myself. I'm not leaving myself. Ways that you can do that. I did the hand over heart, right, is one. But havening, havening techniques is just bringing that tactile sense. One thing you can do is run your arm from the top of your shoulder down to your wrist just to feel like, hey, I'm in my own being and I can be safe to be in my own body right now. It's got to start with you individually.

[00:45:35] And then from there, right, inviting connection and playing with how safe feels close and how distant feels, you know, playing with distance. Like how close do I need to be to feel safe or how much distance do I need to feel safe with my partner? So this can be very tricky. It's not like a one size fits all, but it's coming from that place of I know what safety feels like in and of myself.

[00:46:04] And then deciding in the bedroom, like what feels like an absolute hell yes to me. And this is like my cup of tea turns me on. This is what I love. Never feels dangerous or like a turnoff or anything. And knowing that about yourself, being able to communicate that to them. And then what are my maybes? Where it's like, it's not a hard stop. No, it's not a hell no. It's like I could get there. I could imagine myself get there.

[00:46:31] There may be some caution or but there's also curiosity. So just being able to be open about what's your maybes. And then what is your like, I cannot even imagine going there. Like that's just so not me. And being able to have those kinds of conversations can really help when it comes to bedroom connection. Yes, because let's be honest. Without bedroom connection, there's a lot. That's when the cheating happens.

[00:46:59] If there is no connection in the bedroom, it's like that's when the cheating happens. Now, I had this conversation a few months ago. Actually, this came up when I was on someone else's podcast. What do you think about people that stay in sexless marriages? Like meaning they're just open with it, not having sex. Meaning they're just roommates at this point. What goes through your mind when you hear that? Honestly, first thing that goes through my mind is just I feel sad.

[00:47:24] Like it really can be a sign that that huge part of how we're made as humans to feel alive, experience connection. The pleasure center is just such a big part of vitality. So it makes me sad when people feel stuck. That's why I'm so passionate about helping people be able to feel safe again in intimacy and pleasure.

[00:47:50] And there can be so many different reasons for it, whether it's betrayal and infidelity or just lack of communication and feeling absolutely disconnected from your partner or low libido. Sometimes health issues. It can be when menopause hits for women. And so that's just honestly the first thing that goes to my head is like it's sad and it doesn't have to stay that way.

[00:48:14] And there's real opportunity to rekindle that and to see how much life it brings you individually as well as how much connection in your marriage. So basically people need to start talking about it instead of just staying in a sexless marriage. And just because I know some people I'm like, how do y'all just stay in that relationship without putting into work or talking about it? Y'all just there for the kids, it feels like. Yeah, that's kind of what it came down to with my parents.

[00:48:43] You know, it was just sleeping in separate bedrooms. It was just me that they were in it for. So I even shared that with my husband last week. It's summer mode right now and our kids are home. And I was feeling like everything that we were doing was around the kids. So I told them, hey, just so you know, that can register a little bit as a threat to me, even though I know it's not a real threat. But it just reminds me of how my parents got so lost in parenting and forgot each other. So I just want to like, I don't want that to happen to us.

[00:49:12] I just want us to make sure we're putting our connection first. Because at the end of the day, they are going to grow up. They are going to move out. And that's so often when couples do start splitting, divorcing is realizing like, well, the kids aren't here holding us together. What's left? Yeah, because I notice a lot of parents, sometimes they'll get divorced as soon as the kids go to college or the kids are adults. It's like, why wait? Why wait for the kids to leave the house?

[00:49:42] You just want to show them that example of a healthy relationship instead of being real with them. Mm hmm. Yeah, I think that's a big part of it. But again, it just comes back down to real health is authenticity. So I even think back to when I asked my mom, like, are you guys getting divorced? I wish I had just gotten something authentic. But I don't think it was their fault. I think it was hard for them to feel safe enough to be honest with themselves, let alone with me.

[00:50:11] And so it just gets a little muddy. Understood. Understood. Now, now I did pull this from your point. The last thing I did, I did pull this from your podcast. Yes. You know, how do you deal with things that we think are spiritual attacks? And by the way, you only got two years on me, by the way, when it comes to age. So how do you deal with things when you think it's a spiritual attack?

[00:50:36] And then what it is, then, you know, going back to that episode, which people should definitely go check out. So how did you deal with that? Yeah, that episode, I was actually shocked how many people wanted to tune into that one because I was speaking about the religious trauma that I grew up with. I don't know how you grew up, but. Listen, I could, I could do a podcast on religious trauma. I could definitely do a podcast on that. I'll have you on mine and we'll just open that cable for. Let's do it.

[00:51:04] But my dad, I mean, there was so much talk about the second coming, the apocalypse, like doomsday, hell at an age where that was really traumatizing. I saw somebody post recently, if your kid is too young to talk to you about sex, they're too young to talk to you about hell. I'm like, oh, that would have been great. Thank you. Wow. Yes. Me. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yes.

[00:51:34] I definitely wholeheartedly agree with that because you got people. I grew up in a church where you had the kids doing what the adults should be doing and stuff. Sunday school, all that. Man, come on now. There's a lot there. Yeah. So what I talked about in that episode you're referring to is ever since I was little, I have had these episodes of what I now know is called derealization.

[00:51:59] It's like a wise way your body responds to something that's too much in your environment. It's a way of dissociating. So I'd go into these little fogs, these little episodes of all of a sudden, I felt really disconnected from the rumor. And it was almost like I was watching it through a movie screen rather than actually living in it. And I've tried to explain this to people my whole life. And most people are like, I don't get it. You know, like is this brain fog, perimenopause, like some neurological disorder.

[00:52:29] And now I know it's a trauma response. But I've experienced it since I was little. And my dad used to call it a spiritual attack. Like that's Satan. That's Satan attacking you. And I'm like, well, that's even scarier. Like it would increase the experience. And so I just did a whole episode talking about it because this year I lost my mom. She died of Alzheimer's in November. And I've noticed these episodes happening again.

[00:52:59] And now I understand like, oh, this is my nervous system feeling like it is too much to accept that she's no longer on this earth. And so I'm literally going to detach from my environment because this feels too much. Basically, it's a way to dissociate. It's not a spiritual attack. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom because I know November is like a little ways away. We're coming up on it.

[00:53:27] But I'm definitely sorry for the loss for your mom, you know. Thank you. Yeah, it felt like a second ago. It's crazy. It's been eight months. Yeah, I'm happy. That's how it feels when you're looking up, you lose somebody. It's like you look up, it might be eight months. And then you look up, it's like 10 years. And, you know, because I felt that way when I lost a couple of my uncles who were very close. I was close to it. It's like I looked up and I'm like, damn, that's been 10 whole years. I'm like, shit, you know.

[00:53:56] Time just rolls. So what can people get from tuning in to your podcast? So the podcast is my fun playground where I don't just talk about relationships. We do have a ton of episodes on that. But it's also breakthroughs in your health, wealth, spirituality. So we have guests and I do solo episodes on all this stuff. Religious trauma, some of it. Spiritual breakthroughs, finances, fitness, all of it.

[00:54:25] So if you're just interested in general, having a holistic lifestyle that feels authentic, aligned, really, really you. That's I love having my podcast for people to tune into. Now, second to last, why should people tap in and tune in to your breakthrough blueprint podcast with Becky asked? Why should people tune in?

[00:54:49] If you want really authentic, candid, vulnerable conversations where you feel like, oh, my gosh, I'm a part of this. I'm in their presence and it's dissolving my shame. Just being able to have somebody name some of the taboo stuff that most people don't want to talk about. Then just come. Your invitation is there. Come hang out with us. That's real. And where can people find you? How can people get in touch with you? Instagram is the biggest platform. Becky underscore Oste.

[00:55:19] You can DM me or you can email me. Becky Oste at I do breakthrough dot com. I'll ask Becky. Give the people a call to action for this episode. People out there listening, give them a call to action. What's something they need to do after listening to this episode? We talked so much about authenticity, you and I. So I want to give my quiz. It's a five minute guided quiz called How Free Is Your Voice?

[00:55:44] And it's directly linked to how much intimacy you're able to experience, not just physical, but emotional, intellectual, whatever connection you've got. This is kind of a starting blueprint to see how safe you feel, to be honest. And then based off whatever score you get, you can DM me. I'll give you a personalized resource based off of that score. Hey, yeah, yeah. Y'all go take that quiz and I'll take that quiz myself. I'll tell y'all and my close friends of how I did, you know.

[00:56:12] So, Becky, I want to thank you for blessing the Liquor Talk with your presence. I want to thank our people at PodMatch for bringing us together. And I'm ready to do this again on your platform because I might be in Florida, but I'm just a DM away. So whenever I'm just a DM away, you can make this happen. I would love that. We got to talk religious trauma. Have you on mine? Yes, I'm here for it. And thank you to the listeners for listening to the Liquor Talk podcast.

[00:56:37] Thank you for taking some time out your day to tune in to this while you're driving or while you're sipping or while you're at work. Whatever you're doing, it means a lot to me that you take time to tune in to the Liquor Talk podcast. Remember, this podcast is everywhere on our podcast, Spotify, YouTube, wherever you get it. Until the next episode, peace, y'all. Peace.